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Posts Tagged With: love

I Am A Book

I feel like an old book, bound in leather of the highest quality that has become soft and worn over the last 45 years. I’ve seen so very much and I’ve traveled all around, from person to person. I’ve been touched by those who are puzzled and confused by me and perhaps even more so after browsing my chapters. Some have closed my cover shut without even taking much of a look. Their loss. A few came along and read a chapter or two and then just put me down. What a shame that they didn’t take the time to read my entire story, feel the things I’ve felt and let their eyes see the things which I have seen.

leather book

When it comes to the chapters entitled “Love” my pages are nearly blank. Some of the words have faded and become hard to read, though they are still there to see. Like a work from Shakespeare, it has been mostly written as tragedy. None of that matters much though, as I’ve come to learn. Life is about how much we love ourselves and learn to do what is right and true. These are lessons that I guess I just always knew…but perhaps my soul had forgotten? Sometimes I feel lonely and I wish for someone to hold my hand and snuggle with at night. I know she’s out there somewhere and I just need to keep turning the pages until she is written into my story.

After “Love” comes an entire chapter on “Forgiveness” and I’ve found that it is the key. I’ve re-read every word in this chapter over and over and sometimes I still forget things, so I read them again. Practice makes perfect. Holding on to anger only hurts me. I am learning to forgive and move on. I’ve spent the last few months turning pages and starting a new chapter.

I’m about to embark on a new journey and I am closing another chapter of my life. Just as I have always brought you all along, I will do so again. I have been presented with an AMAZING opportunity and it literally fell into my lap through a connection I had made over the past year or so. I’ve been asked to come to California and be a foreman of a small ranch. There will be rescued mustangs to take care of and rehabilitate. There will be rescued dogs in a kennel to take care of and do some training and socializing. I have been told that I’ll be in charge of most everything that pertains to the property, including doing some planting of small-scale crops, fruit trees and so forth.

I cannot tell you how excited I am about this opportunity because it will give me the ability to help others a little more now. I will also not be living in my RV. I’ll have an apartment on the property that will become my home and I truly don’t take that for granted. I have not lived in a “home” with actual electricity and running water in almost three years. I’m grateful and so ready to get this new adventure started. The “boss” knows that I write and told me that I’ll have the use of a vehicle and that I’m more than welcome to venture into the city and work on my book connections and do signings. I won’t be too far from San Francisco and Oakland, so I hope to get there and meet and greet some of you who are around.

The old RV will stay parked here, in Illinois and I plan on coming back every 12-18 months to see Mike, Sheila and the kids, as well as all my other friends from childhood that still live here. I’ve kept a low profile this time because I’m really coming off a couple of tough years and I honestly needed some alone time to put the pieces of me back together again. I apologize to some of you that I didn’t get a chance to see or didn’t stop on the way by. Please, don’t take it personally. When I say that I’ve become reclusive it is an understatement. I’m slowly coming back out of my shell. I just don’t work like everyone else and I need time alone to heal. I’m getting there. Thanks for understanding. I even took almost five weeks away from blogging or doing any writing at all, just so I could get quiet in my head and think.

I want to thank my friend Sheila for making this a grand summer. I’ve helped Mike with his cows a little, helped pick some corn here and there, gone camping for 11 days with her and the four kids, been hiking, shopping and got a LOT of work done around here! It’s been very memorable and meaningful to me. I know who my family truly is.

Speaking of family…I did reconnect with an aunt and uncle. Only living relatives I’ve spoken to in about 15 years, so that is good. Hopefully, I’ll have dinner with them before I blow town. To all of you, thanks for indulging me, thanks for your input, your emails and comments and for being the catalyst that helps me to keep going. I truly appreciate every single one of you who read my blogs, buy my books and follow me on Facebook.

On to the next chapter…

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Categories: life lessons, love | Tags: , , , , | 6 Comments

Life Has A Way of Humbling Us, Why Fight It?

