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Posts Tagged With: god

Faith – What It Is To Me

 

Faith meme

 

 

 

I want to try to clarify some things about my life and my perspective for all of you. Many people write to me and want to “cheer me up” and give me pep talks when I talk about moving on, breaking up or things from my past. When I tell people that I’m fine, they don’t seem to believe me sometimes. In fact, I’ve been told by some that they do not understand how quickly I bounce back nor how I can move on and remain so positive. Well … let me try to explain it to you. I’m not really sure if I can, but I am going to try.

For starters, let me say that faith does not have to be centered around God if you are not comfortable with that. I believe that it is so much more than just God! It is about being connected to everything around you in a way that is spiritual but can be proven scientifically also, for those of you who are skeptics. Everything around us is made up of microscopic particles. Neutrons, electrons and ions surround you and ARE you. There is no such thing as a straight line. Anything under a microscope shows that lines are blurred. Why? Because molecules are moving, cells are not perfect shapes and everything is constantly changing, replicating and evolving before your very eyes. Nothing stays the same and everything is made up of the same particles.

When you consume food, you consume cells and these microscopic particles that have already been charged with energy of some sort. This is basic science from elementary school. Dig deeper, think harder, feel more…. you’ll realize the implications that everything on this planet and in the universe is connected. Right this moment, I’m surrounded by carbon dioxide that has been expelled by billions of other people. Quite possibly, I’m breathing oxygen that was created by a house plant somewhere in London. It is possible. We’re all breathing the same air, sharing the same sky, the same planet and the same solar system. We are mere pieces of an astronomically large puzzle, my friends.

Doesn’t it make sense if were all were to just get along that we’d all be healthier? Scale it down. If cells in your own body begin to fight against each other, what do you have? Sickness, illness … cancer and other things. So when harmony is removed and other things are allowed to take over, bad things happen. Right? When the body no longer maintains homeostasis ( balance and the ability to maintain itself correctly ) then the body becomes ill. The same thing happens with society, with the planet and with the entire universe. It isn’t such a big jump to understand that every single thing that you do in your life will touch the entire world. No matter how insignificant that you think you are, you are very important! The carbon dioxide that you expel is helping a plant somewhere on this planet. In your lifetime, you’ll be responsible for keep many of them alive. It’s symbiotic. They need you and you need them. Therefore, we all need you! You are part of the puzzle of life.

Even when you die, your body doesn’t disappear on a molecular level. Your molecules are changed, but they carry on. Part of you is here forever and can be carried on into water supplies, rain, in the soil that will grow vegetables for someone else – even a million years from now. So you see…it’s all bigger than just you … yet it is all about you.

My entire life I have realized that I was a deeper thinker than most people. I also realize that I’m very intuitive and more ‘spiritually connected’ than a lot of people are. There’s a side of me that I frankly cannot explain to you. I’m very perceptive of my environment, nature, people’s feelings and the way EVERYTHING is connected. Everything I explained before … its almost as if I can see the connections in bright colors all around me at times.

We are all connected to each other. We are all part of a greater ‘whole’ that most never feel. Either because of your life or your beliefs, you have shut it out. As children, we were all open to it. Do you ever remember having dreams of flying? My friends, this is because your soul certainly does. As we grow up, society and our so called civilization teach us that these things aren’t possible. We learn things like judging each other, hate, anger and we lose our belief in the things that would mend the wounds that are caused by this world. People are taught to lose their faith, hope and dreams by the world around them, yet time and time again they are shown how to come back to it….but many never do.

Last year, in the month of August, I was given a chance to look at my life through a new set of eyes. I call it ‘my epiphany’ and I’ve been inclined to tell people that I heard the voice of God. Here’s the thing…I heard something. Whether it was voice inside of me, a voice outside of me … or something from the matrix, it changed me forever. I’m not the same person and I never will be again. I don’t want to be!

