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Let The Adventures Begin Again!

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Dear friends, fans and followers,

As many of you are quite aware, I’ve posted relatively nothing new here in about a year. I took time off because I needed some time to heal, absorb things and make some sense out of my world. I’ve also been involved in some business dealings that have been quite the kerfuffle, with legalities, politics and more. I have begun to feel like a secret agent with all my contacts in other countries and within our own government. I really wish that I could go into details, but if I told you I would then have to kill you. 😉

So I came back to Illinois and endured some fierce cold almost 2 years ago. I was in touch with Jo still but have since completely broken ties and think I’ve probably got her blocked all the way around now, so that she can’t even be an ant at my picnic anymore. I feel good about it and I feel that moving on was the right thing for me and I have not looked back.

My ex-girlfriend from 20+ years ago and I were in touch for about one year. Ellen, as it turns out, hasn’t changed much in those twenty years. In fact, I think she might possibly be MORE tormented than she was back then. She’s no longer speaking to me because after about a one week escapade of her calling me several nights in a row and talking about gloom and doom and how suicidal she felt, I finally gave the Suicide Hotline her address and phone number and asked them to try to deal with it and help her.

I knew it was probably futile and I told the woman on the phone that she’d be dealing with an highly intelligent, mentally ill person who honestly was going to chew her up and spit her out. Turns out I was right about that. I received a nasty message stating “never contact me again” and I was strangely okay with that. I suppose after all the drama that she was bringing and laying at my feet, I was glad to be done with it? I had gotten what I needed from it, which was knowing that the child I had helped her bring into the world at Bayfront Medical Center all those years ago was fine. Complete closure for me…that’s two notches. Let’s move on…

I let myself get involved with another woman which I quickly learned was a complete train wreck of a situation and I got out of that very quickly. Apparently I have learned some important lessons about getting out of a bad situation quickly? Make that three notches on the post for me so far this year! Moving right along….

A woman in England started chatting me up one day. I really liked her but things seemed sort of one-sided. I was going to go there to meet her. She made it clear that she wouldn’t be the first one to travel anywhere. Red flag number one. She found out her daughter was pregnant and kept going on and on about how she didn’t look like a grandmother and it all began to center around how she had raised her kids, was not going to be stuck babysitting and that she didn’t even want to be called grandmother. Conceit because another red flag, as well as ego issues. Eventually we got into it a little over the fact that she let her friends dictate to her just how involved with me she should be and she became more worried about their opinions than my feelings. I ended it. Yay for me! More proof that I had learned lessons! Make that FOUR notches in my post for the year and mooooo-ving right along!

As some of you may recall, I lost Captain shortly after getting back in Illinois. I have since been acquired by an old dachshund named Harley, a 13 inch beagle named Hannah who just turned one year old, and Jack Russell terrier named Hank who is such a little love. They drive me crazy sometimes, especially Hannah because she’s so young and full of energy but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They’ve helped me heal from many wounds.

When I parked this RV here again, if my emotional wounds and scars had been visible, I’d have looked like someone who had been horse-whipped and drug behind one. I’ve always been a strong person. I’ve gotten even stronger over the years, but I have literally been at my breaking point many, many times over this past year.

The children have also healed me. Again, they make me crazy sometimes but there is simply nothing more soothing nor healing for me as the hug of a two year old who lays her head on my shoulder, wraps her arm around my neck and pulls me close to her as I carry her. The level of trust and love overwhelms me and brings me to the verge of tears so many times. I’ve been blessed to hold an infant many times in the past few weeks and look into his beautiful, blue eyes. When he smiles at me I melt into a puddle of emotion. At the bottom of that puddle I found peace and love brought me back to the surface.

Several weeks back, a few months now already, I was very blessed to find myself talking more and more to someone whom I had actually had a crush on for a while. You all know what I’m talking about and I know it. You KNOW….that person who you see in your Facebook feed and you always have to stop and look at what they say. Sometimes you find yourself looking at their pictures and thinking how lucky their girlfriend or significant other is. Maybe you even feel a little twinge of jealousy? Well…I admit it. I did feel all those things.

