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Posts Tagged With: friends

Growing Old Is Getting Old

 

It has been a wild ride, these last 50+ years. This winter, the shoulder pain has been tougher than ever. CBD oil helps immensely though!. If you’ve not tried it, I highly recommend it. The oil helps my ADD and pain. I also recommend turmeric with curcumin. That stuff is an amazing natural anti-inflammatory and scientists agree that it has benefits and warrants more research. It works wonders for arthritis and joint pains from injury. Aches and pains are just there to remind us of the fun we’ve had I suppose, but growing old really does get old some days!

It’s good to be back here in a space I have always held so near to my heart. Butch Ramblings was my healing journey and my happiness. Ramblings was my home for a long time. I blogged my way through isolation, heartache, stupidity, growing pains and more. Someone once said to me that it was’ time I settled down and put down roots somewhere.’ That life isn’t meant for everyone. It isn’t meant for me. I’m an adventurer.

Don’t let people tell you what to do. You do what is best for yourself and you’ll always be fine. Trust me on that. These are my roots right here. This is my legacy. This website will be around long after I am gone. Hopefully that won’t be for a little while yet. On the other hand, if it happens tomorrow, I’m prepared. I’ve lived a good life and I’ve come to terms with most of the lessons I have learned along this path. I’ve had ups and I have had downs.

I’ve had many sleepless nights. I’ve had other nights where I have slept like a log. I have awakened with clarity over things I had been worried about. I’ve ruminated over a decision for far too long. I have still made the wrong choice. In fact, I’ve made a lot of bad choices. I’ve also made some pretty damned great choices. The universe is awesome that way because there is balance in everything we do. The wisdom that we receive, once we are open to it, is pretty amazing.

I have heard people whine about losing their trust of others. I’ve seen people place blame on everyone else in their life for all the messed up shit they have been neck deep in for years. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and realize that you’ve been an asshole to everyone around you and that’s why nobody sticks around. At some point you choose to trust or not to. You either get tired of living a life that is an empty shell or you get down in it and get dirty. Bathe in the mud!

I’m a mud bather. I admit it. If shit gets deep, I’ll swim out into it a little further just to see how deep it will get. I figure once I have some mud on my boots I may as well get really dirty. I take chances on people. I walk away from people fast too. Things that will get me to walk away fast are people who become passive aggressive. People who don’t know when to shut up or respect my space drive me cuckoo too. People who, in every single conversation, relive the past and place blame on other people constantly. That gets old really, really fast. At some point, stop being a victim in your own novel. Choose to be the hero.

That’s all of my deep thoughts for now. I’ll move on to reality. I am living with a friend who is letting me use her place as a staging area before I make a big move that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet. While here, I’m trying to help her as much as possible. She’s getting older and her house has been falling into disarray for the last few years. She broke her back and has had difficulty with mundane tasks. My goal is to do some work, help her put into place some things/processes that will make it easier for her to function, and make sure that she has what she needs to survive. Right now we are in the middle of showering her with Christmas gifts, thanks to so many Facebook friends! I’m so blessed to have really good, caring individuals that I’ve met there and I choose to keep them around in my life! Such GOOD we get accomplished as a tribe! Love and kindness really do go a long way in keeping people in your life.

I have plans to do some wildlife photography soon, while I still can. I’m writing again, while I still can. Last year I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. In other words, the capillaries in the backs of my eyes have been bleeding. It clouds the vision over time. It has slowed drastically with my blood sugar more under control but the odds of me going blind in time are very high. My eyesight is not what it used to be and I have issues already. I miss little typos here and there. The doctors at the Kittner Eye Institue in Chapel Hill, NC,  also noticed that I have a cataract on my left eye. It isn’t really operable and it is from scar tissue, likely from blunt force trauma. Apparently, according to them, I’ve had it my whole life since infancy. It is very old and that explains a lot about my sensitivity to light. Lasting effects from childhood abuse I presume but don’t really know for sure. At any rate, my vision is an issue but I don’t intend to let it stop me. When the time comes, I’ll see about voice recognition software and dictate.