In the time it took to blink my eyes, my life came fully into view and perspective. In one small moment in time, I realized that time is not linear and that my life had shown me opportunity after opportunity that I’d not taken advantage of. I saw the ways in which I could touch other people. Things flashed in front of me as I stood there. Everything became suddenly as clear as a crystal and I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that I wasn’t living my life for me! This is so much bigger than just me! I realized that I will receive true happiness and growth by helping others and by giving what I can to this world. In being alive, I take daily. I take oxygen, food and resources from this planet. It is necessary that I give back. One act of kindness can create thousands more in the people that it touches. It’s part of the spiritual pact we make with the universe for being here. Whether you want to be a part of it all or not, you are – there’s no choice in this. You’re only real choice is how much you choose to participate in this life and be the best that you can be. Happiness isn’t a destination! Happiness is the journey. Faith is about knowing what it takes to be happy and understanding that it isn’t truly about you.

When someone does something to me that I should be angry about, I choose not to get angry anymore. I remove them from my world and/or my space. I might try to teach them, but part of the wisdom that you acquire from life is to help you understand that you cannot always make someone understand something. Their path requires that they learn lessons on their own and when they are ready. You can’t force it. Learn to know when to walk away. This is best for YOU and best for maintaining that homeostasis that we talked about – both for you and the planet. When you realize that nothing is meant to personally harm you, but only to teach you and make you better, it becomes very hard to hold onto anger. For me, it is easier to just say to myself, “okay … lesson learned.” Then I move on. I shed no tears anymore over these things.

Do I have bad days? Why certainly! I don’t think I’d be human or have a soul if I didn’t cry sometimes. My tears are merely different now. I don’t cry because I feel sorry for myself or because I want anything different than I have. I cry from exhaustion sometimes and I cry when I’m confused about decisions I need. I cry when I feel hurt, because regardless of the things I’ve pointed out in the last 1364 words, as a human being I will get down and I will feel hurt from time to time. I’m not perfect by any means. I’m evolving and my cells are changing this very moment.

The wonderful part about faith is that I am able to put it all into perspective quickly. I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I am where I’m supposed to be, learning what I’m supposed to be learning and doing things that will affect other people on this planet for hundreds of thousands of years. That’s a pretty huge responsibility. Perhaps if more people realized this, they’d be better people? Then again, they are learning their lessons, the way they are supposed to and in the time frame that they are given. I’m okay with that. Faith makes me okay with things. Again, perhaps I’ve made zero sense to you at all tonight but I hope that I’ve at least given you some things to think about?

It truly is all about perspective. Try looking at your life from a different perspective and put yourself in the shoes of other people too. Be a little kinder and in the end you may find that you are stronger for it. In learning about others, you’ll realize that you grow to know yourself. We are truly all in this together and love really is the answer.

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Categories: equal rights, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , | 15 Comments

Falling Into The Abyss

I wanted to take the time to remind everyone that my latest book is out. “Falling Into the Abyss” deals with child abuse and how it can touch your life forever, if you let it. Even when you think you are a survivor, something may just come along and remind you that you have things you haven’t truly dealt with.

 

 

“A tale of child abuse, suicide and survival. An account of surviving the worst things life can throw at you and coming out on the side, changed for the better and able to look at life with new eyes and a new perspective. This is my story. I’ll take you from the the time 

I’ve shared my life and my journey with thousands of fans through my blog at butchramblings.com and now I tell the whole story, with all the background. See how I came out and got to where I am today. Learn why I advocate for those who have no voice.”

 

Set to launch October 17th.

Set to launch October 17th.

Categories: abuse, ADHD, Adoption, child abuse, death, equal rights, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, Politics, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Why I Live Like I Do – Blown By the Wind

Great live version!

 

All My Dreams Pass Before My Eyes of Curiosity

Nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky….no truer words were ever spoken. My philosophy on life, the actual process of living and the purpose for our existence, is far removed from that which most people feel. Firstly, I don’t believe that this is our only ride on the pony. I believe that we come back many times to this earthly realm and we learn more and more as we progress up a ladder, so to speak. In all honesty, I think it a little bold to believe that you could learn all there is to know from living only one lifetime.