 

Know what is humbling? Logging into your blog for the first time in almost two months and seeing that you are still averaging almost 200 readers per day and that you have surpassed the 50,000 hits that you had initially hoped for in your wildest dreams – and it isn’t quite yet a year! THANK YOU!

You all know that I write about life and that can be so many things! My readers tell me that what they find most endearing is the way I let people in and share how I really feel in the most raw way possible. I don’t hold back … even when it doesn’t paint me in the greatest of lights. Life has humbled me to the point that I just don’t feel a need to try to look good. I’d rather be myself, in all my screwed-up glory. I’m imperfect. Ask all three credit bureaus. I’m honestly thinking of contacting Guinness Book of records to see if I may just have the lowest credit score in the nation. Seriously. That bad. In the words of a four year old that I love very much, “Guess what?? NOBODY CARES!!” (followed by MUCH giggling) Joshua indeed has his own unique way of looking at the world and it is amazing what you can learn from children. Keep it simple. Focus on what is in front of you. Don’t get hung-up in details. If you can get someone else to do it, that’s one thing you don’t have to worry about. Keep asking for what you want until someone gives it to you. The word ‘no’ has little meaning if you choose to ignore it. Yep…that’s wisdom right there, folks.

I’m sorry that I’ve been out of touch and away from my usual posts. I’ve had a LOT of emotional things going on and I don’t really talk these things out. I stew on them. I let them sink in. I allow pain to seep into my veins and turn the blood of my soul from red to black from time to time. Once all the sludge turns to goo, it is time to sit, write and let it all out. That’s the way I work – it’s how I roll. Now I can breathe again and let that oxygen flow and cleanse me, from the deepest recesses of all that is me!

I don’t believe that one single minute of any day is wasted. Even if I choose to just sit or nap all day, that is not a wasted day! Rejuvenating the spirit, the soul, having time to think and learn and take a look at our progress is important. I’m always reminded of a line from an Indigo Girls song, “…every five years or so I look back on my  life and I have a good laugh…”. That is important. We are new people each day. You are not the same person that you were yesterday. You have new cells, your are chemically not exactly the same because it fluctuates and your thoughts today are not exactly the same as yesterday. We are in a constant state of flux. That is life. If things didn’t change, then we wouldn’t be growing.

Did I mention that I’m 45 now? Yep…I had a birthday! Nothing like a birthday to remind you that your body is getting older and more worn out. Thinking I need some maintenance. Where to start? For one thing, I gave up soda (or ‘pop’ when I’m here at home in Illinois). Would you believe that my vision is clearing up? It is! I don’t need bifocals to see my computer or to read! I’ve been drinking over a gallon of water, with grape juice, each day for several days and I am sitting here typing away without reading glasses on! Amazing. My joints are day to day. My shoulder is feeling much better since stopping the Diet Dew too. I’m beginning to think that there is more to that stuff being poison than I ever realized and from now on I am going to envision a skull and crossbones on a bottle of it and think of it as drinking rat poison!!

Now…how do I heal my soul? I’m gonna lay it all out for you. Jo hurt me a lot. She lied to me in ways that I honestly trusted her not to. I flat-out asked her to promise me that she’d not play with my feelings when we first started talking again. She did anyway and while it hurt me extremely deeply and I’ve needed much time to heal, I’m out on the other side of it and I feel good again. The biggest thing is that I forgive her and I realize that I need to follow my own blog! Somewhere along the line I wrote that ‘people only love you as much as they can’ and I got that line from Laura. Laura is the woman I went to Florida for last year. Wow. She must have been telling me a lot about herself when she said that. I forgive Laura too. Even though I spent three days in a hospital, scared and in tears a time or two and she never visited me once, I forgive her. I hope she forgives me for not being able to be the person she needed me to be. Her idea of my life and my idea of my life were two very different things. I’m not cut-out for living in a house with someone, being tied down to bills, routines and time clocks. It just isn’t going to happen. She kept telling me that she was waiting for my life to ‘settle down’ and I kept waiting for her to love me as I was. Two different people, two different paths and it took me realizing that it wasn’t meant and it wasn’t going to happen. That didn’t mean I didn’t care for her…anymore that it means I don’t still care for Jo. I do. I don’t turn-off feelings and emotions for people that meant something to me. People think I do, because I walk away but that isn’t true at all. I simply put myself first. I have a conscious and sometimes it gets the best of me, keeps me up at night and makes want to sit down and write an email and just say hello. I’m getting better at not sending them.