I’ve been playing guitar again over this last year. I promised myself that I’d do something for myself, personally enriching, for my 50th year on the planet. I’m having the time of my life with it. I used to noodle around with some chords a long time ago. I’ve picked guitars up and put them down a dozen times over the years. I never really got enthusiastically involved in practice and learning because I never really knew exactly where to start. Fender Play got me down the right path. Technology is so advanced these days that there are lessons online everywhere and I’m really absorbing them. I love it! Best thing I’ve ever done was to pick it up again.

I have plans to begin submitting articles, with wildlife and outdoor themes, to some magazines in the outdoor genre. I have lost a lot of weight in the last year and gained a little winter weight back but I’m on an indoor bike trainer that I was able to plop my Fuji mountain bike on so I am hoping to get that weight right back off plus some more. My mental state is free and easy these days. I’m not running from anything or to anything. I just AM. It’s a great place to be! I’m living life for me. I spread a little joy here and there and just work on being the best me that I can be. If everyone else did that, the world would be such a better place! Don’t you all agree?

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Categories: ADHD, aging, child abuse, death, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Finding Redemption

 

None But Ourselves Can Free Our Minds ….

What a truly awful and challenging couple of weeks. Last week I lost my dog of 13 years. I absolutely do not want to talk about it. It was devastating to me. He was my best friend…in many ways, he was my only friend. For 13 years he rode shotgun, licked my tears away and never failed to wiggle his Australian Shepherd behind for me. When I was highly depressed, in the early years, he acted as my service dog. Captain was his call name. He had a fancy paper name…but we never cared about that. To me, he was “The Captain of My Heart” and I’m pretty sure it will be a long, long time before i can bring myself to have another dog…if ever.

Born February 12th, 2000 – Captain visited many hospitals, nursing homes and rarely passed a child without giving them a lick. He was a lover of cats, puppies, children, he let a parakeet sit on his head, a monkey sit on his back once; he even made friends with a pet skunk. The dog simply was a lover, not a fighter. I miss you buddy. You have touched my life forever and will never ever be forgotten. He graces the cover a short little book, “My Dog Taught Me Everything I Know,” that he inspired me to write. It’s just a little motivator. Any money from it has always gone to help other dogs in need. I pledge the money to dogs who need surgeries, donate it to the local shelters and I will never ever keep a dime of it.

Totally posing for me. I could leave him in the middle of Petsmart in a down-stay and come back and get him in 30 minutes. He wouldn't budge.

Totally posing for me. I could leave him in the middle of PetsMart in a down-stay and come back and get him in 30 minutes. He wouldn’t budge.

 

We Got To Fulfill the Book

A woman I knew and loved over twenty years ago popped up on my screen with “How the hell are you??” about a week ago. I’d looked for her many times. Always wondered about her and worried. There’s more to that story that I’m not prepared to talk about publicly yet too. We’ve talked a whole lot in the past few days and I’m glad she’s been around. The song above was her way of attempting to cheer me up today. She told me to listen to it over and over.

I think she and I have had similar lessons from life, yet traveled very different paths. I always considered her a wealth of information and she still is. That has been a bright spot for me recently…yet, very emotional at the same time. It’s been a “good emotional experience” but draining.  I’m glad she’s back in my world though…I think it’s a little brighter to have a friend that remembers who I used to be. It feels like my world is coming full circle in so many ways. I’m not unhappy at the place I am at. Not at all.

Yet, today I found out something that has me feeling completely devastated – on top of everything else. The person I find myself currently involved with has presented me with some very interesting and heavy challenges. I don’t know how I am going to work through this. I truly don’t. I found myself in the shower this evening, crying my eyes out and asking God what I was doing wrong. OBVIOUSLY I am doing something wrong. I mean…I’ve dated a woman who was co-owner of a dental clinic, a dental hygienist AND a dentist in the last 4 years….and I still need dental work done! Obviously, I am doing SOMETHING wrong!! (my sarcasm NEVER fails me)

She and I are now attempting to figure out something that I don’t know CAN be figured out. I want to! I want to waive a magic wand and make it all better…but this isn’t going to resolve itself. I can’t resolve it for her either. She has to do this on her own and all I can do is tell her that I’m here when she decides what she wants to do. Like Motel 6, I can leave the light on – and that’s about all I can do for her. It’s frustrating, heartbreaking and I am tired of crying! Everyone who walks by me looks at me, then quickly looks away because no one wants to deal with someone else in tears.