I have nearly died a few times. I’ve known others in the same place. All of my life I have been very intuitive and after my parents passed it became very strong and I had to work with a woman to help teach me how to ‘turn it down’ when I needed to. I feel emotions far more deeply than many others do for this reason. I also tend to know when I am being lied to. What makes me different than most people is that I’ll forgive the lies and try to get straight to the root of the thing that is causing you to tell the lies. I am not like most people. Some might call me crazy…that’s okay. I can take it. I forgive them too. I am actually very quick to forgive, but I don’t necessarily let everyone back in. I weigh the circumstances and I wonder whether or not I can help them…or if there is another lesson for me at hand. This determines my decisions.

My belief is that before we are born, we actually plan this life out to a large degree…like an outline. You are still free to write the story the way you wish, but the general outline will guide you. I believe that we choose the battles that we are going to be facing, based on the lessons that we need to learn this time around. I was told by a psychic in 2007/08 that this was my last time to be reincarnated and that I had asked to make this lifetime to be a very big challenge. In her words, “You really wanted everything possible thrown at you so that you could really go out with a bang this time. You wanted to experience it ALL.”

To be perfectly honest….at that time, I thought she was little bit full of shit. She knows it because I sort of told her that. She’s still on my Facebook friends list and she’s honestly really good. As it turns out, I believe her now. It took me a while – it was a slow progression and almost like a game…to see what else could possibly happen and what would I survive. You see, I have complete faith now that I’m SUPPOSED to just keep going through more shit and that I will survive. I also know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I have a reward of some sort coming. I know that God is going to give me peace and rest, love and somewhere to put down roots. I can feel it moving towards me. Faith. This is my only explanation. I’ve survived many things that should have killed me. I know that I am SUPPOSED to be here, sitting in this booth right now, writing this. Someone out there is being moved by every word and their life is beginning to make more sense to them as they read on. YOU! You may be that person I am supposed to be helping right now. Have some faith and know that you are not alone. I’m aware of your pain and many others are too. You can and will survive, my friend.

My days are spent attempting to touch people with a dose of reality and trying to show others that humility is a good thing. Yes, I get confused and I get scared. You see, while my soul knows the outline I am following, I have no memory of it. For now, I’m just a human being that is also making mistakes and getting by through much trial and error. I’m simply trying to trust that I’m being shown opportunities to grow and given chances to rise above. I’m challenged and tested each and every day. We all are! Some just don’t understand it.

Same Old Song…Just a Drop of Water In An Endless Sea

I’ve risen above homelessness, hunger, my father’s suicide, near death experiences, child abuse from my mother, being cheated on by at least two people that I loved, lied to by people that I trusted with my life and being put in harm’s way, having no family in my life at all…I’m a complete loner, being diagnosed with diabetes in 2005, put on psychotropic drugs that actually caused me to lose my mind for a long time, watching someone die in my arms, being beaten half to death by three grown men just because I was a lesbian, having an older brother come to live with me and take me for money, hit me and break everything I owned for going on two years, having a younger brother go to work at the job I helped him get and tell everyone that as far as he was concerned he didn’t have a sister as long as I was gay, living in a cabin in the winter of 2011 with no running water, no heat, no electricity and surviving by letting the dogs sleep on top of me on those nights when ice formed on the inside of the walls. I’ve tried to help a lot of people who burned me badly. I’ve had people tell lies about me and others judge me. I have been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and auditory processing disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia and a few other things. All of those issues come and go. I had a panic attack last night and my chest hurt. I knew that it would pass.

In the last month, I came to IL to help someone. She told me she loved me and she tried to hide a lot from me…but I already knew she was lying to me. Again, like I ALWAYS do…I forgave her. It just isn’t worth being angry anymore. I let go of all my anger last summer. God showed me that my life was my own and that He had honestly given me every possible chance to turn things around. This is when I realized that my purpose…my TRUE purpose in life was to help other people. Even if it is a kind word and nothing else…I feel that I can touch people in a way that can change their life. This is what I try to do each and every day now. I don’t hold onto anger and I don’t let things keep me down. Yes, I get down because I’m human, but I quickly recover and remember that I have a purpose and a meaning to my life. I move on.

