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Finding Redemption


 

None But Ourselves Can Free Our Minds ….

What a truly awful and challenging couple of weeks. Last week I lost my dog of 13 years. I absolutely do not want to talk about it. It was devastating to me. He was my best friend…in many ways, he was my only friend. For 13 years he rode shotgun, licked my tears away and never failed to wiggle his Australian Shepherd behind for me. When I was highly depressed, in the early years, he acted as my service dog. Captain was his call name. He had a fancy paper name…but we never cared about that. To me, he was “The Captain of My Heart” and I’m pretty sure it will be a long, long time before i can bring myself to have another dog…if ever.

Born February 12th, 2000 – Captain visited many hospitals, nursing homes and rarely passed a child without giving them a lick. He was a lover of cats, puppies, children, he let a parakeet sit on his head, a monkey sit on his back once; he even made friends with a pet skunk. The dog simply was a lover, not a fighter. I miss you buddy. You have touched my life forever and will never ever be forgotten. He graces the cover a short little book, “My Dog Taught Me Everything I Know,” that he inspired me to write. It’s just a little motivator. Any money from it has always gone to help other dogs in need. I pledge the money to dogs who need surgeries, donate it to the local shelters and I will never ever keep a dime of it.

Totally posing for me. I could leave him in the middle of Petsmart in a down-stay and come back and get him in 30 minutes. He wouldn't budge.

Totally posing for me. I could leave him in the middle of PetsMart in a down-stay and come back and get him in 30 minutes. He wouldn’t budge.

 

We Got To Fulfill the Book

A woman I knew and loved over twenty years ago popped up on my screen with “How the hell are you??” about a week ago. I’d looked for her many times. Always wondered about her and worried. There’s more to that story that I’m not prepared to talk about publicly yet too. We’ve talked a whole lot in the past few days and I’m glad she’s been around. The song above was her way of attempting to cheer me up today. She told me to listen to it over and over.

I think she and I have had similar lessons from life, yet traveled very different paths. I always considered her a wealth of information and she still is. That has been a bright spot for me recently…yet, very emotional at the same time. It’s been a “good emotional experience” but draining.  I’m glad she’s back in my world though…I think it’s a little brighter to have a friend that remembers who I used to be. It feels like my world is coming full circle in so many ways. I’m not unhappy at the place I am at. Not at all.

Yet, today I found out something that has me feeling completely devastated – on top of everything else. The person I find myself currently involved with has presented me with some very interesting and heavy challenges. I don’t know how I am going to work through this. I truly don’t. I found myself in the shower this evening, crying my eyes out and asking God what I was doing wrong. OBVIOUSLY I am doing something wrong. I mean…I’ve dated a woman who was co-owner of a dental clinic, a dental hygienist AND a dentist in the last 4 years….and I still need dental work done! Obviously, I am doing SOMETHING wrong!! (my sarcasm NEVER fails me)

She and I are now attempting to figure out something that I don’t know CAN be figured out. I want to! I want to waive a magic wand and make it all better…but this isn’t going to resolve itself. I can’t resolve it for her either. She has to do this on her own and all I can do is tell her that I’m here when she decides what she wants to do. Like Motel 6, I can leave the light on – and that’s about all I can do for her. It’s frustrating, heartbreaking and I am tired of crying! Everyone who walks by me looks at me, then quickly looks away because no one wants to deal with someone else in tears.

It’s too cold outside to sleep in the RV, so I’ve been holed-up inside the truck stop; reduced to hiding in a far corner booth and sleeping with my head on a table. Luckily, I am not the only one. A lot of truckers don’t want to waste their fuel running heat either…so they are in here with me and I”m just doing what I’ve done my whole life – blending in. The down side is that I am not sleeping much and I am purely exhausted and attempting to deal with all this stuff on zero sleep. I’ve slept 2-4 hours in the last 36 hours. I’m falling asleep while sitting up, trying to finish this.