I’d see her post all these sweet things over the past year or so about her spouse. I admired the way she was so devoted and loyal. Drove me a little crazy because I wanted that with someone and I also thought that she was very beautiful. I was attracted but I’m a very old-fashioned person. I don’t flirt with someone that I know is with someone else. That’s bad juju and you just don’t do it! Well, one day on my wall, lo and behold, she posted that it was over. I won’t go into why, but I can tell you that it surely wasn’t her fault.

I found myself in a conundrum. I wanted to talk to her SO bad and at the same time I wanted to be respectful. After typing and erasing about a dozen messages, I finally sent one of them and then I sat back and nearly had a nervous breakdown wondering if I’d hear from her. I literally, and I’ve told her this, sat there and had a discussion with myself trying to get the balls to send this message to her. I said to myself, “well, maybe you SHOULD reach out and go after someone. For almost 20 years you’ve let women chase you and that hasn’t exactly been working out for ya…” SO….I did it….I made the first move.

A few moments went by and holy cow, I got a response. Now let me assure you that it was all very respectful. I expressed my sympathy for what happened and what she was going through. She thanked me. We had some very nice discussions. Eventually, we both sort of realized that we were moving beyond just friends and I have to say that she is absolutely, hands down, the most amazing person I have ever come to know and when it comes to my past choices….I think that I finally got this one right.

So….there is the last year in a nutshell. So what now? I am happy to say that the business side of things is paying off and that very soon, probably a matter of days, my income will again be freed up and I’ll be in a very good place financially. My chains will be cut away and once again this bird is free to fly. I’ll be headed to the eastern coast of the upper United States. That is where the mystery lady resides. For now, I’m keeping things just between her and I for a lot of reasons. Perhaps that is another thing that I’ve learned?? 😉

My plan is to spend time there while some family things are resolved and just bide my time. I do have some business things that will be happening as well, but now is not the time for me to disclose them. I will say that many people are going to be shocked and excited all at the same time. It is ALL good, folks. Honest.

To start things off on the correct foot, I’ve given the blog an updated look. I’m taking on more of a warm and inviting look, rather than the pained and hard-edged look that it had before. In the last year I believe that I have changed drastically in the way I see things and feel things. I feel happier and kinder. I feel ready to move on and settle down a little. So there you go…a new look and a new outlook. This holiday season, from Halloween thru New Year’s Eve is going to be a whole new start for me. The world has taken on new colors and they are all happy.

I’d like to ask you all to please, share my blog with friends and in groups that you belong to. There are many more adventures coming, as well as plans for three books I have in my head and need to get on paper! This blog is essentially free and takes a lot of time, which was also part of the reason that I stopped doing it for so long. I’m now in the position that I can afford to do it again! What little I receive from advertising only pays the fees for keeping the URL and the site going. I appreciate all your shares. Also, don’t forget to come by Facebook and like my fan page www.facebook.com/mybutchworld

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2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 56,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 21 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Dear Keeper of My Heart

Dear Keeper of My Heart,

You reminded me that it had been a while since I had written anything. This I already knew because writing anything at this point in my life is almost more than I can bare. My wounds run so deep. Daily I feel the pain, just as fresh as if it were all just yesterday. Like the cold steel of a razor blade cutting into my flesh, I feel the pain; sharp and cunning as it sets my nerves on edge and makes me feel as if it is my soul which is bleeding out all over the floor. I look down and I see the pool of blood at my feet, always there with me though no one else can see. The emotions that I am feeling are impossible to explain. I feel as though I pour my heart out to people all the time, yet a reviewer can say that I do not share enough of my pain or go deep enough. How do I bring people into my hell? Perhaps she had a point? In shielding myself from it, perhaps I do not do it justice – the pain that is.