These days, I’m being tried and challenged with each breath that I take. I’m single and it looks like it’s going to stay that way. You cannot help someone who refuses to be helped because their path has not yet led them to have any faith in themselves or in the world around them. I weep for her, not because she’s hurt me…but because I could not help her. I have still offered to be here and be her friend, but one thing I have become very good at – turning my feelings for someone off. If I choose not to let you in, then you are done. I only resort to this when I feel that the damage I am incurring is greater than I can heal. One of my very first lessons in life was how to save myself, even when it was very traumatic. Honestly, that trauma has followed me for many years and only recently I believe that I was forgiven for it in a way that was meant to help me move on from this current experience faster as well.

I don’t tend to regret much, as I know it is a learning experience. I do regret when I can’t help someone…but it is time for me to move on. It is time to let the wind blow me again. I place it in God’s hands and where I end-up, I trust I am supposed to be there.

~ all we are is dust in the wind….

 

Categories: abuse, ADHD, child abuse, death, equal rights, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Breaking of a Person; Rebuilding Something Better

You really need to watch and listen to the video to get the entirety of this blog. I haven’t written much lately. I’ve been lost in my own world. I’ve been facing some demons. I hide my fights, I share so much with you all…but I hide the truths, I hide the realities and maybe because I have never known them? I’m sharing my life through this blog, but I’ve censored and I’ve told half truths and it’s possible that the reason is because I’ve lost so many pieces of myself along the way, that I don’t know who I am anymore?

THE HARD TRUTH

The reality is that I was an abused child. My mother fucked me up pretty good. I was six months old the first time she slapped me across the face, by her own admission. The truth is that I’ve never faced it, never gotten over it and never even opened the door to deal with it. Like a taproot, this pain of my life branched-out to every single part of the rest of my life. Even when I thought I had run far enough away, it still always caught-up to me. I didn’t know just how much it had taken me over and how much of it was actually making my decisions, breathing life into thoughts that were negative and destroying me one day at a time.

I’ve made a life of running. It’s the only thing I’ve ever known to do. The instinct now is to run, run, run.  The fact is that you cannot run from yourself…but you absolutely can be absent from your own life. Living in the past and worrying about tomorrow has robbed me of so much.

RUNNING FROM MY DEMONS

Here’s a truth. I went into the woods to hide in a cabin because I couldn’t face reality and I didn’t want to face myself anymore. As long as I didn’t have to look people in the eye, then I didn’t have to see myself reflected in their eyes. Again, I was hiding. I’ve done it my whole life. I’ve suffered from insomnia, depression, ADHD that has very similar symptoms as bipolar only without the excessive episodes of mania. I still have the mental confusion, the inability to make decisions, the absolute bombardment of my senses and the mind that must stay busy at all times.

I’m agoraphobic. Sometimes just the thought of leaving the house can cause me to have panic and anxiety. What does that feel like? It feels like an elephant jumping a rope on your chest and convinces you from time to time that this is the ‘big one’ and you’re dying. It feels like the devil himself has a grip on your neck and you can feel your windpipe being crushed by an invisible hand and it comes with no warning.

I’ve fallen asleep with my face on a computer keyboard and woke-up the next day with the impression of keys on my face. Insomnia and a busy brain causes me to go until I’m so exhausted that I want to just die. I want medication. I can’t get it. I fall through the cracks. I’m that person that you read about who borders on the edge of just holding on and loosing it all at any time.

When I was a child, I used to do really odd things…acting out the pains that I understand now but didn’t then. I used to pull my own hair out. It’s called trichtotillomania. Sometimes trichotillomania occurs in kids who have anxiety, major depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or Tourette’s disease, according to this article at about.com.

I also did other things. I used to steal small handfuls of fine gravel from the driveway. I would find somewhere on our property to hide from my mother and my brothers, who tormented me daily, and I’d actually pour the gravel on top of my head. I’d sit for hours, as long as I could stay hidden, and I’d just rub the pieces on my head. It felt good. It was some ‘feeling’ other than what I felt all the time. Who knows if there were other psychological reasons?

