None But Ourselves Can Free Our Minds ….
What a truly awful and challenging couple of weeks. Last week I lost my dog of 13 years. I absolutely do not want to talk about it. It was devastating to me. He was my best friend…in many ways, he was my only friend. For 13 years he rode shotgun, licked my tears away and never failed to wiggle his Australian Shepherd behind for me. When I was highly depressed, in the early years, he acted as my service dog. Captain was his call name. He had a fancy paper name…but we never cared about that. To me, he was “The Captain of My Heart” and I’m pretty sure it will be a long, long time before i can bring myself to have another dog…if ever.
Born February 12th, 2000 – Captain visited many hospitals, nursing homes and rarely passed a child without giving them a lick. He was a lover of cats, puppies, children, he let a parakeet sit on his head, a monkey sit on his back once; he even made friends with a pet skunk. The dog simply was a lover, not a fighter. I miss you buddy. You have touched my life forever and will never ever be forgotten. He graces the cover a short little book, “My Dog Taught Me Everything I Know,” that he inspired me to write. It’s just a little motivator. Any money from it has always gone to help other dogs in need. I pledge the money to dogs who need surgeries, donate it to the local shelters and I will never ever keep a dime of it.
We Got To Fulfill the Book
A woman I knew and loved over twenty years ago popped up on my screen with “How the hell are you??” about a week ago. I’d looked for her many times. Always wondered about her and worried. There’s more to that story that I’m not prepared to talk about publicly yet too. We’ve talked a whole lot in the past few days and I’m glad she’s been around. The song above was her way of attempting to cheer me up today. She told me to listen to it over and over.
I think she and I have had similar lessons from life, yet traveled very different paths. I always considered her a wealth of information and she still is. That has been a bright spot for me recently…yet, very emotional at the same time. It’s been a “good emotional experience” but draining. I’m glad she’s back in my world though…I think it’s a little brighter to have a friend that remembers who I used to be. It feels like my world is coming full circle in so many ways. I’m not unhappy at the place I am at. Not at all.
Yet, today I found out something that has me feeling completely devastated – on top of everything else. The person I find myself currently involved with has presented me with some very interesting and heavy challenges. I don’t know how I am going to work through this. I truly don’t. I found myself in the shower this evening, crying my eyes out and asking God what I was doing wrong. OBVIOUSLY I am doing something wrong. I mean…I’ve dated a woman who was co-owner of a dental clinic, a dental hygienist AND a dentist in the last 4 years….and I still need dental work done! Obviously, I am doing SOMETHING wrong!! (my sarcasm NEVER fails me)
She and I are now attempting to figure out something that I don’t know CAN be figured out. I want to! I want to waive a magic wand and make it all better…but this isn’t going to resolve itself. I can’t resolve it for her either. She has to do this on her own and all I can do is tell her that I’m here when she decides what she wants to do. Like Motel 6, I can leave the light on – and that’s about all I can do for her. It’s frustrating, heartbreaking and I am tired of crying! Everyone who walks by me looks at me, then quickly looks away because no one wants to deal with someone else in tears.
It’s too cold outside to sleep in the RV, so I’ve been holed-up inside the truck stop; reduced to hiding in a far corner booth and sleeping with my head on a table. Luckily, I am not the only one. A lot of truckers don’t want to waste their fuel running heat either…so they are in here with me and I”m just doing what I’ve done my whole life – blending in. The down side is that I am not sleeping much and I am purely exhausted and attempting to deal with all this stuff on zero sleep. I’ve slept 2-4 hours in the last 36 hours. I’m falling asleep while sitting up, trying to finish this.
I’m reaching my breaking point. Don’t know how much more I can put up with and what my limits actually are…but I know I am getting close. I never ask you all for this…but right now, pray for me. If you don’t pray, think if me and send me some of your energy because I could use the strength and some guidance. Thanks to Ellen, Sheila and Toby for helping by listening today. Thanks to Chris, Deborah, Luise, Marie, Molly and Doreen for all offering support, their phone numbers, showers and whatever else they could think of. Special thanks to Luise and Jo B. for helping me to be able to leave FL safely. You all have been well above and beyond anything that I could ever ask for or expect. Sheila, thanks for making sure I could get my RV back when it was towed. What would I do without all you wonderful people!? I really love you all. I know that I am blessed with wonderful people who care about me, as well as follow everything I do. Thank-you, from the bottom of my heart. Also, thanks to the rest of you. Sorry I couldn’t mention you all by name. It would be a very long blog! I appreciate you too – even if you don’t see your name here. I promise I don’t forget you.