If you don’t listen to the song and read the words, you won’t get this blog at the end. j/s
Since July of last year, I feel that I’ve been living in a vacuum. It feels as though my world has been closing in around me and expanding all at the same time. Feels like a nuclear bomb. Perhaps I see things more clearly now than I ever have at any other time in my life? Like push pins on a map, the moments in my life are coming together to create a picture. I’ve been playing an extraordinary game of connect the dots!
The wind blows and the leaves will fall. Am I a leaf or am I the tree? At times I feel naked as a tree in the dead of winter. Other times I feel like a leaf that has been tossed and turned, carried off with the wind before finally landing on the ground. Bruised and battered, I lay on the ground for all the world to trod upon.
Yes, today I am pensive. Today I am silent for the most part. Life surprises me, catches me off guard and makes me reflective today. I’ve said recently to my best friend, “My soul is tired. It’s a ‘way deep down kind of tired’ that I can’t even begin to describe, but I need peace. I need a break. I need off the ride a while.”
This past week I had something very devastating happen to me. I still don’t want to talk about it but I am wounded very deeply. I keep very little to myself, as you all know…but this I simply cannot bring myself to share. Two people know…my best friend and the woman I love. I may not recover for a very long time. My soul has been deeply wounded. I cried and I don’t do this easily anymore. I cried so hard that a kindly old man at the truck stop came up and talked to me about how cruel the world was. He assured me that he had been at the bottom of the heap his whole life and then he bought me dinner. He was kind and reminded me that there were still nice people out there. I was beginning to wonder…
Today, I took a walk down memory lane. I did something that I will do when I’m feeling like this … I looked at the Facebook page of the person I first loved a long, long time ago. Things between us didn’t exactly end on a happy note and I’ve always had a lot of regrets because of that. I made a lot of mistakes and I was so very naive back then. This time, I found something on her page that made me want to comment, so I did. I’d never done that before but what she had written struck a chord with me and I was compelled to respond.
Would you believe that in less than ten minutes I received a message from her and a friend request? We talked about what we were both up to, what we’d done over the years and honestly had a really nice conversation. We even exchanged phone numbers. I told her I couldn’t believe that I was sitting here talking to her and she asked me why. I replied that I was just so shocked after all these years that she’d talk to me. She said to me, “Time is not real.” She always was pretty cool.
I’m smiling now, even though it has been one of the hardest weeks I’ve had in a very long time. Still, my mood is somber. Jo is distant because her own life is a train wreck right now. I say that with much love, I really do. She won’t let me help and keeps me at arm’s length. There is little I can do except to sit and wait on her. I told her I would and I will… however, with so much in my life coming full circle within the last year, I am beginning to wonder if my life isn’t tying up loose ends for a reason? Perhaps I am just feeling old? Perhaps my soul is incredibly tired? Perhaps that IS my soul up there?