My mother insisted on giving me a bath until I was more than ten years old. The older I got, the more ashamed I felt. I’d beg and ask to take a shower on my own and she’d tell me no. “You won’t get your hair clean enough,” was one of her favorite excuses. It wasn’t until I was almost 38 years old and in therapy that I realized how dirty it made me feel and I had memories of being “touched” that, to me, were horribly inappropriate. You try not to believe your own memories about this sort of stuff. It was locked away for so many years. I still remember the look the therapist gave me when it came out. She knew I was not ready to deal with it, I think…but the look she gave me told me that it was real, it wasn’t my mind playing tricks on me.

To top it all off, every evening after my bath, it ended with me standing in the kitchen as she raked a comb through my hair, pulling through tangles so hard that I’d cry. She would normally end-up slapping me for crying and the wads of hair in the comb looked like a dog was being groomed. I remember her pulling the handfuls of hair from the comb and piling them on the kitchen counter until she was finished. It felt like she was keeping trophies. She insisted on keeping my hair long. I hated it and I begged to get my hair cut short.

I even have a very vivid memory from 2 yrs of age, and sleeping next to my mother. I was terrified. I was terrified of her and I was quietly biting my finger nails and I could taste the blood in my mouth from biting them to the quick. To this day, I have issues with my nails. I quit for periods of time and then it always comes back.

Whenever she was mad at me for most anything, she’d grab my hair and drag me. I got dragged from room to room, from chair to feet … sometimes it was just a great thing to hold me by so I could be hit with something in her other hand. I’ve been hit with toy race car tracks, plastic hair brushes, wooden yard sticks, broomsticks, mop handles, wooden spoons and so many other things that I don’t even remember. After a while, you shut it out. It’s nature’s way of protecting you I guess?

In all honesty though, the real hell for me was figuring out when she was going to hate me and when she was going to love me. I never knew. She’d hurt me, either with her mouth or her hands, and I would hate her. Then she’d turn around and want to make up. She’d invite me to come and sit next to her and put her arm around me and pull me close and tell me that she loved me…but that I should make her mad. I still remember that in those moments, I felt like I had a mother. I wanted the hugs and so the abuse became a means to an end in so many ways. The only way I got the acceptance was to endure the anger. I felt hated by her half the time and loved the other half and it left me confused, scared, too frightened to sleep sometimes, walking on eggshells most of my childhood and even praying to God that I was adopted sometimes. I couldn’t fathom that she could be my real mother. I used to talk to God a lot back then.

BREAKING DOWN

Have you ever done something that you wished you could take back but you couldn’t? Ever had a behavior that you wanted to change more than anything in this world but couldn’t figure out how? Keep making the same mistakes over and over?

Fast forward about 20 years. My parents have both been dead now for 16 and 14 years, respectively. In that 16 years, I’ve been angry at God for robbing me of my parents too soon. I’ve been angry at the universe for making me have to deal with things on my own. I’ve been pissed-off that my mother took diet pills and smoked while pregnant and passed on her genetic crap to me. I’ve looked for somewhere to place my anger. I’ve directed a lot of it at myself. The path of destruction is in my wake. I’ve screwed things up, I’ve sabotaged what should have been good things and successful stories in my life. I’ve punished myself and carried guilt and anger like a backpack that weighs a hundred pounds.

In March of this year, I met someone really nice online. We talked and talked, mostly by IMing and we used to talk until late into the night. We gradually got to a point where we talked via Skype. Our conversations were almost always long and really good. She shared things with me that meant a lot to her and were personal; things that were hard for her to explain and talk about. She also happens to have a habit of asking questions and being very matter of fact. She sees through bullshit and doesn’t always let things go. She asked me questions, made me look at myself and really made me very angry. I lashed out at her and I hurt her with some very venomous words about her and her life. I know now that it was only because I felt so shitty about my own. Still, the damage was done.

It wouldn’t be so bad if I had only done it that ONE time. I’ve lost my grip another couple of times and while it hasn’t been leveled at her in quite as personal assault, it has still been pretty terrible on my part. This last time it happened, we didn’t speak for 3o days. SHE SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY FROM ME.  Instead, she still reached out to me and her first words are always “R u okay?” I have absolutely no clue how she can do that. I really don’t. She shouldn’t care about me at all. I’ve chased everyone else away in 20 years….why does she come back? Truth is that we actually have a lot similarity in our pasts, though not the same. Both of our childhoods were tragic in many ways.