I’m reaching my breaking point. Don’t know how much more I can put up with and what my limits actually are…but I know I am getting close. I never ask you all for this…but right now, pray for me. If you don’t pray, think if me and send me some of your energy because I could use the strength and some guidance. Thanks to Ellen, Sheila and Toby for helping by listening today. Thanks to Chris, Deborah, Luise, Marie, Molly and Doreen for all offering support, their phone numbers, showers and whatever else they could think of. Special thanks to Luise and Jo B. for helping me to be able to leave FL safely. You all have been well above and beyond anything that I could ever ask for or expect. Sheila, thanks for making sure I could get my RV back when it was towed. What would I do without all you wonderful people!? I really love you all. I know that I am blessed with wonderful people who care about me, as well as follow everything I do. Thank-you, from the bottom of my heart. Also, thanks to the rest of you. Sorry I couldn’t mention you all by name. It would be a very long blog! I appreciate you too – even if you don’t see your name here. I promise I don’t forget you.

 

 

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Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | 9 Comments

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9 thoughts on “Finding Redemption

  1. Lisa

    the sun ALWAYS rises….

  2. My candle will stay lit for you my friend. Stay safe and warm. Reach out when you need to. We’re here for you!

  3. Sara Campbell

    I hate that you are having such a rough time of it. In the movies that big romantic gesture is followed by happily ever after but reality isn’t always a fan. You have a wonderful support group of internet friends and in my opinion that “family” is, by far, more understanding and heartfelt. For you, my friend, i pray for comfort, warmth, time, understanding, hot meals, dreams, success, good sleep, hope, the strength to keep going, and a big hug just because everyone needs a good one every once in a while.

  4. Sending prayers Jesse. I hope it all works out for you. It was so lovely to see you so very happy just a week ago. I hope this is just a temporary bump in the road and you’ll be back to smooth sailing very soon. Wish I was close enough to offer you a warm place to stay. x

  5. I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your dog. I know how deeply that cuts.

    Sometimes we are willing and ready to suit up and show up in the world as the face of God’s love, light, compassion and grace EVEN when it seems like everything is caving in on us. When we are ready AND willing, (as you so obviously are), then it happens. I don’t think of it as a test, rather as a graduation ceremony that, for me, showed me that I am never alone. That I am strong enough to bear incredible loss, and still be the true my inner spirit, still BE the love in the world. And then, it began teaching me another lesson…on how the faces of others would also light up in joy at having an opportunity to help ME… for so long it had been pretty much a one way street because I am a self-sufficient son of a bitch…

    Rambling a little here due to pain and lack of sleep, but what I pray that you hear is this… LOOK at who you are being every day RIGHT NOW… in the midst of deep muck… Look at the people, like John’s, who’s lives you have touched in ways you may never even know. You are BEING that light in the world… You are touching others in the way we were meant to. You are leaving the mark of Creator’s love on those you meet. All while suffering…afraid…grieving. And who among us could do better? At a time when many would turn to self pity, (and since you are human I am sure you have your moments), and bitterness, YOU have remembered the truth – that being the instrument of love and compassion in the world is the healing balm for ourselves as well.

    sending you prayers and energy

    Wolf

    • I do get what you are saying, my friend. I have given my life over to God and put it in His hands. Since that day, I have made it my business to try to be the person who would help others. My life has changed in incredible ways. I feel love all around me…even when I see pain as well. I have come to learn that without the pain, we cannot have the love. They are ying and yang…and I’ve learned to accept and even relish both. Does this make sense to you or strike a chord, Toby? Simply put…I am a changed human being. I like who I am and who I am becoming. For the first time in my life…I REALLY like ME! 😉

  6. smile…yep makes sense. My perspective is a bit different about pain, but what truly matters is the surrender to whatever people want to call it – God, Creator, Universe, or even, from a humanistic perspective, a person’s own Higher Self. It brings sun through the clouds and we can live lives where we make a difference.

    BTW, no one has called me toby except my damn doctors in years. 😉

  7. Lynn

    Jesse, I am so sorry about the loss of your beautiful companion. I sit here writing this with my two best friends (kitties) on either side of me. Loosing our animal companions can hurt so deeply, and sometimes healing can only come with time…a lot of time. Know that prayers and positive energy is being sent your way 🙂

    • Thank-you. Sorry for the delay in approving your post. Somehow it got lost in the shuffle. I do appreciate when people take the time to comment and I especially appreciate that you understand my pain. Another battle scar from life. :/

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