It’s too cold outside to sleep in the RV, so I’ve been holed-up inside the truck stop; reduced to hiding in a far corner booth and sleeping with my head on a table. Luckily, I am not the only one. A lot of truckers don’t want to waste their fuel running heat either…so they are in here with me and I”m just doing what I’ve done my whole life – blending in. The down side is that I am not sleeping much and I am purely exhausted and attempting to deal with all this stuff on zero sleep. I’ve slept 2-4 hours in the last 36 hours. I’m falling asleep while sitting up, trying to finish this.

I’m reaching my breaking point. Don’t know how much more I can put up with and what my limits actually are…but I know I am getting close. I never ask you all for this…but right now, pray for me. If you don’t pray, think if me and send me some of your energy because I could use the strength and some guidance. Thanks to Ellen, Sheila and Toby for helping by listening today. Thanks to Chris, Deborah, Luise, Marie, Molly and Doreen for all offering support, their phone numbers, showers and whatever else they could think of. Special thanks to Luise and Jo B. for helping me to be able to leave FL safely. You all have been well above and beyond anything that I could ever ask for or expect. Sheila, thanks for making sure I could get my RV back when it was towed. What would I do without all you wonderful people!? I really love you all. I know that I am blessed with wonderful people who care about me, as well as follow everything I do. Thank-you, from the bottom of my heart. Also, thanks to the rest of you. Sorry I couldn’t mention you all by name. It would be a very long blog! I appreciate you too – even if you don’t see your name here. I promise I don’t forget you.

 

 

Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | 9 Comments

Surviving Life – Christmas Blessings and Miracles

I survived

This is dedicated to a very special lady. This is her story and mine. It’s a tale with a twist. It started with an ending before a new beginning… 

It never ceases to fill me with wonder at the way that things work-out in life. I want to talk a bit today about things that I’m feeling. Don’t I always?

My fans write to me and thank me for letting them in. I found it curious that the last person I dated told me over and over that I didn’t let her in. Sometimes I found myself wondering what on earth more I could have told her or shared with her? Then I realize that some things are not meant to be and no amount of trying to figure it out, when it is over, is going to ever really help.

We often pray to God, or ask the Universe or “Cupid” to help us get the one that we have our sights on. We get brokenhearted when it doesn’t work and fool ourselves into thinking that it is the end of the world. The real truth is that those endings bring us new beginnings and we must be open to them or else we’ll miss them.

Sometimes if we are VERY lucky, we may get a second chance at something that we let pass us by. I believe that a second chance has come to me from my past because I wasn’t ready for her and I needed to learn some other things first. Now I believe that I can be there for her.

For a short spell, when I broke things off with the woman who always chose to remain nameless in my world, I felt guilty. I was ready to move on almost immediately. I’m kind of like that. It isn’t because I didn’t ever love the people in my past, it’s just that when I have finally reached the point to say good-bye to them, it’s because I have been slowly transitioning there for a long time. So while I feel bad for her, because I know that I did hurt her feelings and it blind-sided her when it shouldn’t have, I am moving on with my life. Why? That is what a survivor does!

As fate would have it, I was messaged a few weeks before Thanksgiving by “DJ.” I hadn’t heard from her in about two years. Let’s go back in time. I was living back in my hometown. A friend on my Facebook wall said I should talk to this girl, she was married to another woman but from the area and could probably show me around and introduce me to people. Next thing I knew, DJ sent a friend request and we talked. We talked and talked and talked. It came out that she was indeed married and not happy. Her girlfriend was over the top crazy, mean and abusive.

I consider myself a ‘gentleman’ – an old school butch. I don’t mess with anyone else’s woman, especially their wife. Still, this girl was in a lot of trouble and really needed a friend. I have never turned my back on anyone in need. I don’t see me ever doing so.

One night, while talking to me via instant messaging on her computer, DJ says to me that she’s being attacked (I knew by who) and suddenly she was offline. By this time, we were talking as if we had something to hide, even though we had not done a thing. It was sort of happening, even though we both fought it tooth and nail. We had never done anything out of line, but we’d both been developing feelings for each other. It was, at this point, harmless crushes.

