Overcoming Self-Defeating Habits

This morning I stumbled out of bed, made my way to the coffee pot and started my morning coffee. I fed the cats and then the dog, strictly because they are more loud in their demands and I really can’t stand the crying first thing in the mornings. “Eat and stop disturbing my peace.”

The dog patiently waits as he dances in a circle. He’s always happy to see me. I let him wolf down his breakfast as I go put on shoes. I know that he’ll need to potty as soon as he’s done. I’m lucky that he’ll actually eat first and then go outside most of the time.

We do our walk and get back to a fresh pot of coffee. As is becoming my morning habit, I pour myself some coffee and I walk to the porch, where I sit in the morning silence and just ‘think’.

My mind wanders from being mildly annoyed that I’m not selling as many books as I’d like, to the things that I know my readers enjoy reading. Somehow, I end-up thinking about relationships that haven’t worked out and I have that moment where I feel compelled to send a letter or an email or something to the last one and tell her how much she hurt me, how pissed-off I am that she didn’t care enough to fight for me or listen to me or show me that she cared about me the same way I was willing to do for her.

Suddenly I realize that this is the same self-defeating behavior that has kept me in relationships that weren’t right in the past. How many of you have found yourself going back to someone, even when you KNEW it wasn’t ‘right’ in some way? It is as if we find ourselves alone and resentful or needy so we contact them. Look at how many times Chandler went back to Janice on Friends! 😉 It’s really a great example. He kept going back to someone that annoyed the crap out of him because he didn’t want to be alone.

Finally, I’ve reached a point in my life where I can say to myself, “NO MORE JANICE’S!!” I’m waiting for the right one and I love myself and respect myself enough to wait. I’m okay with being alone and I’m okay with me, just the way I am. Never again will I change for someone or try to be something that I’m not just so someone else feels okay with me. I’m me. I’m happy and I’m empowered. I’m okay with me.

You should be okay with YOU too! Don’t change. Be who you are. The right person is going to come along one day and you’ll be SO glad that you waited. Don’t let life get you down. Remember that as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you WILL eventually get to where you are going. Falling down along the way is okay. Fall forward. 😉


Categories: lesbian, life lessons, self-help | Tags: , , , | 3 Comments

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3 thoughts on “Overcoming Self-Defeating Habits

  1. I totally get this “self-defeating” syndrome you describe here. I do it to myself all the time. And now that you put it into actual words – that I could have written myself – I see it even more clearly. I’ve been in a “funk” this week, and this is exactly it. I start to lament about being alone, single and sort of wandering through life aimlessly. Those thoughts just depress me more, and so the vicious cycle goes on. Oh and I have done the deal where I think maybe that last relationship wasn’t “that bad” and think about maybe trying it again…but even recent events convince me quickly that those are not viable thoughts at all. Keeping the past in the past and being open to the future’s offerings is the best way to handle it. As hard as days get, don’t let yourself back-slide! Be patient! And rock the world your way, in your own time and at your own pace! I am okay with me, I”m just bored with life in general I think. Got to find my way toward doing something with my time that really hold my interest, and I don’t mean finding a new woman, but finding a new sort of way of life! Peace! ~Ang

  2. I appreciate the sentiment, and do agree. Always move forward.

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