Keeper of My Heart, I met you a long, long time ago. My mind would not accept the attraction that I felt initially. You were in a relationship with someone else, even though it was a very bad one. You were also much younger than me and I felt like I was somehow wrong to take advantage of that.  Me – always trying to be the one with scruples and the one who stands for something. I always tried to have some code of honor that made sense then but it makes no sense to me now. I loved you and I wouldn’t accept it and I would not act on it. “Keeper” you persisted. You stayed in contact with me. You talked to me and you poured yourself out to me. I got to see parts of you that I know you have not shared with others, even now. You had yourself wrapped-up in a relationship that damaged you daily and had your emotions up and down. You wanted to do what your own honor told you that you should do – stay and make it work. Admirable quality in all honesty. I just wish you weren’t always trying to make things work with everyone else but me….

Eventually I had to walk away. It wasn’t because I didn’t care or that I didn’t have the patience. I left because my heart felt as if it had been shoved through a meat grinder and I hurt so bad. I left feeling not good enough. I felt like I was good enough for you to reach out to, depend on, flirt with and talk to but not good enough for a relationship. I wasn’t good enough for you to leave her and give me a chance. I blamed myself for putting you off in the beginning. I told you that you were with someone else. I told you that you were too young. I told you everything except that I loved you but I did.

I ran away from you. Those were even your words. I went to another state. I wanted and needed to be alone. No one really understood why. They saw a bigger picture I suppose, but the truth was that my heart was broken and my feelings of not being good enough – or just “enough” – had me feeling rejected, humiliated, angry and lost. You left me feeling frustrated and never good enough. I needed to go heal and be alone. I chose the woods and a cabin.

I started down a path of punishing myself. This I didn’t realize until recently. I was so angry at myself for not knowing what to do to get you to leave her. I was mad at ME for never being enough or what you needed. I wasn’t enough to get you to leave that abuse and the thoughts that you’d stay with someone like that when all I wanted to do was love you and protect you was just too much for me. I swirled into depression and anger. I eventually ended-up in FL to date a woman who was what you weren’t. She was free, she was closer to my age and she wanted me around. I couldn’t stand her almost from the beginning. Yes, she was my age. Yes, she had a fantastic career and she wanted me to move in with her. Still…she wasn’t you and her soul just didn’t speak to me. I didn’t like who she was underneath all of those superficial things.

Oddly, you contacted me – you basically found me – shortly after I had told her goodbye. I was several states away by then and all we could do was talk. We talked and talked. My heart got happy again and I realized that I had a chance to make good on the huge mistake I’d made before. I should have stuck around and I should have had more patience. My heart had been so hurt, but soul had never forgiven my brain for running. I had a chance to fix it all…and I loved you. I struggled through more heartaches and pain to get back to Illinois and I survived through extreme conditions for several months only to find that you STILL weren’t ready to leave her. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights. I felt like you misled me and once again, I felt like you had made me ‘second best’ in your life. I felt like I just was destined to never feel quite good enough for you. I spent countless days and nights just waiting and hoping that I’d get to see you or spend some time with you. All I wanted in this world was to just touch your face! I waited and waited and finally, after several months, I gave-up … but I didn’t leave here this time. My soul won that battle this time. I knew there was unfinished business between us I guess? We can’t help who we love or how our heart reacts.

A few months later, you contacted me and told me you were finally free. We talked and I wanted to see you. I hoped to see you alone, but you always protect yourself by being in groups. I get that and yes, I recognize it as a behavior you have when you are protecting yourself. It is very scary how much I actually understand you sometimes. I agreed to come out and meet you with a group of your friends. Somehow we missed each other and I felt stood-up. I felt like I was right back to two years prior and you made a promise to me that you didn’t keep. ALL those times you told me you’d ‘try’ to come by and see me when you knew I was there waiting on you. All those times that you told me I would see you and I’d wait around for hours only for you to pop online and tell me that you got busy with something or sometimes to not even mention that you knew you had let me sit there – hopeful, sad, and broken-hearted.

Don’t get me wrong, on one hand I completely understood. Just on the other hand, my heart was being completely shredded and I just had to assume that you had NO CLUE how much I really did love you. So anyway, I got mad. Very mad. My anger was a reaction to my pain. Drinking six beers while I waited and got more and more upset did not help. I went home and I sent you a message that was probably the nastiest thing I have written to anyone in my life. Looking at it today, I cry. I never wanted to say such hurtful things to you ever. I never wanted to hurt you at all. I only ever wanted to hold you and wipe your tears away. I wanted you to feel my love and know that I’d always be there. Instead, I ended-up saying hurtful things and walking away again because of my own pain. It wasn’t what I wanted.