Sitting on my porch, alone, I had an epiphany about why she cares and why I do the things I do. I realized that I’ve NEVER been honest with one single person. I’ve hidden all the things that really matter. I realized that here was this person who honestly cares and I owe it to her to be honest with her. I realized that I could actually trust her … even when she hadn’t been able to trust me. I began opening myself up to her and telling truths where I normally would have covered things up or not talked about what was real. I have tried very hard to lay myself wide open and it hasn’t been easy. What has happened is that I’ve opened all these other doors.

Twenty years of crap is all coming out now because I cracked the door open and now I can’t shut it. Everything is flying at my face, assailing me at all hours of the day and night. I keep having these “ah-ha” moments and they come with goosebumps, anger, release and exhaustion.

She questioned me about my belief in God. I never talk about it. I’ve called myself an atheist…but when it comes right down to it, I cannot actually own that. I tiptoe around it and say that I am spiritual. She presses me. This makes no sense to her. I am squirming. Again, she’s making me face something. Painful but necessary. I finally admit that I’ve been angry with God for many years. I’m gay, I’ve got a learning disability, my parents are dead and died too young, I have no family … as far as I am concerned, God turned his back on me and I am like child angry at a parent. I told her this. It was sort of “news to me” in a way. Once it started coming out, it just became so clear to me though. It was another door that opened.

Perhaps the biggest realization of all was a few days later? I was thinking about all these things. My mind has been consumed with it all lately. I’m suddenly realizing so much. I feel like I’ve been living the last twenty years blind as a bat. I was thinking about God and thinking about how to get better … needing and wanting to heal myself and become whole. Like a shudder, it came over me as if a voice spoken from above and I have to say that it may be the only time in my entire life that I feel like God spoke to me. My parents died almost twenty years ago not to punish me, but to save me. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I had been given my life back almost twenty years ago and I could almost feel God ask me why I had wasted all this time?

NOW WHAT?

This is the biggest question of all. I did something that I have never done as an adult. I prayed and asked God to take care of it for me. I’ve been withdrawn and I think it may get worse before it gets better. I wish that this was the only thing in my life going on right now, but it isn’t.

I’m on the verge of losing everything because work has been slow. My books are doing well, but I won’t see the first royalty payment until September. I’ve been watching a little red tag swinging on the utility box for far too long now and have even stooped to the point of applying for food stamps because I’ve been hungry too many times in my life and it scares me. I don’t even want to talk about the lot rent. Ugh.

Still, I know a few things. 1) I know that there is someone that I can tell everything to and she isn’t going to judge me, hate me or run away from me. She’s still a little scared to totally trust me and I understand, but I’m positive that eventually she will see that what I’ve just gone through emotionally, spiritually and psychologically has changed me a lot.  2) I know that my past does NOT have to steal one more minute of my life because my focus has shifted, thanks to an awakening that has taken place inside of me.  3) I know that I don’t have any anger in me anymore…it seems to have left like an unwanted guest and left me very tired and exhausted in it’s wake. 4) I know that I have a long, long way to go. Nothing is going to be easy but most things worth having aren’t easy anyway. I feel like I just started seeing my life in color instead of in black and white. 5) I’ve spent my life running from things and this time, I’m not going to run.

Categories: abuse, ADHD, child abuse, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , | 10 Comments

I Wrote Your Name On A Balloon

Have you ever been at someone’s side as they died? Have you watched the breath escape their body and hear the rattle as their body shudders to a halt? I have. I know death and know the things that people speak about in their last moments. I remember hearing the stories of her youth, watching the tears well in her eyes remembering an old dog she had as a child. Her memories, good and bad, were everything to her at that time, as her long life was drawing to a close.

The lessons that I’ve learned in my life are not the same as you will learn because our purposes here are different. I think all souls are beautiful but I don’t think all people are. Sometimes I’m amazed at people’s inability to see the world outside of themselves. Sometimes I am even more amazed when they have convinced themselves that they do.