I’ve been talking to my ex from twenty years ago. It is a long story and I’m not going to get into it all again. Ellen is the one person in my life that I have held onto all these years and wanted to talk to again. There was a Karmic connection and a reason to contact again. She’s grown. She’s different in a lot of ways … and in some ways she’s the same and she knows I know. <insert smile here> You see, the part of me that has grown is the part that no longer needs to force someone into a mold that I think is ‘right’ or ‘correct’ in some way. I do not judge and I don’t begrudge anyone living their life and following their path the way that they need to. I know how to keep a safe distance now. Fact is, I honestly LIKE Ellen. She’s funny, witty, smart, charming when she wants to be, sassy as hell (which I always admired – even when it was directed at me) and she is one of the most resourceful people I’ve ever known. I ADMIRE her … even when she doesn’t admire herself. Fact is, she is one of the few people I was ever involved with who has grown and I don’t mind her in my life again, because I don’t feel that it is a step backwards in any way. I feel like we’ve both grown forward and we just aren’t the same people anymore. Does this make sense? I don’t mind saying this, knowing that she’ll read it, but I still love her. I always have and I always held everyone else in all these years up to her as a comparison…which wasn’t fair to them and a hell of a lot to live up to…but it’s true. For what it’s worth, I’m not afraid to admit that. I believe that coming to terms with things in our lives is very much about being truthful and honest, with OURSELVES as much as with others. So, I admit it, I never got over her and I don’t truly know why. I just didn’t. I admitted to someone that I lived with for six years that if Ellen had shown-up knocking on my door and wanting to get back together, that I’d have left with her. Sad huh? I mean, I feel terrible that I SAID that … but it was the honest truth. That was EIGHT years after we hadn’t been together too. Strange to say it, but the only thing I ever believed in was her and I’m SO proud that she raised Amelia and made it when all the chips were down. Against all odds, she survived. I know it wasn’t probably pretty and it wasn’t easy or perfect by any means…but she did it and I’m honestly so proud of her and I really want her to know that, because I mean it so much. It was only when I moved into this RV that I threw away a lot of things from my past because I knew that clinging to the past is not the right thing to do….but there were a few things that I kept that were extremely important to me. This was one thing that I could never and will never part with…

Ellen and Amelia1

You can’t imagine with my life as scattered as it is and has been – the moving, the traveling and life I lead – how hard it may be to keep track of things. I always know where this photo is on a moments notice.

 

So here I am. Alone. I’m okay with that. I’m simply acknowledging how I feel today and the things going ’round in my head. I’m not trying to get back together with anyone, not looking for anyone new. I’m just happy to live today and to feel this breeze in my face. That photo may seem sad, but to me it isn’t. It reminds me that I had a very, very happy time in my life and I was lucky to have had it. I’ve been lucky for every day ever since. When I left her, I drank myself into a stupor for about three years. I practically lived at the bar, playing Garth Brook’s “The Dance” on the jukebox and wallowing in grief. If  I had all the money back that I drank away, I could probably travel well for a year. Paycheck after paycheck I pissed into the toilet, literally. I’ve come a long, long way. I’m sober now. I’m humble. I feel too much sometimes, but I am not afraid to face what I feel with quiet dignity and know that I have been blessed many times over. I choose to be thankful and yes, Ellen,  I choose to be proud of you and believe in you. You deserve that.

 

Categories: lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

If I Told You That I Loved You

 

HEarts777

 

I wonder if I looked into your eyes if I’d see admiration, kindness and love?

Would you make me feel there’s nothing I couldn’t rise above?

