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Posts Tagged With: dreams

Growing Old Is Getting Old

 

It has been a wild ride, these last 50+ years. This winter, the shoulder pain has been tougher than ever. CBD oil helps immensely though!. If you’ve not tried it, I highly recommend it. The oil helps my ADD and pain. I also recommend turmeric with curcumin. That stuff is an amazing natural anti-inflammatory and scientists agree that it has benefits and warrants more research. It works wonders for arthritis and joint pains from injury. Aches and pains are just there to remind us of the fun we’ve had I suppose, but growing old really does get old some days!

It’s good to be back here in a space I have always held so near to my heart. Butch Ramblings was my healing journey and my happiness. Ramblings was my home for a long time. I blogged my way through isolation, heartache, stupidity, growing pains and more. Someone once said to me that it was’ time I settled down and put down roots somewhere.’ That life isn’t meant for everyone. It isn’t meant for me. I’m an adventurer.

Don’t let people tell you what to do. You do what is best for yourself and you’ll always be fine. Trust me on that. These are my roots right here. This is my legacy. This website will be around long after I am gone. Hopefully that won’t be for a little while yet. On the other hand, if it happens tomorrow, I’m prepared. I’ve lived a good life and I’ve come to terms with most of the lessons I have learned along this path. I’ve had ups and I have had downs.

I’ve had many sleepless nights. I’ve had other nights where I have slept like a log. I have awakened with clarity over things I had been worried about. I’ve ruminated over a decision for far too long. I have still made the wrong choice. In fact, I’ve made a lot of bad choices. I’ve also made some pretty damned great choices. The universe is awesome that way because there is balance in everything we do. The wisdom that we receive, once we are open to it, is pretty amazing.

I have heard people whine about losing their trust of others. I’ve seen people place blame on everyone else in their life for all the messed up shit they have been neck deep in for years. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and realize that you’ve been an asshole to everyone around you and that’s why nobody sticks around. At some point you choose to trust or not to. You either get tired of living a life that is an empty shell or you get down in it and get dirty. Bathe in the mud!

I’m a mud bather. I admit it. If shit gets deep, I’ll swim out into it a little further just to see how deep it will get. I figure once I have some mud on my boots I may as well get really dirty. I take chances on people. I walk away from people fast too. Things that will get me to walk away fast are people who become passive aggressive. People who don’t know when to shut up or respect my space drive me cuckoo too. People who, in every single conversation, relive the past and place blame on other people constantly. That gets old really, really fast. At some point, stop being a victim in your own novel. Choose to be the hero.

That’s all of my deep thoughts for now. I’ll move on to reality. I am living with a friend who is letting me use her place as a staging area before I make a big move that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet. While here, I’m trying to help her as much as possible. She’s getting older and her house has been falling into disarray for the last few years. She broke her back and has had difficulty with mundane tasks. My goal is to do some work, help her put into place some things/processes that will make it easier for her to function, and make sure that she has what she needs to survive. Right now we are in the middle of showering her with Christmas gifts, thanks to so many Facebook friends! I’m so blessed to have really good, caring individuals that I’ve met there and I choose to keep them around in my life! Such GOOD we get accomplished as a tribe! Love and kindness really do go a long way in keeping people in your life.

I have plans to do some wildlife photography soon, while I still can. I’m writing again, while I still can. Last year I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. In other words, the capillaries in the backs of my eyes have been bleeding. It clouds the vision over time. It has slowed drastically with my blood sugar more under control but the odds of me going blind in time are very high. My eyesight is not what it used to be and I have issues already. I miss little typos here and there. The doctors at the Kittner Eye Institue in Chapel Hill, NC,  also noticed that I have a cataract on my left eye. It isn’t really operable and it is from scar tissue, likely from blunt force trauma. Apparently, according to them, I’ve had it my whole life since infancy. It is very old and that explains a lot about my sensitivity to light. Lasting effects from childhood abuse I presume but don’t really know for sure. At any rate, my vision is an issue but I don’t intend to let it stop me. When the time comes, I’ll see about voice recognition software and dictate.

