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Present And Accounted For


 

 

I SPENT THE EVENING TALKING ABOUT STABILITY WITH FRIENDS

So we are all clear … I’m not a very stable person and I never have been. Here is the real issue: I’m not sure I even know what it is!

What IS stability? What does it mean to you? If you have never had it, do you miss it? Does it mean the same thing to me that it does to you? What if we aren’t on the same page and you are asking me for something that I just don’t understand? What if I am so dysfunctional from my past that I can’t be? How do you know when you have it? How will I know what it is when I find it? Can I find it?

Yeah…I’m really this confused by it all. Honestly and for real. As an abused child who never knew from one day to the next if my mother would hate me or love me, I never had emotional stability. I never felt safe and I never trusted other people. The ONE time I told a counselor what was going on at home, she honestly called my mother and talked to her about it. Seriously. I never told anyone ever again about the things that went on behind closed doors at my house. I lost all faith in any adult ever helping me again and I learned that I shouldn’t tell people anything if I wanted to be safe, truly.

Carrying that into my adulthood, I have drawn lines at what I share. I’ve hidden my deepest feelings and I have had very few real friends. I try … but relationships of all sorts are hard. I simply really don’t know how to have them. I don’t know what healthy things look like. I have nothing to compare it to. When someone gets annoyed with me … I feel my mother bearing down on me all over again. When someone that I care about gets annoyed with me, it’s familiar to me and it scares me at the same time. It’s frightening because I know it isn’t normal now. It took me years to learn that it isn’t normal. It’s comfortable like an old tattered blanket. Even though it is full of holes and doesn’t really give me any protection anymore…I wrap myself up in the confusion and the chaos that has been my life and I hide in the familiar.

You are the unknown. You scare the hell out of me. The way I feel is unfamiliar. It isn’t comfortable. There’s nowhere for me to hide. You are totally out of my comfort zone. I love you. I’m scared of that. No…not scared….petrified. You call me out…you make me face myself and you make me so annoyed sometimes. Not at you; annoyed at my own short comings. I self-sabotage. I always have done this. I’m fighting a battle with myself to not do it this time. I can only take one day at a time and do ONE thing at a time.

You say you are scared to get to know me or be more open with me. You expect me to leave. Today, the only thing I know how to do is just stay when you expect me to go. I can love you when you expect me not to. This is my start. I cannot promise you the moon…but I swear on my own life that I can love you and I can stay. This is me…not running away for the first time in my entire life. This is me, terrified and not sure what to do next…just holding on.

 

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Categories: abuse, child abuse, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | 6 Comments

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6 thoughts on “Present And Accounted For

  1. Lesa

    I believe ‘stability’, in whatever that means to anyone, begins with complete and total honesty of who we are, where we came from, how we hurt and how we dream to love. For all the ‘instability’ of ones past… truly also makes for some of the deepest self knowledge and truest quest of a beautiful life… thank you for sharing yours. Whoever it is that gets to have this place of your truth and vulnerability is lucky indeed. Press on with it Jesse. You are amazing!

  2. Stability and normalcy are words used in relation to a society that masks itself with hierarchies. You and your experiences can not be measured along with another’s because they are simply not the same. To say you are not normal, is to say that everyone walks on the exact same cement. You are the person you are meant to be, every second, of every day. You are blossoming even when you believe you are withering. You will see!!!!!

  3. we all have something in the past that made us dysfunctional or scared or messed up or..whatever it did to us. However, now you are not in that situation and feeling might be coming back reminding you of those fears and pains and freak-outs but one thing it will never be able to do. It will never be able to taint your heart and who you are.

    Communication my friend – that is all you need. You need to talk out your fears. You need to verbalize your pain and call it out in an open space and there are two of you – you and the person you love. Knowing what you are dealing with and facing that together will make you stronger.

    Fear usually is bigger when it hides and when it sneaks up on you at night or when you are alone with your thoughts. Your minds blows it up, magnifies pain and panic sets in. Talk about it, let it out, describe it, share it and your will see that once it is out, there is not much to fear…

    • Dace, thanks for your comment. I have been talking out my fears through my writing. It’s cathartic for me. Only recently have I received some answers for my ways and my reactions. Even though the glimpse into myself was ugly and scary, I have been very grateful and thankful for the honest look that I’ve been given the chance to see. Someone told me in recent months that “Oprah says people really don’t ever change, they are who they are and when you see how they really are then that is just it. People don’t really change who they are.”

      I disagree with Oprah vehemently. I think if you were changed in negative ways, then you surely can be changed in positive ways also. Sometimes people try to change for all the wrong reasons too. When you change because you don’t want to hurt anymore and you want to grow and be a better person so that your life can be more positive, then I think you have every reason to believe that you can change for the better. Recent events in my life have caused me to release YEARS of pain and anger. I admit that I am filled with some confusion and feeling a little empty because that anger took up a lot of space! I’m now working on filling it up with happiness and adventures, kindness and compassion and doing good things for others. I have a chance for a new life and I am taking it! 🙂

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