I haven’t been around much since Thanksgiving and I apologize to everyone. Going through all those feelings that one encounters at the end of a relationship, along with the holidays and the many other issues I’ve had going on… it has been a long month for me.
The above song was my choice because I think that most people see me as the act that I put on for the benefit of the world around me. Yes, I can be the life of the party. Yes, I make people around me smile and I do things for others without thinking twice about it. On the inside, I’m dying a slow death most of the time.
Recently, I’ve noted that I am more sensitive than I used to be. Loud noises and busy shopping centers are a chore for me right now. I find that I am so over-stimulated that my system is purely exhausted. Lately, I have been having to rely on public places to do my daily work. I’ve had to rely on public places with pay showers and too much fast food due to lack of cooking facilities to do much without being plugged into power. The dog thinks the shopping center parking lot is our new home. I hope like hell it isn’t.
I’m tired on a level that is hard to describe. Going through so many things right now, like an oil leak that had me pumping more money into oil this month than in gas, has got me ready to crawl under a blanket and just hide. I need peace and I need quiet. I yearn for day not spent listening to elevator music or screaming kids in a dining room where I am trying to huddle at a table and work, as I drink too much coffee. This is hard. Living like this is hard. As much as I SEEM pretty outgoing to most of you, sometimes I really need to hide away and be quiet. I’m going on a month now with no privacy at all. I’m dealing with an overabundance of input to my system and I’m starting to crack under the pressure. I feel myself growing irritable and grumpy on a deep level. My soul is so worn out from this year.
The woman I had put so much hope into turned out to be just another turn down the wrong road. I must stress, and I was thinking about this today, that she is a very nice person. In fact, she’s a really good person with a kind heart. We just are like oil and water and it hurts me to know that no amount of effort could really ever have brought us together permanently. Letting her go was the best thing. I’m very sad that it didn’t work, but I know that it’s for the best. I feel badly for hanging on longer than I probably should have. Staying in situations too long just creates more hurt for both people in the long run. This is something that I have learned and it’s a lesson that I’m not going to forget.
I worry about myself sometimes. I worry that I’ll get so good at starting over that I’ll forget how to stay. Today I thought about one of my ex whom I was with for nearly 7 years. I thought about the home we had together, the nice dishes, the king sized bed and the leather furniture. We had a nice home … yet neither of us was happy. Still, life was easier for sure. I wonder and I worry if I will ever find the person that actually gets me and understands me. Will she ever be there and if I do find her, will I be able to stay now? My life has changed so much and I’m not sure what I think of it.
A friend’s child messaged me and told me how cool she thought my life was and that I was so lucky to do all the things I do. She went on for a bit, telling me that I was really interesting and my life seems like a wonderful adventure. As she spoke a fear began to grow in me. She thought my life was cool? I couldn’t possibly let her think that! I finally told her, “You don’t want to be like me. My life is hard. My life is lonely. I’m lonely and I’m sad most of the time, I just don’t show it.” I was so worried that she’d seriously want to be like me that I told her mother that she simply had to explain to her daughter that my life was NOT one to be envied!
Sure, I’m lucky to have gone places and done things that other people haven’t done because they were tied down to spouses, kids and their jobs. I am happy that I’ve done so much and traveled so many places, yet sometimes I’d trade all of my adventures for one day with a family to come home to. All of my holidays typically are spent alone. I won’t watch children of my own grow-up and I’ll never experience having grandchildren. I don’t have holiday traditions anymore, they died with my parents and I’ve had no one to create new ones with, or to pass any down to.
I suppose it is the season getting to me, along with stress and being worn out completely. I have a lot to be thankful for and I always am. God knows that I am very thankful for the things that I have, especially the things that really matter. I’m just thinking about my life and wondering where it goes from here. I find myself wishing that I would find the perfect woman who would just climb into the passenger seat, look at me and say, “Where are we headed today?”