I’ve been playing guitar again over this last year. I promised myself that I’d do something for myself, personally enriching, for my 50th year on the planet. I’m having the time of my life with it. I used to noodle around with some chords a long time ago. I’ve picked guitars up and put them down a dozen times over the years. I never really got enthusiastically involved in practice and learning because I never really knew exactly where to start. Fender Play got me down the right path. Technology is so advanced these days that there are lessons online everywhere and I’m really absorbing them. I love it! Best thing I’ve ever done was to pick it up again.

I have plans to begin submitting articles, with wildlife and outdoor themes, to some magazines in the outdoor genre. I have lost a lot of weight in the last year and gained a little winter weight back but I’m on an indoor bike trainer that I was able to plop my Fuji mountain bike on so I am hoping to get that weight right back off plus some more. My mental state is free and easy these days. I’m not running from anything or to anything. I just AM. It’s a great place to be! I’m living life for me. I spread a little joy here and there and just work on being the best me that I can be. If everyone else did that, the world would be such a better place! Don’t you all agree?

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Categories: ADHD, aging, child abuse, death, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Run Down Your Dreams!!

“There’s something good waitin’ down this road. I’m picking up whatever is mine.”

 

 

 

 

I get a lot of people telling me that they think my life is enviable. I don’t know if I’d go that far. It isn’t easy being out here and not ever really knowing exactly where is home. Each day brings some new challenge, or just being bored. Seems like it’s one thing or the other.

 

Silence, I don’t get enough of it. People are loud. Sitting in a truck stop and trying to work as writer is damn near impossible. My nerves are so frazzled from day to day that I’d just like to find a dark corner and hide in it half the time. I’m aggravated today, though I cannot say that it has been a bad day. I’m under pressure to get home. I want to get home. To me, home is Illinois. Home is where my heart is in so many ways.

 

It’s true, I don’t let much hold me back and when I’m ready to go, I am used to just going. For the last three months I have been more “stuck” than I have ever been. First I had an oil leak to contend with. Nothing was going to stop me though. I did a repair myself that would have probably cost $600 anywhere else. I spent about $40 to fix it. I’m a very determined person when I get something in my head. Yes, you can call it stubborn if you want, but it has served me very well over the years. Don’t tell me I can’t do something because I swear to you that I will prove you wrong.

 

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Now, my next issue to tackle is tires. I have tires that are in scary shape. I can’t find any used ones where I am at. I’m scared to drive any further without them and I’m not in the position right this minute to get new ones. In a couple of weeks I might be. I am trying to work all I can. My fingers actually hurt from typing. I’m spending more than I want to, at a truck stop, just to eat every day. If there was a store close, I would shop and be able to eat cheaper. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place and it makes me a little crazy. I don’t like being forced into situations and not having the ability to just leave. Last night I went to bed a little sorrowful. I try to keep my chin up, but the loneliness is more than you can imagine.

 

My conversations are typed back and forth with people so very far away. My human interactions are limited to the people who are strangers that I strike up a conversation with here and there. I feel isolated from the ones I care about and want to see. My sleep has been fitful as I’ve had so much on my mind. I just want to be somewhere that I don’t feel on guard and I can relax. I’m tired. Eventually I did drift off into dreams and first thing this morning I got the sweetest email from the one I want to see the most. She told me I was amazing. Perfect timing. When I was feeling the most defective and the most worn down by the world, she reached out and reminded me that I wasn’t. She started my day off perfectly. I miss her. I need her hugs right now.

 

Even though I am tired and I am weary, I truly wouldn’t trade a moment of my life over the past few years. Everything has been a lesson learned and a trial that has taught just how strong I can truly be. This is just one more trial. I’ll survive and maybe I’ll learn some patience as I go? When it comes to having dreams, I truly believe that they don’t fall in your lap. Don’t be afraid to run down your dreams and pick up whatever is yours. Even though I’m a little down today, I’m heading down the road soon, running down my dreams and pickin’ up whatever is mine.

 

 

Categories: lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , | 2 Comments

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