When you look back at me, are the thoughts clearly written here upon my face?

Is it so very out in the open, the way I’ve felt this fall from grace?

If I told you that I loved you would it make you stop to change direction?

Would loving you make each day make it worth sharing a connection?

Should I put all my faith in you and trust that you are strong?

Or am I such a stranger to you that the feelings are all gone?

Today I choose to follow the path to making this world much clearer,

So I’ll look again and smile joyfully, saying “I love you” into a mirror.

~ Jesse MacGregor-Jones

 

This is for all of you who forget that the most important person in the world that needs your love is YOU! Always be kind to yourself, knowing you’ll make mistakes. Life is about learning and growing, for none of us was born perfect! Today, look at yourself in the mirror and find one thing to love, even if it is simply the fact that you had the courage to look yourself in the eyes.

Categories: equal rights, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , | 7 Comments

My First Kiss – A Magic Night

3605530262309_2.5oz_LES_SECRET_MAGIE_NOIRE

I like to say that I was a ‘late bloomer’ because it wasn’t until I was 23 that I kissed someone for the first time. Having grown-up in the small town of Tampico, Illinois – population 850 – I wasn’t exactly worldly. In fact, I was pretty naive and eventually she would grow to call me “Peoria” from time to time. It was her way of getting under my skin sometimes. At the time it was aggravating, but in hind sight I must admit that it was sort of cute and funny.

I moved into an upstairs apartment with a guy in the summer of 1992. That summer changed my entire life. One evening he and I were standing outside, smoking a cigarette. I looked up and saw this woman walking from the left end of the street and crossed over to the other side and disappeared into the house right across the street. I stopped in mid sentence and said to him, “Who is that woman?” He smiled and said, “That’s Ellen. She lives next door and that’s her cousin’s house across the street.” I was stopped dead in my tracks and as God is my witness, this is what I said to him, “I will be with that woman.” He laughed hysterically, but I was dead serious. I honestly never believed in love at first sight…but it was sure as hell lust. I was smitten, bitten and tongue tied, for the most part. I always felt like everything I said around her came out wrong and I felt so incredibly awkward most of the time.

I fell so hard for her and she wasn’t even single, though she made it clear that she’d prefer to be and that she wasn’t happy at all. Each day I would watch her drive by in that silly Volkswagen bus. You could hear her coming long before she actually drove by, in a flash of faded red that played background to the bright yellow daisy painted on the side. Just picturing it right now makes me smile so big. Those were wonderful days, the summer I finally started to become me.

One day, I got the outlandish idea to buy her a dozen red roses. We’d talked a few times, made small talk and drank a few beers one night out on the lawn. I have no idea what possessed me to think that I had any business buying her roses but I did. I took them to her cousin’s house and asked if she’d give them to her when she did her usual stop in after work. I stood in the upstairs apartment across the street and waited, chain-smoking with my roommate. I couldn’t take them to HER house…she lived with a guy and I surely didn’t want to start any trouble.

When she came home, I was having heart failure as I watched her walk into her cousin’s house. She wasn’t in there ten minutes and came marching out with her flowers, in the vase I had bought for them, and took them to her house. My roommate declared, “Oh my GOD…she’s gonna go flaunt them right in his face!” Yep, that’s pretty much how it all started. We played cat and mouse over the entire summer with nothing much happening…it was all very innocent at first, until that night….

It was growing into the last days of summer, when the nights began to get cooler and the stars over the St Pete sky glistened like diamonds in the black velvet of that night. I shall never forget it as long as I live. We sat on her deck, she had invited me over. The hour was getting late. She seemed to need someone to talk to and I hung on her every word. She told me of her life as a child, as a teen and how she’d ended-up here in this city – the place she’d ultimately grow to love with such a passion. She was fascinating to me, with all her world views and opinions on politics and such. She knew where she stood and I really didn’t yet. I was still impressionable and …. well … naive. 🙂

As she talked, my heart seemed to move around in my chest as if it was freely floating. As I recall, it was bumping into things and sliding up into my throat on occasion, making it rather hard to swallow with such a lump suffocating me. I was filled with feelings and thoughts that I truly didn’t even understand. My entire body seemed to be doing its own thing, while I tried very hard not to let it show. I doubt she ever had any idea how nervous I was that night, or how her mere presence before me caused my pulse to rise and my heart to skip beats. I remember thinking that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever gazed upon.

