Posts Tagged With: life

Growing Old Is Getting Old


It has been a wild ride, these last 50+ years. This winter, the shoulder pain has been tougher than ever. CBD oil helps immensely though!. If you’ve not tried it, I highly recommend it. The oil helps my ADD and pain. I also recommend turmeric with curcumin. That stuff is an amazing natural anti-inflammatory and scientists agree that it has benefits and warrants more research. It works wonders for arthritis and joint pains from injury. Aches and pains are just there to remind us of the fun we’ve had I suppose, but growing old really does get old some days!

It’s good to be back here in a space I have always held so near to my heart. Butch Ramblings was my healing journey and my happiness. Ramblings was my home for a long time. I blogged my way through isolation, heartache, stupidity, growing pains and more. Someone once said to me that it was’ time I settled down and put down roots somewhere.’ That life isn’t meant for everyone. It isn’t meant for me. I’m an adventurer.

Don’t let people tell you what to do. You do what is best for yourself and you’ll always be fine. Trust me on that. These are my roots right here. This is my legacy. This website will be around long after I am gone. Hopefully that won’t be for a little while yet. On the other hand, if it happens tomorrow, I’m prepared. I’ve lived a good life and I’ve come to terms with most of the lessons I have learned along this path. I’ve had ups and I have had downs.

I’ve had many sleepless nights. I’ve had other nights where I have slept like a log. I have awakened with clarity over things I had been worried about. I’ve ruminated over a decision for far too long. I have still made the wrong choice. In fact, I’ve made a lot of bad choices. I’ve also made some pretty damned great choices. The universe is awesome that way because there is balance in everything we do. The wisdom that we receive, once we are open to it, is pretty amazing.

I have heard people whine about losing their trust of others. I’ve seen people place blame on everyone else in their life for all the messed up shit they have been neck deep in for years. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and realize that you’ve been an asshole to everyone around you and that’s why nobody sticks around. At some point you choose to trust or not to. You either get tired of living a life that is an empty shell or you get down in it and get dirty. Bathe in the mud!

I’m a mud bather. I admit it. If shit gets deep, I’ll swim out into it a little further just to see how deep it will get. I figure once I have some mud on my boots I may as well get really dirty. I take chances on people. I walk away from people fast too. Things that will get me to walk away fast are people who become passive aggressive. People who don’t know when to shut up or respect my space drive me cuckoo too. People who, in every single conversation, relive the past and place blame on other people constantly. That gets old really, really fast. At some point, stop being a victim in your own novel. Choose to be the hero.

That’s all of my deep thoughts for now. I’ll move on to reality. I am living with a friend who is letting me use her place as a staging area before I make a big move that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet. While here, I’m trying to help her as much as possible. She’s getting older and her house has been falling into disarray for the last few years. She broke her back and has had difficulty with mundane tasks. My goal is to do some work, help her put into place some things/processes that will make it easier for her to function, and make sure that she has what she needs to survive. Right now we are in the middle of showering her with Christmas gifts, thanks to so many Facebook friends! I’m so blessed to have really good, caring individuals that I’ve met there and I choose to keep them around in my life! Such GOOD we get accomplished as a tribe! Love and kindness really do go a long way in keeping people in your life.

I have plans to do some wildlife photography soon, while I still can. I’m writing again, while I still can. Last year I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. In other words, the capillaries in the backs of my eyes have been bleeding. It clouds the vision over time. It has slowed drastically with my blood sugar more under control but the odds of me going blind in time are very high. My eyesight is not what it used to be and I have issues already. I miss little typos here and there. The doctors at the Kittner Eye Institue in Chapel Hill, NC,  also noticed that I have a cataract on my left eye. It isn’t really operable and it is from scar tissue, likely from blunt force trauma. Apparently, according to them, I’ve had it my whole life since infancy. It is very old and that explains a lot about my sensitivity to light. Lasting effects from childhood abuse I presume but don’t really know for sure. At any rate, my vision is an issue but I don’t intend to let it stop me. When the time comes, I’ll see about voice recognition software and dictate.

I’ve been playing guitar again over this last year. I promised myself that I’d do something for myself, personally enriching, for my 50th year on the planet. I’m having the time of my life with it. I used to noodle around with some chords a long time ago. I’ve picked guitars up and put them down a dozen times over the years. I never really got enthusiastically involved in practice and learning because I never really knew exactly where to start. Fender Play got me down the right path. Technology is so advanced these days that there are lessons online everywhere and I’m really absorbing them. I love it! Best thing I’ve ever done was to pick it up again.