As you can imagine, I was freaking out and didn’t know what on earth to do. I was miles and miles away – an hour drive. I did what I knew was risky, I called the apartment phone number. It rang busy … fast busy. Something was wrong. I didn’t know the exact address, so I couldn’t call cops. I waited and I worried. 

FINALLY! A day or two later, DJ showed up on Facebook, posting photos of her destroyed laptop. Her ‘wife’ had yanked it away from her, for talking to me, and destroyed it on the floor. Now … I want to STRESS that we were not flirting, we had not done ANYTHING. We were only friends and I was there to listen to her. She was terrified of this woman she lived with. We chatted by phone now, off and on, when she could. I knew where she worked and though it was a long drive, I drove by on occasion to say hello and check in on her. She was afraid to talk to me. I was not interfering with her work and her boss didn’t care….but her wife and her wife’s family were actually watching her. They would sit with binoculars and keep tabs on her all night while she was at work. I started to wonder what in the hell I had gotten into, but still … I cared and I wanted to help her. Suddenly, one day I found myself deleted from her friends list. I knew that DJ didn’t do this. I tried to call her and the phone just rang and rang and went to voice mail. I tried a few times. Finally, I called the apartment. Her wife answered the phone. “Be cool,” I told myself. After all, I was not sleeping with DJ, I had never even kissed her or touched her in any way. I was only her friend. Just because this crazed woman thought there was more to it, that was her problem. “Is DJ there?” I asked.

“No. Who is this?” came the response.

“Just a friend. Do you know when she’ll be home?”

“No. I think she’s at the neighbor’s place. Who is this? Can I take a message??”

“Thanks!” – I hung up.

I got in my car and I drove the 50 minutes to get to her apartment. I drove by. DJ’s truck was there and so was the wife’s car. I couldn’t knock on the door with the wife there. What would I do? I had no idea. I drove past the apartments to the end of the street, went around the block and turned the corner. When I did, I glanced to my left and swore I saw DJ on the balcony at the neighbor’s upstairs apartment, which was across the street from her place. I turned my car around and I honked the horn and leaned out the window. Her face lit up and she said “What are YOU doing here?”

“Checking on you. You aren’t answering your phone and I’m not on your friend list anymore.”

“Ugh. Yeah, ***** did that. My phone is in pieces too.”

Right about that time, the stalker wife comes out into the middle of the road and starts waving her arms in the air, shouting, “Really, DJ? REALLY?” Obviously in a huff that she was talking to me at my car window.

DJ to me, “You wanna park your car and come up and sit with me and Leo? We’re having a few beers while she cools off over there.”

I parked and got out. The wife was still screaming and carrying on across the street. We ignored her. It seemed best. “Did she really destroy your phone too?” I just couldn’t believe this.

“Oh yeah, it’s in little pieces. Like my laptop and the home phone.”

We drank a few drinks with Leo. He was  a nice guy. When DJ disappeared to use the restroom once, he told me she was a nice girl and deserved someone better than the psycho across the street that she lived with. He’s seen a lot of things happening over there.

A little while later, as it had turned dark and we were just talking and laughing, trying to make the most out of a bad situation, suddenly the door across the street flew open. DJ’s possessions started flying out onto the sidewalk. The ‘wifey’ was going nuts. It appeared to me, at that time, that this woman was sincerely nuts. Now DJ gets up and runs across the street and it turns into a full blown scene.

I didn’t get in the middle of it, though I would have if I felt like she needed me. I watched DJ clock her wife’s male cousin right in the nose for helping to throw her stuff out. Apparently he had shown up while we were enjoying our conversation with Leo. She punched him right square in the nose, full force. I was proud of that little Army brat right at that moment. It showed me that she was feisty for sure!

She had been in the reserves, so it wasn’t like she was a weakling. She’s about 5’7, but only about 120 pounds. Her wife was shorter but built like a linebacker – typical butch chic. The male cousin made no attempt to hit her back, but he called the cops. He tried to charge her with assault. Great. Now it was a real scene. I stayed out of it and watched from across the street. I really couldn’t afford any trouble.