Here is what I know. My past experiences have made me who I am today. Every thought and every decision I make are based on the experiences in my life that I have been through, good or bad. True, I have choices, but my choices are a product of the things I have learned to be true. My past IS my truth. I owe the past a debt for teaching me, for bringing me here to where I stand now. Am I perfect? Certainly not and I have never professed to be so. I’m human. I was made to make mistakes. I’m beautiful in my constant state of imperfection and I’m okay with me.

Do I over react? Sometimes I do and sometimes I have been the voice of reason in the lives of other people. I suppose it is a trade-off?

What have I learned most recently? To honor my truth. As I said, my past IS my truth. I don’t have to live in the past in order to honor it. I need to pay attention to what I have learned, in order to honor myself … and in doing so, I honor my past as well as my present and my future. Time is not a straight line. Neither am I.

Here is what I promise to honor in my future; the truths I need to uphold in my life:

 

  1. I will never again date anyone who does not openly identify as lesbian and is proud of that fact. I feel that this is important to the cause of gay rights, it is important to the gay youth who need positive role models, it is important to the people in the closet who need that reassurance that there are people out here who will embrace them and lastly … because it is important to change the world. I also feel it is something that I need to have in a healthy relationship.
  2. I will never ask someone to lay low in my life or not be my friend because someone that I am dating, or going to date, isn’t comfortable with my friendship with you. I don’t care if you are an ex or just a friend or someone I had a one night stand with. There are two of them on my Facebook page now and I have no intentions of getting rid of them. If you can’t trust me then we have nothing to begin with.
  3. Never again will I defend myself to someone over and over. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, hit the road. This is my new motto.
  4. I’ll never apologize for my past, because without it I wouldn’t be here. It is part of me, it reminds me when I move in the right direction or the wrong direction. I learn my own lessons, at my own pace, without someone else having to point it out to me.
  5. I will live my life for me. Never again will I conform to what someone else wants me to be, do, think, feel, wear, eat, read, learn, play or see. If someone doesn’t honor me, as I am, and bring positive to my life, then I will leave them behind.
  6. I will never, ever hide who I am ever again. I will never again date someone who cannot happily introduce me to someone as their date, their girlfriend or partner. I’ll never again be a shadow in someone’s life.
  7. I will only date femme women who clearly understand the butch femme dynamic and have done it before, get it and know how to treat a butch woman and honor me for who and what I am.
  8. At the sign of the first red flags, I am going to trust my intuition and walk away. I am going to listen to my gut and stop hanging around too long, expecting a different result from the same situation.

 

These are just a few of the things that are going to be a part of the new me. I don’t need someone in my life. I’m truly a very happy person alone most of the time. My life is going along really well and even though things are tough right this very moment, I don’t foresee this lasting much longer. Physically, I feel fantastic. Emotionally, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I’m standing up for me, what is right for me and what I need. It may not be right for others and that’s fine. I honor you and your truth, even if you don’t think I do. As I said before, I think all souls are beautiful and I wish you well on the journey of your soul.

Recently I was questioned why I said I was spiritual and have also said I’m an atheist. I’m going to clarify this while I’m at it today. I do not believe in heaven, hell or God in the sense that Christians believe in those things. I do not need “God” to be spiritual. My thoughts on religion are not good, in all honesty. I subscribe to thoughts more along the line of Taoism or Buddhism. I believe in reincarnation, I believe in a progression of the soul. I believe in learning to be a better person. I know I am not perfect but I honestly really do my best to learn and evolve. I do try to work on my short comings and I try to be a good person overall.

I’ve been called mean by two people in my life. They were both people who made me uncomfortable, insulted me over and over without even realizing that they were doing it, didn’t listen to me when I tried to tell them how I felt, and just generally were people that I should never have had in my life to begin with. The red flags were flapping in the wind and I just kept ignoring them. As a result, I believe that I acted out and really was mean to them. For that I apologize. I should have let you go sooner.

This morning I wrote your name on a balloon and I released it. I watched it fly away, to heights unknown. I honored you as I did this. I released your soul to move on and follow the path that you need to follow. I will not hold you back. I wished you well and I was happy for you. I pray that you’ll have a care free life, that you will find your health again and that you will do what we are meant to do, spread your wings and fly.

Categories: death, equal rights, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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