I have plans to begin submitting articles, with wildlife and outdoor themes, to some magazines in the outdoor genre. I have lost a lot of weight in the last year and gained a little winter weight back but I’m on an indoor bike trainer that I was able to plop my Fuji mountain bike on so I am hoping to get that weight right back off plus some more. My mental state is free and easy these days. I’m not running from anything or to anything. I just AM. It’s a great place to be! I’m living life for me. I spread a little joy here and there and just work on being the best me that I can be. If everyone else did that, the world would be such a better place! Don’t you all agree?

Categories: ADHD, aging, child abuse, death, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

I’m Back


A wall paperI haven’t been around much since Thanksgiving and I apologize to everyone. Going through all those feelings that one encounters at the end of a relationship, along with the holidays and the many other issues I’ve had going on… it has been a long month for me.

The above song was my choice because I think that most people see me as the act that I put on for the benefit of the world around me. Yes, I can be the life of the party. Yes, I make people around me smile and I do things for others without thinking twice about it. On the inside, I’m dying a slow death most of the time.

Recently, I’ve noted that I am more sensitive than I used to be. Loud noises and busy shopping centers are a chore for me right now. I find that I am so over-stimulated that my system is purely exhausted. Lately, I have been having to rely on public places to do my daily work. I’ve had to rely on public places with pay showers and too much fast food due to lack of cooking facilities to do much without being plugged into power. The dog thinks the shopping center parking lot is our new home. I hope like hell it isn’t.

I’m tired on a level that is hard to describe. Going through so many things right now, like an oil leak that had me pumping more money into oil this month than in gas, has got me ready to crawl under a blanket and just hide. I need peace and I need quiet. I yearn for day not spent listening to elevator music or screaming kids in a dining room where I am trying to huddle at a table and work, as I drink too much coffee. This is hard. Living like this is hard. As much as I SEEM pretty outgoing to most of you, sometimes I really need to hide away and be quiet. I’m going on a month now with no privacy at all. I’m dealing with an overabundance of input to my system and I’m starting to crack under the pressure. I feel myself growing irritable and grumpy on a deep level. My soul is so worn out from this year.

The woman I had put so much hope into turned out to be just another turn down the wrong road. I must stress, and I was thinking about this today, that she is a very nice person. In fact, she’s a really good person with a kind heart. We just are like oil and water and it hurts me to know that no amount of effort could really ever have brought us together permanently. Letting her go was the best thing. I’m very sad that it didn’t work, but I know that it’s for the best. I feel badly for hanging on longer than I probably should have. Staying in situations too long just creates more hurt for both people in the long run. This is something that I have learned and it’s a lesson that I’m not going to forget.

I worry about myself sometimes. I worry that I’ll get so good at starting over that I’ll forget how to stay. Today I thought about one of my ex whom I was with for nearly 7 years. I thought about the home we had together, the nice dishes, the king sized bed and the leather furniture. We had a nice home … yet neither of us was happy. Still, life was easier for sure. I wonder and I worry if I will ever find the person that actually gets me and understands me. Will she ever be there and if I do find her, will I be able to stay now? My life has changed so much and I’m not sure what I think of it.

one reason to hold on

A friend’s child messaged me and told me how cool she thought my life was  and that I was so lucky to do all the things I do. She went on for a bit, telling me that I was really interesting and my life seems like a wonderful adventure. As she spoke a fear began to grow in me. She thought my life was cool? I couldn’t possibly let her think that! I finally told her, “You don’t want to be like me. My life is hard. My life is lonely. I’m lonely and I’m sad most of the time, I just don’t show it.” I was so worried that she’d seriously want to be like me that I told her mother that she simply had to explain to her daughter that my life was NOT one to be envied!

Sure, I’m lucky to have gone places and done things that other people haven’t done because they were tied down to spouses, kids and their jobs. I am happy that I’ve done so much and traveled so many places, yet sometimes I’d trade all of my adventures for one day with a family to come home to. All of my holidays typically are spent alone. I won’t watch children of my own grow-up and I’ll never experience having grandchildren. I don’t have holiday traditions anymore, they died with my parents and I’ve had no one to create new ones with, or to pass any down to.

I suppose it is the season getting to me, along with stress and being worn out completely. I have a lot to be thankful for and I always am. God knows that I am very thankful for the things that I have, especially the things that really matter. I’m just thinking about my life and wondering where it goes from here. I find myself wishing that I would find the perfect woman who would just climb into the passenger seat, look at me and say, “Where are we headed today?”

Categories: life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , | 10 Comments

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