When all was said and done, about an hour later, the wife, advised to do so by the cops, left to go spend the night at the cousin’s place. DJ didn’t get in any trouble because the officer said she had a right to tell him to get out of her home and protect herself and her belongings. He had no right there. When the police left, I was still across the street and DJ had locked herself in her apartment. I knew she was upset.

I walked across the street and  I gently tapped on the door until she came and opened it. I stepped one foot inside the door and she fell into my arms. She cried on my shoulder. I held her for what seemed like forever. She said to me, “Now you know my secret. My dirty little secret that I didn’t want you to know. Even my family doesn’t know. I live with an addict. She drinks and she does drugs. She spends all our money on drugs and this is my life.” She sobbed on my shoulder and I wanted to steal her away to another world, another place.

I did nothing more than hold her and help her carry her things back in that night. A few days later, I showed up with a friend and a van and I BEGGED her to leave with us. “Come on, you don’t have to come to my place. I will take you anywhere you want to go….to your dad’s place…anywhere but here.” I begged for over an hour. She wouldn’t go, but she had a hoodie pulled up over her hair. It had all been shaved off and it wasn’t exactly a nice haircut. “Did she do that to you?”

She nodded without looking up or looking me in the eyes. She was like a dog that was afraid to make eye contact….so beaten down. “She said now no one else would want me.”

No matter how I begged, she just wasn’t ready and wouldn’t leave. She was so terrified. I had tears in my eyes again. Her eyes looked so hopeless and so sad. I hugged her and I held her again for a few minutes, because I really did understand. She was terrified and brainwashed to believe that she couldn’t get away.

A few days later, I went to a dollar store and I bought a cheap cell phone. I drove by her job, after hiding the phone and the charger in a Styrofoam cup from a convenience store, and I handed the cup to her. I said, “It’s not a drink, it’s a phone. You hide it. Keep it on silent. Don’t let her know you have it. In an emergency, you can call for help now.” I drove away. A few minutes later I got a text, “I am not sure which is crazier…you bought me a cell phone…or that you gave it to me in a cup?” I smiled and drove home. That was a Thursday.

That weekend, Sunday night, I received a text message from her, “Can u call me right now please!”

I called her. She was hysterical. **** had gone out and gotten too drunk to drive home. DJ had become the designated driver to get her home. DJ was driving when the wife started punching her. God only knows what was said or what they were fighting about, but DJ told me that I needed to come get her right away. She had stopped the car and kicked her wife until she had gotten out of the car. DJ had sped away, leaving her on the side of the road drunk. She was now at their apartment and scared to death. “When she gets back here…I’m dead. She will have her cousin come get her and then they will come straight here.” She sounded completely terrified.

I drove to meet her at a convenience store. She was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, pulled way up past her face. I walked up to her and ripped it back. Her eye was swollen shut and black. Again, I had tears in my eyes. She got back to my place with me that night. I gave her a cold washcloth for her face and some ibuprofen. I tried to get her to sleep in my bed and I offered to sleep on the couch. She wouldn’t move and would let me move either. She had a grip on me. I could tell she was honestly terrified. She slept on top of me, on the sofa, all night. The next morning, she told me she had to go to work and she was going to take care of some things.

Within a few days, we had her moved into her parent’s home. I helped her pack things into her car and my car and got it all to her mom and dad’s house. Things were very hard for her every step of the way. Her wife sold her truck without her permission. The state called it ‘community property’ because they were legally married and deemed the sale legal.

She got trespass warrants and more. The ex walked right through them. She violated the writ within the first week by calling DJ. The harassment continued. DJ and I continued to talk. One night, she met me at a StarBucks and we had coffee. We talked for hours and I held her hand. She showed up in the sexiest dress I have ever seen a woman wear for coffee. It was well after dark when I finally walked her to her car. We kissed for the first time, there in that parking lot. I remember it like it was yesterday.  Beyond the shadow of a doubt, it was a kiss that is second only to the very first kiss of my life – only because you never really forget your first kiss. This kiss was electric. It was meant to be, as if we were both right where we were supposed to be in that one moment of time. Looking back on it, I remember every detail of that night as if I was living in a fairy tale.