She had tears in her eyes at times, as she spoke about her current unhappiness and the things that she wanted to do with her life. She talked about the accident that had landed her in the hospital and physical therapy. Clearly she was in pain emotionally and had issues with the scars it had left upon her physical being as well.  I wanted to touch her, to hold her hand or even just to sit closer. To me, she was simply beautiful. She wore her hair in a French braid and it was lovely. Sometimes she wore it down and other times she used to pull it up over the top of her head, twist it and pin it. She had the most gorgeous hair.

I was frozen in my chair for at least two hours. It wasn’t until it was very late and she had tears trickling softly down her cheeks that something inside me took over. The entire world seemed to fade into the background as I stood and walked to her. There, in the cool breeze of the night, I gently lifted her chin to look into her eyes. I bent and softly kissed her right cheek, where a tear slowly made it’s way downward. I could taste the salt of her emotional wounds and  I softly kissed the other cheek, noting how soft her skin was and how warm she felt. I remember letting my cheek linger against hers. My heart was racing and to this day I do not know where I found the courage to softly kiss her lips but I did. I wasn’t even sure if I was doing it right, but I was so lost in the moment that I could have crawled inside of her and wrapped my arms around her very soul right then and there.

I can still, to this very day, feel how soft and inviting her lips were. It was a sweet, soft kiss that wasn’t meant to lead to anything. I was happy to just be there in that very heartbeat in time and want for nothing more. It was a magical moment for me and I don’t know what it was like for her, but I’m grateful that I have that memory. It was the first time in my life that I fell in love with someone and I knew it in that very moment. How many people can remember the exact moment in time that they knew they were in love with someone?  True, I was innocent and naive, but I was so in love with her in that very moment that nothing else  in the world mattered but her. To this day, I can close my eyes and remember the way she smelled and how she felt, with her cheek against my own. I was in heaven.

That night, I would leave her with that kiss and go home, a couple of doors down. We had a very sweet courtship that lasted for several months before we would finally end-up together and it was an amazing time in my life. Am I romanticizing things and being overly sentimental? Perhaps. 🙂 Shouldn’t we all remember our first loves in such a way?

*************************************************************************************************

Is is coincidence that she JUST called me and we talked for two hours? After a crazy break-up and a LOT of water under the bridge, we recently started talking again and I have to say that she’s still got me hanging on every word and she’s still every bit as beautiful as she ever was, perhaps even more so now because she’s grown so much in the last twenty years. I hope that I have too. Once again, I’m happy to say that I’m lucky to have her around.

So many of you who have been following me and my writing over the last year have heard me say that it feels as if my life is coming full circle. I think that talking to her again has made the circle complete. In a strange way, it feels like I have been off on a twenty year adventure and now I get to tell her all about it over conversations where we catch each other up on the last several years of our lives. How amazing life is! What a strange adventure indeed!

As we ended our conversation tonight, she said, “Miss you” and it made me smile. I have missed her too….for twenty years. To this day, she’s the only woman who ever bought ME flowers – EVER. They were Peace roses and Godiva chocolates, because she said I ‘hadn’t lived’ if I had never had Godiva chocolates. I still remember the perfume that she wore – Magie Noire – and it took me years to stop smelling it when I closed my eyes. Suddenly, tonight, I smelled it again. Thanks, Ellen. 🙂

Categories: lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | 9 Comments

Here I Go Again!

 

Here I Go Again!

 

I know that many of you have been following what has been going on with Jo and I. There frankly has been nothing to tell. She’s stuck in this pattern of not being forthcoming, hiding facts and insisting on being secretive. In all honestly, I completely understand this behavior – I really do. Understanding it doesn’t make me want to stick around and be subjected to it though.