Yes, I had a rebound relationship this time. Not something I typically ever do but I guess she said the right things and I was vulnerable. It lasted about two months. My thoughts went straight back to you and I contacted you and apologized. I needed to and I knew that. Regardless what ever would or wouldn’t happen between you and I, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t apologize to you for hurting you. I find you dating someone. I take the kick in the crotch as well as can be expected. A) I understand all the reasons and B) I had no right to be upset because I’m the one who walked away and fucked things up when you were finally free.

Here is what I know though: this new person doesn’t know you like I do. They don’t know half of what you have been through nor who you really are. They don’t know the precious gift they hold in their hands…and the things going on and being said already actually prove that. You know what I mean. I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve held on for three years just hoping for a chance to show you how much I truly loved you and wanted to be able to take care of you. I wanted to be able to hold you and touch you and tell you that you are perfect just the way you are. I wanted to tell you that you are beautiful and that your soul is a bright, shining star in my universe that has led me and kept me going for so long. I wanted to build something with you that would last and I think in a lot of ways that scared you too.

I’ve decided that I’m going to be okay with what you are doing with your life right now. Go ahead and have your fun. I’m back and I am not going anywhere and when you are ready to settle down and start moving towards all the dreams you ever wanted, with someone who values who you are and respects you for that, I will still be here. So when you flirtatiously told me that I really needed to write you something…we both know you didn’t mean like THIS, but here it is – the whole truth, nothing but the truth and totally honest. Not many people ever come into someone else’s life and tell them that they love them and will wait for them as long as it takes because their happiness is the most important thing in the world. I want you to be happy and I want you want me in your life because it is what YOU want … not what you need. I want to share your world, not a piece of you. I want to be the person who puts you first and takes good care of you. I want to give you the world and watch you grow into the amazing person that I know you are.  I know the things you want for your future and your life and I am prepared and able to give you all those things. All you have to do is make up your mind to be happy once and for all. In the time being, I’ll be here, waiting and not going anywhere. There…I wrote something just for you. Might not be what you expected but it was what I needed to say.

Jess

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New Humanitarian Blog

To all my loyal readers and fans, I’m pleased to announce that I am also blogging at another site right now. Butch Ramblings is and always will be the place that I connect with people and share my innermost feelings about living in the world as the person I am. Have no fear, it isn’t going anywhere.

That said, I’ve decided to start a more newsworthy site for things that touch the world and the people who live in it, from all walks of life. This blog will be about social/political/economic issues both here and abroad. Please, check it out at http://thehumanitarianblog.blogspot.com .

I don’t have a donation button up yet, but please keep in mind that the advertising on the blog is the only help I get financially. There is a lot of research going into those blogs, as I am sure that you will see. There are posts already scheduled for each day this week, thru Friday. I hope that you will take the time to check it out and possibly even subscribe!

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Dear Child, It Is A Mad World …

I have spent most of my life believing that everything happens for a reason, though not ever really applying it to my life in a way that made any difference. It has only been in the last few years that I have started to awake from a deep sleep.

Today, I want to unload some feelings that are very heavy and I have carried them around for a long, long time and I have never written about it or tried to tell it any detail. It’s time….

I was twenty-two when I met your mother. She was exciting and unlike anyone I had ever known. I was smitten with her from the first time I saw her and as I got to know her, as a friend. I gradually fell in love with her. In time, she and I were together but the situation soon became very complicated.

She awoke with a painful case of the shingles one morning. She asked me to drive her to the hospital because she was in so much pain. We went and she was eventually taken back to be seen. I sat in the waiting room for many hours, wondering what in the world was wrong that she needed to be there for so long. Eventually a guy came out from the back and told me, “She’s a little upset and hasn’t wanted to come out to see you…but she’ll be out soon, okay?”

