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I’m Back


 

A wall paperI haven’t been around much since Thanksgiving and I apologize to everyone. Going through all those feelings that one encounters at the end of a relationship, along with the holidays and the many other issues I’ve had going on… it has been a long month for me.

The above song was my choice because I think that most people see me as the act that I put on for the benefit of the world around me. Yes, I can be the life of the party. Yes, I make people around me smile and I do things for others without thinking twice about it. On the inside, I’m dying a slow death most of the time.

Recently, I’ve noted that I am more sensitive than I used to be. Loud noises and busy shopping centers are a chore for me right now. I find that I am so over-stimulated that my system is purely exhausted. Lately, I have been having to rely on public places to do my daily work. I’ve had to rely on public places with pay showers and too much fast food due to lack of cooking facilities to do much without being plugged into power. The dog thinks the shopping center parking lot is our new home. I hope like hell it isn’t.

I’m tired on a level that is hard to describe. Going through so many things right now, like an oil leak that had me pumping more money into oil this month than in gas, has got me ready to crawl under a blanket and just hide. I need peace and I need quiet. I yearn for day not spent listening to elevator music or screaming kids in a dining room where I am trying to huddle at a table and work, as I drink too much coffee. This is hard. Living like this is hard. As much as I SEEM pretty outgoing to most of you, sometimes I really need to hide away and be quiet. I’m going on a month now with no privacy at all. I’m dealing with an overabundance of input to my system and I’m starting to crack under the pressure. I feel myself growing irritable and grumpy on a deep level. My soul is so worn out from this year.

The woman I had put so much hope into turned out to be just another turn down the wrong road. I must stress, and I was thinking about this today, that she is a very nice person. In fact, she’s a really good person with a kind heart. We just are like oil and water and it hurts me to know that no amount of effort could really ever have brought us together permanently. Letting her go was the best thing. I’m very sad that it didn’t work, but I know that it’s for the best. I feel badly for hanging on longer than I probably should have. Staying in situations too long just creates more hurt for both people in the long run. This is something that I have learned and it’s a lesson that I’m not going to forget.

I worry about myself sometimes. I worry that I’ll get so good at starting over that I’ll forget how to stay. Today I thought about one of my ex whom I was with for nearly 7 years. I thought about the home we had together, the nice dishes, the king sized bed and the leather furniture. We had a nice home … yet neither of us was happy. Still, life was easier for sure. I wonder and I worry if I will ever find the person that actually gets me and understands me. Will she ever be there and if I do find her, will I be able to stay now? My life has changed so much and I’m not sure what I think of it.

one reason to hold on

A friend’s child messaged me and told me how cool she thought my life was  and that I was so lucky to do all the things I do. She went on for a bit, telling me that I was really interesting and my life seems like a wonderful adventure. As she spoke a fear began to grow in me. She thought my life was cool? I couldn’t possibly let her think that! I finally told her, “You don’t want to be like me. My life is hard. My life is lonely. I’m lonely and I’m sad most of the time, I just don’t show it.” I was so worried that she’d seriously want to be like me that I told her mother that she simply had to explain to her daughter that my life was NOT one to be envied!

Sure, I’m lucky to have gone places and done things that other people haven’t done because they were tied down to spouses, kids and their jobs. I am happy that I’ve done so much and traveled so many places, yet sometimes I’d trade all of my adventures for one day with a family to come home to. All of my holidays typically are spent alone. I won’t watch children of my own grow-up and I’ll never experience having grandchildren. I don’t have holiday traditions anymore, they died with my parents and I’ve had no one to create new ones with, or to pass any down to.

I suppose it is the season getting to me, along with stress and being worn out completely. I have a lot to be thankful for and I always am. God knows that I am very thankful for the things that I have, especially the things that really matter. I’m just thinking about my life and wondering where it goes from here. I find myself wishing that I would find the perfect woman who would just climb into the passenger seat, look at me and say, “Where are we headed today?”

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Categories: life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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10 thoughts on “I’m Back

  1. aemr1313

    Wow, you and I are living very similar lives. With just a few alterations I could have written this blog. Hang in there and don’t stop hoping…at least that’s what I’m doing. 🙂

  2. Jesse I will definitely keep you in my thoughts. I have often worried about you. I can only imagine the loneliness that you must feel. Please know that you do have friends and people that think about you. I know it is not much being that they are not always there with you in person but you are with them in their thoughts. Anyhoo. I hope that you are able to have a good day today and that things will start to get better. Take care my friend.

  3. sorry to hear that life is so hard right now, it is easy to sit here and say keep your chin up but that is not always easy. I hope you find the one to make a life with …i am sure she is out there ….it took me a long time to find my help mate and soul mate in life and i wish you the best my new friend. peace love and hugs.

  4. Tammie

    Tradition, is as your heart defines it, and you are never too old to start it. I learned a long time ago that if I was going to wait on the family of my birth to be the family that I desired, I would be long gone before those amazing memories began to form. I started to build a tribe, we are all over, but we have each other’s backs, and we know it. They are my family. We support each other, we are a family of misfit toy’s if you will. One’s whose families weren’t what they were supposed to be. We have created our own traditions, shared in the raising of each other’s children, loved each other unconditionally, and will continue to do so, for all of our days.
    You have time to love a child as if you birthed that child yourself, and hold a grandchild in your arms with no less love than that of a grandparent. If that is what your heart desires, you will get there. I have children in my life that I may not have given birth to, but I love with as much love as I could if I had given birth to them myself. It is possible. Love is limitless, when you allow it to be…
    I think that people look up to you because they believe you are able to put yourself “out” there and so many people wish they could do that. Because you aren’t afraid to bare your soul and say how you feel and so many people cannot do that without fear of what may happen. When you want something, you just take off and get it. Most people won’t take that risk. You are definitely to be admired. Maybe you should take a page from that book and learn to admire yourself…

    • Wow, Tammie, you made me smile and I guess I do have to stop and think a wee bit, eh? I’ve found that people seem to think of me as a role model in some ways. It is a little bit of pressure to “perform” but I really do enjoy being able to change people’s minds about many things. It is truly a blessing to have such a following of good people who talk to me, comment on my posts and encourage me by telling me what my thoughts mean to them. I appreciate your post, Tammie. Thanks!

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