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All Along I Believed I Would Find You


One Step Closer

I distinctly remember when I was very young standing in the pasture and looking up at the stars, as I used to love to do. I remember singing a song that I used to love to sing, it was from Cinderella and wish upon the moon. I talked to God back in those days and I asked if there would ever be anyone for me. I felt so awkward, so strange and so abnormal. In a town of 850 people, I was SURE I was the only one like me. I already knew that I couldn’t talk to my parents. I was 12 and I was already hiding in a closet that was dark and lonely.

Two years ago I met you. You were troubled. You weren’t free. To say that things were complicated would be an understatement.  I wanted more with you, but it was not ready to happen. It was a very hard decision for me to walk away but I chose to protect my heart. Sometimes it helps to be angry, sometimes we mask hurt by pretending to be angry when our hearts are really breaking and we don’t know how to pick up the pieces and put them back together again?

Since that time, I went to stay in a cabin where I could be alone. I lived in the woods, with no heat, no water and not much of anything. From there I chased a life in FL. More of the same emptiness and I almost died twice in the last two years. I’ve tried desperately to solve this puzzle of life. I had no clue that it was life that was solving the puzzle of me… This summer, everything changed for me. So much about life has become clear to me, my sweet angel.

I’ve made wrong turns. I’ve trusted those that I shouldn’t have trusted and I’ve pushed some away that I possibly should have let in. I was protecting when I should have opened up and running when I should have stayed and staying places I should never have come to in the first place. Two years later….a random email reaches out from across the miles….and touches me, as I sat in the dark. A single tear would run down my cheek.

Where my heart is flying to these days....

Where my heart is flying to these days….

Time Spins And A Thousand Years Passes Through My Life Like A Moment In Time

Suddenly, I am catapulted back in time. Everything spins and I’m shot back to those conversations with God, asking if there would ever be someone for me. The earth stops spinning and in the silence I hear you say, “I miss you.” Breathless, I’m beginning to see things clearly. I’m beginning to realize the “why” and the reasons for the journey, starting to see the changes in me and the ways I was prepared for this moment, this place, this decision and this new chapter of my life.

Suddenly, when I was already feeling happiness at knowing my place in life and what my reasons for walking here were all about, you walked back into my world. In a moment my heart was swept away, out into the sea of your soul. I know that you are going to keep it safe. It feels like it has finally come home, my heart finally feels safe. Your smile brings me such joy that I cannot explain and I openly weep because I cannot breathe nor explain how deep my feelings are being touched. Somewhere, in a place locked away deep, down in my soul….it feels like you were already there.

You could never know what you mean to me or how you have awakened the spirit inside of me. I feel like I am flying higher than I’ve ever dared. The last six months have been an incredible journey, but I am not afraid anymore. You are what I was meant to find…I feel it as surely as I can see my hands type these words. You fill me until I overflow and my heart is so happy that I feel that it will surely explode and I just don’t care. Every breath and hour surely have come to this.

Don’t Be Afraid

I sincerely do feel that I have loved you for a thousand years and that you are the one one I was seeking all this time. Some refer to it as a twin flame or a soul mate. I’ve always shied away from using such words but right now I can find no other words to describe the way that I feel. My heart has taken flight and I’m just sitting here watching it like a kite, climbing higher and higher. I’m feeling overjoyed at the experience and out of breath. I do believe that we are meant to be together and that this time is for real, for always and forever. There’s not a single red flag and all I see and feel tell me that you are the one….and I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.

Darling, don’t be afraid. I’ve loved you for a thousand years and I will love you for a thousand more….

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Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “All Along I Believed I Would Find You

  1. lea

    wish you all the happiness in the world my new friend

    • Thanks, Lea. She’s truly amazing. I just know that she’s the one. I feel it completely with no reservations. Never felt quite like this. I have always had reservations about people, situations. With her I have none. I feel completely at home with her. It’s so nice. 🙂

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