My first thought was that something was seriously wrong and I was, of course, worried. He didn’t tell me what was going on. Eventually she came out and said, “Let’s go.” It wasn’t until we were outside, in that beat-up old VW Bus that had taken us on many excursions already, including the most amazing New Year’s Eve. As she put the key in the ignition, she didn’t look at me and blurted out, “I’m pregnant.” Then she just sat there, waiting for my response. I was not quite twenty-three years of age – just a little older than you are now – and I have no idea why I reacted the way I did … but I always saw you as a blessing. All I could do was smile.

Your mother said to me, “Are you shitting me? You’re HAPPY aren’t you??” At this point I started to laugh out loud.

I remember how I played with my shoe laces and didn’t really look at her, because I was summoning something up from deep inside me when I asked her a serious of questions. “Do you ever see yourself with another man?”

“No.”

“Then this might be your last chance to have a child. Do you want this baby?”

With tears in her eyes and a frog in her throat, “Yes.”

“Then it looks like we’re having a baby?”

It turned-out that when she had moved in with me, she had already been one month pregnant. The months that followed were strange, mad, somewhat insane and more beautiful than any other days of my life…

I was in love with your mom and nothing about her being pregnant changed that. In fact, I thought she was even more beautiful and I admired her strength and courage, as a woman. As her body changed, there were days that she was horrified at the things she saw going on in the mirror. Still, she had the same warped sense of humor then that she does now and I am sure that you grew-up with. For example, there was the time she screamed from the shower, “Dawn…DAWN! Come here!” I raced into the bathroom thinking something was wrong. No…she just wanted to show me that she could squirt me with breast milk from the shower.  I told you it was warped. It sent me running from the bathroom, squealing in disgust,  as she could be heard laughing through-out the apartment.

We conquered the beach all summer long, as her belly grew large. Once, while she floated on an inner tube and I floated along with her treading water, we found ourselves having drifted quite far out. In a very calm voice, your mother said to me, “Now…I do not want you to panic. I grew-up along the beach, so I am used to this … but I want you to very slowly look to your left and STOP splashing.” I looked and to my absolute horror, there was a shark circling us that was about six feet long. This Illinois farm girl was about to get up and walk like Jesus on the water. “Do you want to get up here on the inner tube with me?”

“Hell no. I’ll flip you out of it and then we’ll both be shark bait!”

“Well, then why don’t you just float up underneath the inner tube and we’ll let the tide take us in?” I did as she told me. We floated along for what seemed like forever. By the time we got halfway back to shore there were two – another smaller shark had joined in on the fun. I was never  so glad to get my feet on terra firma! Your mother sauntered along like it was just another day, well … at the beach. You had no choice to grow-up strong.

As the weeks passed by, we would lay in the floor of my apartment and I would lay my head on her stomach and talk to you. I could lay my hand on her stomach and you would move to wherever I rested my palm and kick and kick. You earned the nickname of “Thumper” before your name was chosen.

So many times, she would come to my door upset and just frustrated. I’d pull her in and calm her down. We would lay for hours and listen to music and talk. We talked about life, music, and most of all we talked about you. We talked about where you would go to school and we wondered what you would be like. We had hopes for you, as all parents do. At some point, your mom began working on a birth plan. She wrote and rewrote. She added, deleted and prepared a plan that would need to be bound because it was so detailed. I loved her spirit and admired her ability to take charge of any situation – even if it meant telling a doctor how to do their job. To this day, I probably find it to be one of her most endearing qualities … her fighting spirit. Your mother was never one to ‘go with the flow’ when she had other ideas. I’m guessing you probably know that by now?

When the day finally came for you to enter the world, we were all at the hospital. I never left your mom’s side for the entire twenty-three hours that she was in labor. The delivery was not easy on her and I cried for her pain many times. She refused to bring you into the world while she was on pain meds. She was bound and determined that you would be born naturally. Eighteen hours in, the doctor had other ideas. Eventually, she relented to the epidural because it was that or a C-section.

When your head crowned, I could see your little dark curls. You had a head full of hair already! asked your father, “Jim, she has your hair. Wanna see?”

His response was comical. He very somberly stated, “Some things are better left to women.”

