I SPENT THE EVENING TALKING ABOUT STABILITY WITH FRIENDS
So we are all clear … I’m not a very stable person and I never have been. Here is the real issue: I’m not sure I even know what it is!
What IS stability? What does it mean to you? If you have never had it, do you miss it? Does it mean the same thing to me that it does to you? What if we aren’t on the same page and you are asking me for something that I just don’t understand? What if I am so dysfunctional from my past that I can’t be? How do you know when you have it? How will I know what it is when I find it? Can I find it?
Yeah…I’m really this confused by it all. Honestly and for real. As an abused child who never knew from one day to the next if my mother would hate me or love me, I never had emotional stability. I never felt safe and I never trusted other people. The ONE time I told a counselor what was going on at home, she honestly called my mother and talked to her about it. Seriously. I never told anyone ever again about the things that went on behind closed doors at my house. I lost all faith in any adult ever helping me again and I learned that I shouldn’t tell people anything if I wanted to be safe, truly.
Carrying that into my adulthood, I have drawn lines at what I share. I’ve hidden my deepest feelings and I have had very few real friends. I try … but relationships of all sorts are hard. I simply really don’t know how to have them. I don’t know what healthy things look like. I have nothing to compare it to. When someone gets annoyed with me … I feel my mother bearing down on me all over again. When someone that I care about gets annoyed with me, it’s familiar to me and it scares me at the same time. It’s frightening because I know it isn’t normal now. It took me years to learn that it isn’t normal. It’s comfortable like an old tattered blanket. Even though it is full of holes and doesn’t really give me any protection anymore…I wrap myself up in the confusion and the chaos that has been my life and I hide in the familiar.
You are the unknown. You scare the hell out of me. The way I feel is unfamiliar. It isn’t comfortable. There’s nowhere for me to hide. You are totally out of my comfort zone. I love you. I’m scared of that. No…not scared….petrified. You call me out…you make me face myself and you make me so annoyed sometimes. Not at you; annoyed at my own short comings. I self-sabotage. I always have done this. I’m fighting a battle with myself to not do it this time. I can only take one day at a time and do ONE thing at a time.
You say you are scared to get to know me or be more open with me. You expect me to leave. Today, the only thing I know how to do is just stay when you expect me to go. I can love you when you expect me not to. This is my start. I cannot promise you the moon…but I swear on my own life that I can love you and I can stay. This is me…not running away for the first time in my entire life. This is me, terrified and not sure what to do next…just holding on.