Then it happened, without warning …. she started seeing that woman again. She felt sorry for her abuser. Slowly but surely, she opened the door and let her right back into her life. I have read about this behavior. It’s common but I couldn’t take it. I just couldn’t take it. I didn’t react very well at all. I was hurt, angry and I let it show, I admit it.

DJ, also being temperamental (remember she’s feisty?), didn’t take my temper very well and words were exchanged. The words that stung me  like no others were, “****** owns my heart and nothing is going to change that!” I was done right then and there. I had to be. I still cared and it all hurt me very much, but I had to move on because I was going to be hurt more if I stuck around. I could see it coming.

I made a difficult decision; I walked away and I left her behind while I traveled to Missouri and then on to Florida the following year, to try my luck with the woman down here. We never really fully connected and something was always lacking for me. You know what I mean? Some relationships are just okay…but that spark…that thing…is just missing.

A few weeks before Thanksgiving, DJ found me. We talked, just out of the clear blue. She told me about going to school now, how her life had moved on, how she was free and finding herself again. I made it clear I was seeing someone, out of respect for that person. I didn’t tell DJ that I was really very unhappy. Then, the Tuesday before Thanksgiving, ‘she who remains nameless’ said something so stupid to me that I just couldn’t take anymore of her naivete’. I told her I really didn’t have any desire to see her anymore. It felt good to be basically free again. I mentioned it here and there, because that’s me; I’m pretty public.

Three days later, DJ contacted me again. She made it pretty clear that the door was still open between her and I. I suppose it was all very unresolved the way it ended before, and it shouldn’t shock me that I’d still have feelings for her? We’ve emailed back and forth several times. I can tell that she’s changed a lot. She’s different and it shows. She’s more upbeat and positive.

She’s also made more of an attempt to tell me how she feels. She told me she’s scared. She doesn’t trust easily. She is still dealing with some harassment from the ex but hasn’t lived with her in a year. She told me how much she regretted not leaving that day with me when I brought a friend and a van. She told me how abandoned she felt when I wasn’t there anymore and how much more crap she had to endure after that. This made me feel truly awful.

I really want her to know that I admire her. I want her to know that I really ‘get it’ all and I understand what she went through and how she still suffers. She lived through some of the worst things being done to her that a human being can endure. She lost her freedom, she was a prisoner, she was brutalized and emotionally damaged. She’s fought ten times harder to have her life back than most people ever have to fight for anything. She’s a good woman and she’s winning her fight. I understand her needs and I know how fragile she is, but I also know how strong she can be too. I cherish her for all that she is. I want to celebrate her accomplishments and raise her up now …. never to bring her down.

Today, I’m thankful that what I wanted here in FL didn’t work out, because maybe that closed door allows room for this one to be opened again? Maybe unanswered prayers are much more of a blessing than any of us ever realizes? Who knows? I can’t predict what tomorrow will bring, but I’m very happy to have DJ back in my life and I just hope that she realizes what it means to me and how special she has always been to me. I am not certain why she’s back in my life, but I choose not to question it. This is me, surviving life. Isn’t this what we all do?

Categories: abuse, equal rights, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

What This Butch Is Into

Hey everyone!

I get asked a LOT of questions. Some of them get pretty personal sometimes. I’m a fairly open person ( more open than the woman I love would prefer me to be most of the time ) so I am going to try to sum it all up for you all. In the future when people ask me, I’ll just send them the link to this blog. 🙂

First of all, I’ll add most anyone as a friend on Facebook. The reason for this is NETWORKING. It’s called social networking! I am a writer and the easiest and cheapest way for me to market my books is by using Facebook and by doing this blog!

The downside to adding so many people, especially those who are already readers of my books, is that they can get pretty flirtatious and overly nosy. When someone requests that I add them and within 2 minutes I start getting messages from them that start off as “so what is your type of woman?”, I know I’m in trouble. I find myself caught between hurting someone’s feelings, having to block them if they don’t quit, or actually pissing them off. I’ve inadvertently done the latter. I don’t mean to.

You see, even though I write the type of books that I do, I’m a bit awkward in social situations and relationships and/or interactions with other people. I’m not good at it! Don’t believe me? Stick around a lil’ while and you’ll see! I’m just a person. I make mistakes and I’m socially awkward from time to time. I like people and I’m outgoing most of the time but I’m also very reclusive sometimes and keep a lot to myself.