The doctor asked me if I wanted to cut the cord and I was going to but at the last second she asked your mother to not push. I was shoulder to shoulder with the doctor at this point and I could see the reason. The cord was around your little neck, not once but twice. Once again, you were proving that you were already going to be doing things your way. The doctor prepared and apologized to me that she needed to act quickly. Your mother was told to push one last time and the doctor pulled you by the shoulders, slipped her thumb under that cord and unwound it twice, pulled you free and laid you on top of your mother’s belly … all in less than two seconds.

I was mesmerized instantly. A little china doll. That was all I could think. Your little eyes opened and you looked in my direction, probably because you recognized my voice when I cried, “She’s beautiful.” I think we were all in tears. Your mother was busy counting toes and fingers. Your father looked as though he was going to pass-out. I remember your mom saying, “Hello there … hello, Amelia.”

The months that followed were some of the most wonderful days of my life. When I looked at you, I saw your mother. You always had her eyes, from the moment you opened them the first time. You were part  of her and I always saw you as just another part of her that I loved. There was a rocking chair that your mom had found when she was pregnant. I had spent hours fixing it up, painting it and putting a new cushion on it so that there was a way to rock you when you were born. I learned two things about you in the hours that you and I spent alone. The first, you loved music and I could always sing to you and calm you. We had two special songs. I sang “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” to you and we had a special song from Cinderella that I would sing sometimes. Some of my favorite memories are of you laying your head on my shoulder and falling asleep. You were such a good baby.

When you were about five months old, I started carting you around the house in a Snuggli and you came with me to do laundry, mow the yard, mop the floor and vacuum. You and I road the city bus to go shopping at the mall to buy a surprise for your mom. We went to the park and fed ducks. You mother and I took you to the beach and you would sit in a little pool of water that she would rake the sand out of so the waves would keep you filled-up. You would sit and play for hours. That little unruly curl on top of your head would blow in the breeze and we would sit and watch you and just enjoy watching you discover your world.

There were rough mornings when you were up all night. We would stagger to the kitchen and wait for the  coffee maker. It was a Melita. I remember that coffee maker well because she was obsessed with how good it was and I often had to listen to her wax poetic about the absolute genius of a cone shaped filter. I remember being out of milk and creamer once, so we tried formula. You are not a ‘real’ parent until you have tried infant formula in your coffee. In case you are wondering – not good.

Your mother had never changed a diaper in her life and neither had your father. Sometimes, it took two people … like the time I heard the shriek from the bedroom. I walked in to find your mom shaking her head and saying, “There is no baby wipe in the world that is gonna handle this!” We decided to have one carry you, with diaper hanging, and just run to the bathroom, where one of us held you and the other hosed you off. It worked out just fine and from what I understand, you got used to things being a little like ‘the path less chosen’ your whole life? That’s good!

When I left St Pete, it was for a whole lot of reasons and the one thing I am sure of is that it wasn’t because of you. If there is one thing that I could tell you, it would be that you were never far from my thoughts in the last twenty years. I prayed for your safety and for your happiness. I haven’t held a baby in all these years that my heart didn’t ache for you and those days when I was so happy. To this day, I remember exactly how you smelled after a bath.

Many times I have searched the internet for your name, just to see how you were doing and if you were okay. I never would try to interfere with your life because you really never knew me, yet you have always been very much a part of me. I left a little of my soul in St Pete and I am so glad that I found your mother and she and I talk again. It has been an emotional roller coaster ride for me though … so many bitter sweet memories, feelings of jealousy for all the things I missed and knowing that it had to be the way that it was. Your mom beams with pride that I can literally feel over the phone. I hear about your accomplishments and stories about your childhood. While it is a hard pill to swallow for me, knowing that I wasn’t there, I find myself also very proud of you and also of your mother. She has changed a lot for the better. I think that was you. So I can’t do anything about the last twenty years, but I can do so much about tomorrow and I make my choices today. Just know that I never really left you behind because you BOTH always had my heart; it was with you both each and every day.  That is all I really want you to know.

