I Have Issues

As God is my witness, if you put the toilet paper on the wrong way, I am gonna change it! I am an over the top person and I ain’t a’gonna change! Don’t hang my sweaters on hangers, because I can’t stand “shoulder nipples” cause by hangers. I will rewash every single sweater  if you do.

I’m insecure.  I am neurotic sometimes. I am prone to anxiety when I am pushed into situations where I feel uncomfortable. I’m still traumatized by my father’s suicide and doubt that I will ever get over that – seems like getting through it was enough.

I take on too much sometimes. I always have to be doing something with my brain. I never sleep enough.  I am obsessed with my own hair and I rub my head when I am nervous. I still wake-up in the middle of the night and feel guilty about things I did that were bad as a child. I am a compulsive over-eater and always have been – food was my only friend growing up and sometimes still is.

I talk too much, especially when I am nervous. I have the attention span of a honey bee flitting from flower to flower when it comes to projects and hobbies. Finishing tasks is sometimes hard for me. I am a horrible procrastinator.

I do not see myself as attractive and never have. I often look in the mirror and wonder what people see in me and think I’m simply not good enough. I am ashamed of most of my childhood photos and refuse to allow most people to look at them.

I was told in the 7th grade that I was a typical under-achiever. This came from the same teacher who threw erasers at students and made us endure “Super Silent Study Halls” when she was hung-over. I never set out to prove her wrong and that makes me mad at myself to this day. I get defensive easily, because I have never lived up to anyone’s standards, not even my own.

I assumed you wouldn’t get me. That’s a bad habit too, so I explain myself constantly. I have a constant need to explain myself and the things I do. Perhaps because never once in my entire life have I ever felt understood or that anyone ever really took the time to care. I’m insecure.

My outgoing and talkative behavior is a defense mechanism that keeps people at bay so that relationships remain superficial. If I can control the conversation, then I can control what you know. If I talk enough, you won’t ask anymore questions and you’ll start wishing I’d shut-up. Then I don’t have to tell you anything else, do I?

I tell people I have ADHD all the time because I don’t believe that I should hide it. I think that if more people experienced it and understood it, then they’d stop over-medicating their kids and judging other people. I hate judgments. I don’t hate people.

I am an enigma….I always really wanted to say that. I am a walking contradiction….because it sounds so mysterious.

I write because it helps me sort thoughts. I can’t sort them in my head the way other people do. If I attempt to think like you do, it frustrates me and reminds me that I am flawed. I word associate to get to the bottom of my feelings because I just can’t go there in a straight line. Sometimes I write things in this fashion on purpose, flitting from one thing to the next, so that people can “see” what goes on in my head.

I am nerd. I admit it. I wear the badge with honor. I could be a lot worse than a nerd. I have been a lot worse than a nerd. I am so not perfect. I think it makes me a good writer. I know it makes me human and I don’t mind saying that “Yes, I have issues!”

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