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Here I Go Again!


 

Here I Go Again!

 

I know that many of you have been following what has been going on with Jo and I. There frankly has been nothing to tell. She’s stuck in this pattern of not being forthcoming, hiding facts and insisting on being secretive. In all honestly, I completely understand this behavior – I really do. Understanding it doesn’t make me want to stick around and be subjected to it though.

You see … while I understand it, that doesn’t mean that I feel I deserve it. As I told her about two weeks ago…I deserve someone who is there for me and that I can build a future with. I’ve simply decided that with all that has happened, I have zero trust for her. Weighing my options and thinking about what I want and need in a love, I can clearly see that I’ll NEVER have that with Jo. I wish her all the best and I’d still be here if she needed help, but I think it is simply time to stop wasting my efforts. I’ve helped as much as I can. I can add domestic abuse to my list of things that I advocate to change. Another lesson, thank-you God.

My peace comes in knowing I did all I could. You can lead a horse to water….

So what happens now? Hmmm…good question, I suppose. I have no real plans. I’m intending to visit FL soon, so that Ellen and I can catch up. She makes me feel better. Our conversations are more “even” nowadays. Back in the days when we were a couple ( 20 years ago), we didn’t feel very equal to me. I felt like the kid who still hadn’t participated in life and had no real experiences to draw upon. Now I’m different and we both have a lot of shared experiences and opinions about life in general. We’ve had some really good conversations and I look forward to having more great conversations while sitting at the beach or over a good meal. She has an infectious laugh and I could use some of that right now.

In fact, I could use some “beach and sunshine” right now. I’ve been thinking about my life a lot these past few weeks. My friend Sheila has been after me to put down roots. I agree with her…I need to, but don’t know for sure where I want to. I’ve moved around so much that I now have many places that call out to me and nowhere really feels like home. It has been very tough for me to figure out what to do and where I want to be. I’ve sort of come to the conclusion that I need to live in FL in the winter and IL in the summer. That said, now I have to work on my income so that I can afford to do that. It isn’t really so hard. Once you set your mind on something and it feels right, then you just do it. That’s the way I’ve always lived my life…decide what to do…then just do it. I still want to visit Ireland next year and now it looks like it may be alone. No…that’s not a hint for women to apply! LOL

Fact is, I’m feeling a little sorrowful today over the things I want from life that I’m not getting – as of yet. I may roam a lot and seem very independent…but the truth is that I’m a little lonely sometimes. I honestly always wanted to marry someone and settle down – though my idea of settling down is not really what other’s ideas might be! I see me traveling the Irish and Scottish countrysides on horse back or bikes with someone. I see me holding someone’s hand and walking on the beach and snuggling at a bonfire, toasting New Year’s Eve in a new place each year.   Somewhere…she’s out there, the one who wants the same things from life, has the same views and understands that it is about the adventure and the journey, not the toys you acquire alone the way! Onward and upward!

***Breathe, Believe, Become***

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Categories: lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , | 14 Comments

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14 thoughts on “Here I Go Again!

  1. Follow your path my friend. Things tend to fall into place when we least expect it. Stay true to you and never stop following your dreams. I may not be able to physically join you on your journeys, but know, I am always there in spirit. Your determination is always a bright spot in my days. 🙂

  2. hope you find her mate ….i will be in florida last part of may (near lakeland) to see my sister whom i havent seen in 13 years and to watch my nephew graduate if you are around there maybe we can grab lunch or something .

    • Lea, I don’t think I’ll be there in May unless I go visit Ellen for her birthday…which I just might. If I do…I’ll most likely post something about it on Facebook and I know you follow me there! 😉

  3. Keep on rockin’ lady!!

  4. Andrew

    Hi, i am bit confused and need help, please. i am a heterosexual man and have recently fallen for a (soft) butch lesbian.
    A lot of people have commented in the past that i am quite effeminate. And a lot of gay men hit on me. But the fact is i am completely heterosexual.
    I’m attracted to femme / feminine type women (straight or lesbian) sexually but not emotionally. But attracted to butch type women both sexually and emotionally (and more often than not butch type women who are lesbian, and at the moment with a soft butch lesbian in particular).
    This might sound bizarre but not making it up. I feel like a lesbian trapped in a man’s body!
    Is there any hope / chance pursuing this woman or will she just laugh in my face? Could such women be interested in effeminate (lesbian-trapped-in-a-man’s-body) men like me? I am certainly attracted to her sexually, above all, emotionally.
    Any advice / insight would be appreciated.
    Thanks, Andrew

    • Andrew, I can’t tell you how she’ll react but hopefully she’d be nice about it. I doubt she’s going to be interested but she should be flattered. I don’t think your story is bizarre in any way. I view sexuality as very fluid. The fact is that we are attracted to PEOPLE – not sexes. I cannot begin to tell you what you are … and I hesitate to put anyone in any category anyway. Just be comfortable with who you are and who you are attracted to. You are not the only person who feels as you do….I guarantee you that. I’ve talked to too many people in my lifetime. There is nothing wrong with you and no reason to feel that way. You sound like you may be experiencing some questions in regards to your sexuality. Perhaps you should seek out some transgender forums on Facebook or other places on the internet and seek answers to your questions there? As I am not transgender I cannot offer you much advice, though some of my readers might. I sincerely hope that they will respond to you kindly and without any judgments. If they do not…they will answer to me. 😉 I welcome your questions and applaud you for asking for the advice.

  5. Sara Campbell

    Sending happy thoughts your way. It’s funny how life always throws a kink in good plans and then has the balls to laugh as you are scrambling around trying to figure out what to do next. I wish the best for you on the next chapter in your book. I’m a firm believer that there’s a reason for everything. Keep in mind, while you are searching for your “forever”….. she is looking for you too. You have a loving fan base that’s rooting for you.
    Much Love ,
    Sara

    • 🙂 Thanks so much, Sara! I know “she” is out there and I have absolute faith that I will end my life with the person I am supposed to be with. Hard to explain why I feel that way. Faith is hard to explain, but I have no doubts in my mind that I’m moving closer to her and she to me, right this very moment in time. 😉

  6. Andrew

    @Jesse,
    Thanks for your reply.
    I’m very happy being male, physically. I have no desire to be female, physically, at all.
    And i’m completely unattracted to men. Which is so bizarre because a lot of people find me feminine, emotionally (effeminate is the wrong word, perhaps, as that suggests, perhaps, i make feminine-like physical gestures – i don’t think, although i’m certainly not macho in how i talk, walk, act in general etc).
    I’m just wondwring now what “lesbian” really means?
    I’m thinking that bisexual means someone who is attracted both sexually and emotionally to both sexes (and could have long term relations with both). Is this right?
    And then there are lesbians who 1) not attracted to men either sexually or emotionally (of course that doesn’t mean they don’t love men as human beings – that’s different) 2) attracted to men sexually in some way but not emotionlly 3) attracted to men sexually and attracted to men who have lesbian-trapped-in-a-male-body natures like me (but is she really a lesbian in this case, and, overall is she more attracted to women physically?).
    I’m hoping 3 as there are butch lesbians i am very attracted to, in every sense (and more so than most straight women i know), and it, greatly, opens up possibilities for people like me who have this sort of lesbian-trapped-in-a-male-body sexuality and emotional life.
    Best wishes, A.

    • Andrew, All things are possible and I am positive that there is someone out there for you! You are doing exactly what you should be doing…talking about it and expressing your true self. Someone out there is going to like that and be attracted, I’m sure. 🙂

  7. Positive energy and thoughts being sent your way Jesse! You’re perseverance and positive attitude is incredibly inspiring 😀

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