 

Categories: lesbian, life lessons, love, Uncategorized | 6 Comments

IF YOU CARE, YOU WILL SHARE

You all know how I feel about the bullying issues. I was teased and made fun of for being fat. They didn’t even know I was gay to. I can’t imagine what that would have been like. This child suffers because someone else’s child has learned to hate and be a bully. Help pass Bailey O’Neill’s story along. Thanks ~ Jesse

NEVER BLEND IN

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This young man has lost his fight for life. Please, please do all you can to recognise signs of bullying and stop this from happening in your community. This is so very sad and it has to be stopped. Repost and show that you are a proactive anti-bullying voice of hope and compassion. Thank you. David E Watters

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2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

4,329 films were submitted to the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. This blog had 24,000 views in 2012. If each view were a film, this blog would power 6 Film Festivals

Click here to see the complete report.

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A Christmas Deal on Autographed Books

For a couple of weeks, you can order this special deal and get it shipped in time for Christmas! I am offering all four of the following books for one low price!

Released in July 2012

Released in July 2012

 

NEWTWISTEDCOVER

The original Butch Sexology.

The original Butch Sexology.

 

The brand new cover design for Butch Sexology 2.

The brand new cover design for Butch Sexology 2.

 

Get all four books for one special low price, all signed inside and get them in time for Christmas. Hurry time is running out!

Only $30 + 4.99 S&H and sales tax where applicable.

Sorry but this offer only good for USA and Canada

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Categories: Uncategorized | 3 Comments

What This Butch Is Into

Hey everyone!

I get asked a LOT of questions. Some of them get pretty personal sometimes. I’m a fairly open person ( more open than the woman I love would prefer me to be most of the time ) so I am going to try to sum it all up for you all. In the future when people ask me, I’ll just send them the link to this blog. 🙂

First of all, I’ll add most anyone as a friend on Facebook. The reason for this is NETWORKING. It’s called social networking! I am a writer and the easiest and cheapest way for me to market my books is by using Facebook and by doing this blog!

The downside to adding so many people, especially those who are already readers of my books, is that they can get pretty flirtatious and overly nosy. When someone requests that I add them and within 2 minutes I start getting messages from them that start off as “so what is your type of woman?”, I know I’m in trouble. I find myself caught between hurting someone’s feelings, having to block them if they don’t quit, or actually pissing them off. I’ve inadvertently done the latter. I don’t mean to.

You see, even though I write the type of books that I do, I’m a bit awkward in social situations and relationships and/or interactions with other people. I’m not good at it! Don’t believe me? Stick around a lil’ while and you’ll see! I’m just a person. I make mistakes and I’m socially awkward from time to time. I like people and I’m outgoing most of the time but I’m also very reclusive sometimes and keep a lot to myself.

So let me make this as clear as I can. First of all: I am not single. I realize that my status on Facebook says that I am single. That’s simply because I’m not at the place with the person that I’m seeing, to be able to make any declarations about status. SHE thinks that stuff is pretty stupid and I see her point. It puts me, however, in the position of constantly having to explain myself. SHE thinks it is no one’s business. Again, I see her point but I do feel like I owe people an explanation when I have 1700 ‘friends’ who are mostly fans, plus an additional 460 fans on a fan page and another 400 people on Twitter who follow me. You all deserve to know the truth, I think? Maybe it’s just that I’m tired of being asked?

The truth? You can’t handle the truth! (sorry, I just had to go there!) Seriously, Jack Nicholson jokes aside, I moved from another state to be where I am not because I love this woman. I made some mistakes and said things that hurt her feelings and dissolved much of her trust in me a few months ago. I’m lucky that she’s even talking to me at all and I realize this. She has made me want to be a better person.

Please, understand that I’ve heard others say this my whole life and it has made me smirk and be overly cynical but I finally get it now! I have never believed in soul mates but I’m beginning to wonder if she is mine … she’s made me grow and change in so many positive ways in just a few short months. She has no idea of the mission she has accomplished! I surely wonder if she’s an angel, at the very least. I know that she was placed in my life by God. I believe this with all my heart. I have a trust and a faith in our relationship that’s hard for me to explain. It doesn’t have to be anything. I don’t need a definition anymore. It is fine just being whatever it is and I see no reason not to just let it evolve however it is going to all by itself. I feel good about taking it slow right now.