You see … while I understand it, that doesn’t mean that I feel I deserve it. As I told her about two weeks ago…I deserve someone who is there for me and that I can build a future with. I’ve simply decided that with all that has happened, I have zero trust for her. Weighing my options and thinking about what I want and need in a love, I can clearly see that I’ll NEVER have that with Jo. I wish her all the best and I’d still be here if she needed help, but I think it is simply time to stop wasting my efforts. I’ve helped as much as I can. I can add domestic abuse to my list of things that I advocate to change. Another lesson, thank-you God.

My peace comes in knowing I did all I could. You can lead a horse to water….

So what happens now? Hmmm…good question, I suppose. I have no real plans. I’m intending to visit FL soon, so that Ellen and I can catch up. She makes me feel better. Our conversations are more “even” nowadays. Back in the days when we were a couple ( 20 years ago), we didn’t feel very equal to me. I felt like the kid who still hadn’t participated in life and had no real experiences to draw upon. Now I’m different and we both have a lot of shared experiences and opinions about life in general. We’ve had some really good conversations and I look forward to having more great conversations while sitting at the beach or over a good meal. She has an infectious laugh and I could use some of that right now.

In fact, I could use some “beach and sunshine” right now. I’ve been thinking about my life a lot these past few weeks. My friend Sheila has been after me to put down roots. I agree with her…I need to, but don’t know for sure where I want to. I’ve moved around so much that I now have many places that call out to me and nowhere really feels like home. It has been very tough for me to figure out what to do and where I want to be. I’ve sort of come to the conclusion that I need to live in FL in the winter and IL in the summer. That said, now I have to work on my income so that I can afford to do that. It isn’t really so hard. Once you set your mind on something and it feels right, then you just do it. That’s the way I’ve always lived my life…decide what to do…then just do it. I still want to visit Ireland next year and now it looks like it may be alone. No…that’s not a hint for women to apply! LOL

Fact is, I’m feeling a little sorrowful today over the things I want from life that I’m not getting – as of yet. I may roam a lot and seem very independent…but the truth is that I’m a little lonely sometimes. I honestly always wanted to marry someone and settle down – though my idea of settling down is not really what other’s ideas might be! I see me traveling the Irish and Scottish countrysides on horse back or bikes with someone. I see me holding someone’s hand and walking on the beach and snuggling at a bonfire, toasting New Year’s Eve in a new place each year.   Somewhere…she’s out there, the one who wants the same things from life, has the same views and understands that it is about the adventure and the journey, not the toys you acquire alone the way! Onward and upward!

***Breathe, Believe, Become***

Categories: lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , | 14 Comments

The Smell of Your Perfume

 

I can still smell your perfume lingering in the air and on my jacket. I can still feel your lips on mine and as I sit here I realize that my fingers are no longer cold and I am actually warm all over. To me, you’re beautiful, lovely and everything I could ever want in a friend and a love. I honestly feel comfortable with you so completely. I can slide my arms around you in line at the counter and you turn and kiss my cheek….so naturally, so affectionately and make me feel so wanted. It just feels “right” and I wonder if you feel it too? I think that you do. The way you look at me makes me light-up inside. I always wanted someone to look at me the way you do and now here you are … and it’s so much more.

Today we talked about our differences and the things we have in common. We’ve talked about the things that we know we’ll need to work on and we’ve talked so much about dreams and goals, hopes and fears. I told you that I felt like I can tell you anything. You told me that I could. You make me feel safe. My heart feels safe with you. I’m smelling my coat again right now….God, you smell so good. You hair, your smile, you voice….everything about you…the way you look away from me when I say something that embarrasses you….I’m completely intoxicated with you.

