Here I Go Again!
I know that many of you have been following what has been going on with Jo and I. There frankly has been nothing to tell. She’s stuck in this pattern of not being forthcoming, hiding facts and insisting on being secretive. In all honestly, I completely understand this behavior – I really do. Understanding it doesn’t make me want to stick around and be subjected to it though.
You see … while I understand it, that doesn’t mean that I feel I deserve it. As I told her about two weeks ago…I deserve someone who is there for me and that I can build a future with. I’ve simply decided that with all that has happened, I have zero trust for her. Weighing my options and thinking about what I want and need in a love, I can clearly see that I’ll NEVER have that with Jo. I wish her all the best and I’d still be here if she needed help, but I think it is simply time to stop wasting my efforts. I’ve helped as much as I can. I can add domestic abuse to my list of things that I advocate to change. Another lesson, thank-you God.
My peace comes in knowing I did all I could. You can lead a horse to water….
So what happens now? Hmmm…good question, I suppose. I have no real plans. I’m intending to visit FL soon, so that Ellen and I can catch up. She makes me feel better. Our conversations are more “even” nowadays. Back in the days when we were a couple ( 20 years ago), we didn’t feel very equal to me. I felt like the kid who still hadn’t participated in life and had no real experiences to draw upon. Now I’m different and we both have a lot of shared experiences and opinions about life in general. We’ve had some really good conversations and I look forward to having more great conversations while sitting at the beach or over a good meal. She has an infectious laugh and I could use some of that right now.
In fact, I could use some “beach and sunshine” right now. I’ve been thinking about my life a lot these past few weeks. My friend Sheila has been after me to put down roots. I agree with her…I need to, but don’t know for sure where I want to. I’ve moved around so much that I now have many places that call out to me and nowhere really feels like home. It has been very tough for me to figure out what to do and where I want to be. I’ve sort of come to the conclusion that I need to live in FL in the winter and IL in the summer. That said, now I have to work on my income so that I can afford to do that. It isn’t really so hard. Once you set your mind on something and it feels right, then you just do it. That’s the way I’ve always lived my life…decide what to do…then just do it. I still want to visit Ireland next year and now it looks like it may be alone. No…that’s not a hint for women to apply! LOL
Fact is, I’m feeling a little sorrowful today over the things I want from life that I’m not getting – as of yet. I may roam a lot and seem very independent…but the truth is that I’m a little lonely sometimes. I honestly always wanted to marry someone and settle down – though my idea of settling down is not really what other’s ideas might be! I see me traveling the Irish and Scottish countrysides on horse back or bikes with someone. I see me holding someone’s hand and walking on the beach and snuggling at a bonfire, toasting New Year’s Eve in a new place each year. Somewhere…she’s out there, the one who wants the same things from life, has the same views and understands that it is about the adventure and the journey, not the toys you acquire alone the way! Onward and upward!
***Breathe, Believe, Become***