So let me make this as clear as I can. First of all: I am not single. I realize that my status on Facebook says that I am single. That’s simply because I’m not at the place with the person that I’m seeing, to be able to make any declarations about status. SHE thinks that stuff is pretty stupid and I see her point. It puts me, however, in the position of constantly having to explain myself. SHE thinks it is no one’s business. Again, I see her point but I do feel like I owe people an explanation when I have 1700 ‘friends’ who are mostly fans, plus an additional 460 fans on a fan page and another 400 people on Twitter who follow me. You all deserve to know the truth, I think? Maybe it’s just that I’m tired of being asked?

The truth? You can’t handle the truth! (sorry, I just had to go there!) Seriously, Jack Nicholson jokes aside, I moved from another state to be where I am not because I love this woman. I made some mistakes and said things that hurt her feelings and dissolved much of her trust in me a few months ago. I’m lucky that she’s even talking to me at all and I realize this. She has made me want to be a better person.

Please, understand that I’ve heard others say this my whole life and it has made me smirk and be overly cynical but I finally get it now! I have never believed in soul mates but I’m beginning to wonder if she is mine … she’s made me grow and change in so many positive ways in just a few short months. She has no idea of the mission she has accomplished! I surely wonder if she’s an angel, at the very least. I know that she was placed in my life by God. I believe this with all my heart. I have a trust and a faith in our relationship that’s hard for me to explain. It doesn’t have to be anything. I don’t need a definition anymore. It is fine just being whatever it is and I see no reason not to just let it evolve however it is going to all by itself. I feel good about taking it slow right now.

Fact is, I love her. The things I feel for her make the things I felt for anyone before seem so insignificant and silly. I trust her, I know she’s there even when she isn’t physically there. So what I’m sexually into is really no one’s business. I’m just into her. That’s all you need to know. I write a LOT of things; loads of different scenarios. Have I lived them all? Done them all? Just dream about them? That’s for me to know and you all to wonder. 😉

I can tell you a few things I’m into:

Being faithful, growing as a person at all times, nerdy books and television shows, politics (please refer to ‘nerdy television shows), chocolate, walking barefoot on the beach, puppy breath, flowers, the simple things in life, fresh air, looking out over 120 acres of corn and remembering where I’m from, nature, warm cookies fresh from the oven, tree hugging, music, laughing babies, borrowing the children of my friends when I need to remember what the world looks like through their eyes, carnivals, bonfires with friends, fishing, the Steelers, eating hotdogs at the ballpark, laughing whenever possible, peace and quiet, the loyalty of an old dog, God (which probably should have been first but I didn’t wanna scare you into thinking this was a sermon), sunrises and sunsets, the mountains, foggy mornings, history, playing with bones – especially those of australopithecus aferensis (again refer to ‘nerdy books’ comment), photography, writing, doing things that make other people smile, driving, helping people when I can, enjoying good conversations with people, learning something new, and being very much in love with a woman that I really hope will be the last person I ever kiss.

Categories: erotica, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Anger – An Inspiration To Move Beyond

Understanding Anger

Of all the emotions that we, as human beings face, anger is perhaps the most visceral and least understood. Anger can take many forms and it can also lead us down into rabbit holes from which we may or may not ever find our way out of again. For some, wallowing in their anger seems to have become the great American past time? Still, others will flatly deny that they are angry, while cursing you under their breath for even asking such a stupid thing and then promptly go home and kick the cat because now they are in a bad mood.

As a country, we are one of the angriest people on the planet. Why is that I wonder? I find it interesting because I’ve had my own issues with anger and as I try to learn more about it, the more elusive it seems to become. Anger is like a chameleon. It changes its color and shifts with our other moods, but it can remain right there with you, just under the surface, parasitic in nature. It’s like there’s a little mercenary with a bad attitude that waits in camouflage until that very moment you least expect it; he jumps out and attacks. He uses full metal jackets and an assault rifle with a scope. He lets loose his barrage on anyone and everyone within range.

