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What You Are


Love is made of many things. It isn’t always pretty, but it IS always unique. Photo courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

You have it in your head that you aren’t what I want or need. You’ve listened to what I have said and/or written about what I want in a woman. Of all the times to listen to what I am saying, you choose that? Oh my love, let me tell you what I think about you and what you mean to me…let’s talk about what you are.

I wish my soul had a zipper installed so I could just open myself up. Then you’d be able to peek inside and you’d know that what I am about to say to you is true.

When I look into your eyes, I see my world reflected back at me, with a new hope that I never had before. Every breath I have ever breathed in my entire life has brought me here to you. I feel that I’ve arrived somewhere that I was supposed to be all along. It isn’t a place, it isn’t a thing or a particular accomplishment; its simply being at your side and a feeling that this is where I belong.

When you speak to me, I admit it … I’m guilty of not always hearing the words you are saying. I’m overwhelmed with the sounds coming from you and I hear your emotions instead of the words. This isn’t always good, but I feel that it’s my soul trying desperately to hear the song coming from your soul. I hear your sadness, your fears, your insecurities and your worries, even when your words try to tell me something different. In and of itself, this isn’t so bad but what gets to me is knowing that you are doing the very same thing to me because our souls are speaking a language to each other and you and I are just following along in a strange dance that we no longer have any control of.

It’s true. You know it is. No matter what has happened between us, we find ourselves back where we are supposed to be … next to each other. You make me crazy, and you calm me down all at the same time. You find a way to make me feel loved, even when you don’t say it … I know. I hear all the words that you do not say. Your eyes tell me all that I need to know. I see you searching my own for meaning, for acceptance and for understanding. Your eyes plead with my own from time to time. What do they say? “Give me what I need to trust you. Please.”

You’re right. You aren’t any of those things on my list. You challenge me, you question me, you say and do things on a regular basis that force me to look at myself and it is sometimes painful. At best, it is uncomfortable. You are amazing. You look at me and you see me and you still keep coming back. You are crazy. You are beautiful. I don’t understand you. I love you. I’m afraid of you. I trust you with my life. I want you. I run from you. I’m terrified. I’m happier than I have ever been in my entire life.

You want me to hold you. You tell me you aren’t ready yet. You dream about me. You tell me that you want to be alone. You close your eyes and imagine that I am there with you, don’t you? When I ask to be with you, you make excuses for why the time isn’t right or the trust isn’t there yet. I imagine that you are next to me every night when I go to bed. We are exactly alike. We couldn’t be more different. Just shut-up and hold me. Let me hold you. Don’t tell me you love me. See if I care. I know you do. I know you want me to touch you. I want to hold your hand. I want to touch your face. I want it all. I want you.

Baby girl, I’m content to take our time but I remind you that any time that we waste, we will never get back. Don’t keep me away from you if you want me there. Don’t deny me the chance to be with you and offer you comfort when you need it. Don’t give us any reasons to build any more regrets. Don’t forgive me right this instant. That’s okay. Just stop persecuting me for yesterday and making today suffer. Let me be there today and let yesterday fade in time. Tomorrow will work itself out. I’ll say it again. You need say nothing, just reach for me and you’ll find me there.

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Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | 5 Comments

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5 thoughts on “What You Are

  1. This speaks to my soul; the chiarascuro of it, the dance of light and shadow … desire and distrust … it’s a dance, a crazy wonderful terrifying dance, and you capture it so brilliantly. Thank you so much!

    • Aw! Thanks so much. If it is a dance, then I have undoubtedly stepped upon her toes an awful lot. Hopefully, they’ll heal and we’ll continue dancing until we are old and gray.

  2. GlitterGirl

    I absolutely love this, and the more I read your writing, the more I love it. You have essentially captured how I feel about my girlfriend here…

  3. I have enjoyed reading through some of your blogs. I can absolutely identify with what you’re saying here, but I’m not …really in a position to say it myself. So thank you for saying it!

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