Fact is, I love her. The things I feel for her make the things I felt for anyone before seem so insignificant and silly. I trust her, I know she’s there even when she isn’t physically there. So what I’m sexually into is really no one’s business. I’m just into her. That’s all you need to know. I write a LOT of things; loads of different scenarios. Have I lived them all? Done them all? Just dream about them? That’s for me to know and you all to wonder. 😉

I can tell you a few things I’m into:

Being faithful, growing as a person at all times, nerdy books and television shows, politics (please refer to ‘nerdy television shows), chocolate, walking barefoot on the beach, puppy breath, flowers, the simple things in life, fresh air, looking out over 120 acres of corn and remembering where I’m from, nature, warm cookies fresh from the oven, tree hugging, music, laughing babies, borrowing the children of my friends when I need to remember what the world looks like through their eyes, carnivals, bonfires with friends, fishing, the Steelers, eating hotdogs at the ballpark, laughing whenever possible, peace and quiet, the loyalty of an old dog, God (which probably should have been first but I didn’t wanna scare you into thinking this was a sermon), sunrises and sunsets, the mountains, foggy mornings, history, playing with bones – especially those of australopithecus aferensis (again refer to ‘nerdy books’ comment), photography, writing, doing things that make other people smile, driving, helping people when I can, enjoying good conversations with people, learning something new, and being very much in love with a woman that I really hope will be the last person I ever kiss.

Categories: erotica, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

You Were In My Dreams Last Night

Last night, in my dreams, I held your face in my hands. I enjoyed being close to you and looking into your dark hazel eyes that get darker when you’re mischievous. Your skin was soft in my hands and your cheeks were warm. I remember feeling that my own cheeks were sore from smiling at you.

I ran my fingers through your hair and whispered to you softly, “You’re the only woman I ever want to kiss; you’re the only one I ever want to wake-up next to for the rest of my life. I want a future with you.” I kissed you.

I kissed your forehead because I wanted you to feel safe. I kiss your lips when I feel selfish, because I love how soft they are. I love everything about you, things I never talk about it. Your arms are strong and I love them because they’re sexy to me. Your freckles are adorable and make me want to lay in bed with you and take the time to kiss each and every one of them, from the tip of your nose to the small of your back and right down to your knees and shins.

I held your hand in my dream last night. I felt the warmth and the softness of the back of your hands. I smiled at your short but well-kept nails that you conservatively keep clear. It’s indicative of you and your style and I find that it makes me warm and fuzzy from the deepest recesses of my heart and my soul. I have felt the palms of your hands and noted the rough spots. Don’t be self-conscious, I love the way your hands feel and I have so much respect and love for those places that I know you’ve developed over the years that you’ve spent becoming who you are today. They represent the work you do, the hobbies you’ve enjoyed, the yard work that you’ve done and the labor of love you put into your career. I admire those hands of yours and I’d spend the rest of my life holding them if you’d let me. When you touch me, I feel like I’ve received a powerful touch from my future and the one I’ll love the rest of my life. You move me, even in my dreams.

Your voice soothes me, stirs me and moves me in ways that you cannot see. When I’m on the other end of the phone and I get your texts, my face lights up and my heart smiles. I feel a happiness and a resolve in my life now that I never had before. So many things in my world are better and continue to get better each and every day. I believe that my karmic debt has been paid; I’ve truly moved on and I’m free to enjoy my future now. I want you to be a part of that future. I want you. In my dream I whispered this to you over and over in your ear.

I fall in love with you more every day, even when we don’t talk. I fall in love with you more and more every time I hear you chuckle on the phone, or breathe a sigh because you are tired. I’m in love with your smile, your heart and  your soul. I’m in love with the way you wrinkle your nose and the way you talk and talk when we haven’t seen each other in more than a week. I used to think I talked a lot. You make my heart giggle. I adore you. I love you so much. I truly do.

I just wanted to tell you that you were in my dreams last night.

Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 13 Comments

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