While it is frightening to those around us, it is equally frightening to us when these episodes happen. Facing anger is a scary, scary thing. Even more so when it has been a part of you for so long that you have totally forgotten why you are even angry in the first place. Anger is like that unemployed cousin who came to visit and is still sleeping on your sofa. He isn’t YOU. He’s an invader and you don’t know why he’s still there. You don’t know why he came in the first place because it’s been so long now. You’d love to get rid of him, but you really don’t quite know how. You’ve come to take a bit of comfort in him being there on the sofa for you, so you tend to forget that he’s intruding in your life and taking up valuable space. Stop feeding him and he’ll go away.

 

Is There Hope For People Who Want To Move Beyond Anger?

Dr. Judith Orloff, an author, a psychiatrist and a clinical professor at UCLA, states that people can change. She says that the the key to ridding yourself of anger is to learn compassion. In her book, “Emotional Freedom”, Dr. Orloff talks about Mark and the loss of his father. Mark viewed this loss as “senseless and irreparable” and this changed him dramatically. He treated the world with disdain for its unfairness. Mark ended-up learning his lessons the hard way, after doing time in prison for the things he did in anger. He sought help, went to therapy, became a student of the Torah and changed his life because he committed to it. He’s now been married for more than 20 years and is a happy and productive person who runs a halfway house with his wife.

The key, for Mark and for everyone, is to get to the root cause of the anger and deal with it. It takes work and for some, that work may be too much. For some people, it may be the longest and most meaningful journey of your lifetime. It’s a transformation and a shift within your soul that has to take place. The question, I suppose in my own opinion is, ‘do you think you’re worth it?’  I for one believe that I am and I am embracing the journey.

Anger can come from many places. It can come from a childhood need that never was fulfilled, it can come from a great loss and devastation in your life and it can come from many things in your life that combine. I look at it like a pipe under the kitchen sink that begins to clog. As things pile on top, the clog gets worse and it gets tighter, compacting itself into a tight ball of muck. All the little bits of muck start to get caught in the big ball of muck because there’s no room to be let go now, and drain out in their natural way. The little things that normally wouldn’t be an issue are now an issue because there’s no way to let them go; there is no proper outlet.

A “proper outlet” is necessary for anger. Let’s face it, anger is one of the most common emotions that we all feel. Things make us angry. Anger is a huge part of what makes us human beings. If we didn’t get angry about things, then we would never seek to change things. Constructive responses to anger are fantastic! Getting angry because you get a bad grade on an exam would be normal. A constructive response of studying harder and resolving yourself to doing better the next time is fantastic. Getting shit-faced drunk, feeling sorry for yourself and punching some guy in a parking lot is not so much of a good response. However, people do things like that in their responses to anger.

Therefore, anger expressed accordingly, can be one of the best motivators in your life if you allow it to be. Anger can also eat you alive and make you a miserable person if you let it. I don’t intend to let it. I’m working on shifting myself to a compassion consciousness. I know it won’t be easy, but I know that I can do it because I want to. I believe in me, I don’t need anyone else to. I’m working on surrounding myself with people who are what I wish to be. I am letting anger motivate me to grow and change. Choosing a positive outcome, I’m taking control of my life and kicking that cousin off the sofa.

 

Begin With Being Thankful For Honesty 

I believe that all things happen for a reason and that people come into our lives when we are ready for the lesson that they are going to teach us. They are there, at this stage of our journey for a reason. In fact, while it isn’t easy to do, when someone comes into your life and forces you to look at yourself very hard in the mirror, you should accept this as a gift. This is quite possibly the greatest gift that the Universe can ever bestow upon you – someone who cares enough to be honest with you and care about you enough to truly want you to be healthy and feel better.

Even when they aren’t sure that it is possible for you to change, just the fact that they are willing to put their neck out there and tell you that it is time you face your demons is worthy of your sincerest respect. While some will just accept you as you are, only a TRUE friend will tell you that you’re completely fucked up and be willing to accept that you may not like hearing that. Even if they type it to you and then slam their laptop shut before you can respond. They fired a potshot at the little mercenary under your skin and then they ran for cover like Rambo; falling back to see if they hit their target and if there will be any retaliatory gunfire. God bless that person and their courage. They deserve a medal of honor.

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