All Along I’ve Wanted You

I’ve made a mess out of it…I know it.


I watch you walk out of the room and I’m completely taken with everything about you. You have no idea how much I really adore you and fall for you over and over.

The way you sit in your chair, with your leg up over the side just tickles me. You love comedy television and want to be funny like they are. Your goal is to be funny….what you truly are is absolutely adorable. You get a far away look sometimes and I wonder where your mind goes. I know in some ways you are like me and you may be thinking about your day tomorrow or making a mental list of things you need to do.

Your face is a place where my eyes take refuge. I love your eyelashes and the way that they are so dark it looks like you have eyeliner on. I love the softness of your lips and the way they frame your smile. Your smile is wonderful. It lights a room but it also makes my stomach do little flips. When you smile I feel warmth spread through my entire body; this must be what happiness feels like?

The feel of your skin not only makes me tingle all over but just the thought of your flesh under my hands makes me unable to breath for a moment. You make me daydream of your cheek against mine, your hands in mine and your voice calling my name. I find it so hard to concentrate sometimes when all I can think about is how you taste and how you feel.

Sometimes you start off talking happy with me and then you find your way back to pain I caused when I hurt you before. I know you need to express it and I understand that it is part of the process. I let you and I listen to you. I know it is because you are conflicted by the happiness you may feel in that moment. You wonder why it couldn’t have been like that all along. You wonder how I could have ever hurt you like that.

It makes me sweat and feel hot all over because I really want to give you answers. I deserve your anger and I feel horrible for your pain. It makes me completely uncomfortable. I want to go back there and not say those things I said that hurt you so much. I wish I could step back in time and know now, what I had no real clue of back then. I honestly had no way of controlling my reactions back then. So much has changed and you know it has. I understand your confusion and I respect your need to talk it out and look for answers.

Your capacity to care is amazing and I know that you are scared of this – of us. I know that you fear getting closer to me. I understand. I want to earn your trust back and I don’t care if it takes a long time. I told you that I want to be better tomorrow than I was today. I want to mean that every single day for the rest of my life and I want you to be there with me along the way.

Someday I want more for us, but right now I am happy to take it one day at a time. I want to learn with you. I want to grow with you and I want to be a better me in the process.

I’m so very much in love with you and I really want you to know it. I’m not perfect. I’ve admitted that I will probably still make mistakes because I am human, but I am trying very hard. You told me you’ve seen changes in me and that is all I can hope for. That’s all I want at this point.

You tell me that I need to do what will make me happy because you want me to be happy. I do know what I want and what will make me happy. I am where I want to be! I am with the person I want to be with. I do not ever want to leave you. I am completely devoted to you and I want you to be the last woman that I ever kiss. I mean that.

I am not interested in anyone else. I don’t want to meet other women. I don’t want to ever move away from you. I don’t know how to tell you in any way other than publicly – in front of a couple thousand people – that my heart is yours. I’ve been so confused and overwhelmed by so many things in my life and I took so much of it out on you … but all along I’ve loved you and wanted you.



Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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