Lust? Yes, I definitely have a lust for you. The things I think about doing to you and with you would make a grown man blush … but I also think about courting you, as you deserve. I wish I wasn’t broke right now, but it won’t last long. I worked my ass off to earn the money to get back here and now I’ll have to work my ass off some more in order to get ahead again. Won’t take me long. You’re going to be treated like you deserve and that’s always been my intention. I want you for the long haul. I want you forever. I told you that I was playing for keeps this time and I mean it.

You’re a feisty lil’ filly and I’ve always known that. I love it. I get frustrated sometimes, but I’m a MUCH better person at being able to talk about it and explain it now. So instead of getting mad, I can talk to you and tell you how I feel. I think we’ll get better and better at talking about our feelings. I know that we’ll get out of this whatever we put in. I will give you my all. I will give you 100% and everything I have to give. Just know and believe me that when I tell you that I love you, I truly do … with every ounce of love that I have to give.

I accept your little quirks, your OCD, your high energy that keeps you preoccupied and easily distracted. Let me be what grounds you. Let me be your shoulder and your rock and I will always be here for you. Always be honest with me, tell me everything, let me into your world and know that I’m not going to judge you ever. I love you completely and unconditionally. Yes, I’ll get my feelings hurt sometimes. Yes, I’ll get annoyed and irritated sometimes. This is normal and I’m human, but I will never not love you through all those times and those moments.  At the end of the day, I’m always going to love you and I am ALWAYS going to want to be with you.

I’m smelling your perfume again. Just like I told you, my fingers are warm now. I’m not cold at all…

Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love | Tags: , , | 4 Comments

I Won’t Let Go

I push the button to connect and wait for you. You miss the call – typically –  and I am sitting here laughing as I know I will get an IM saying something like “oops….try again! LOL”

Chuckling at you, I try again. I hear you answer but it takes a moment to load. Suddenly there you are, looking back at me and I feel myself getting warm all over. You think you are “average” and don’t see yourself the way I do at all. I think you are stunning and you take my breath away.

You don’t know how the things you say about your past hurt me inside. The abuse… I was there for part of it …but when you talk about it or tell me things that I didn’t know about …. it makes me cry. I fight tears in front of you, because I know you’re so proud. I know that you have the same convictions in life that I do. You tell me that these were lessons and that they made you strong. Woman, you are so strong. I see a beauty in you that you will probably never be able to understand, but I want to spend the next 50+ years doing my best to make you see it.

There’s something in your eyes, when you look at me, that makes me tingle all over. No one’s ever looked at me like that. It makes me feel so humble and so happy. You make me see how unbelievably lucky we have both been to find ourselves back to where we are. How many gazillion little things all had to happen in this crazy world in order for us to ever meet in the first place? Then for me to go so far away from you, only to find out that you had never let me go? Who could know I’d be going to somewhat crazy lengths to try to get back to you now? I feel like it’s you….YOU are my destination.

 

MolineILHP

 

 

I’ve never believed in having a soul mate. I’ve never believed in any of that. I always just felt like we found someone that we could care about and we called it love. So many things have happened in the last year of my life and I’ve come to learn so much. I finally understood how one single event could set-off a chain of other events. I came to realize that making the wrong choice was okay with God. He let me make a LOT of wrong choices in my life, knowing that I’d eventually figure it all out. He sent people into my world to help teach me those lessons and some of the lessons were very hard. I’ve cried my fair share of tears. I know you have too. Now we have angels working on our behalf to help me get back to you. SO many people that I owe thanks to. I give thanks every night when I crawl into my little sleeping bunk …. then I dream about you.

All of a sudden, here you are again. It was like we collided in a turmoil once before. Both of us in so much of a vacuum in our own lives that we both trapped in our worlds. There was simply no way we could just “happen” back then. It wasn’t going to happen then, but it seems like we both got sent on our own adventure’s and pains, heartbreaks and lessons to learn. Now, here you are in front of me, on my screen … smiling at me and stealing my heart with every smile and each sigh. Do you realize that I’ve told you things and admitted fears to you that I don’t tell anyone else? Do you realize that I’m not AFRAID to tell you those things and that I know beyond a doubt that I am perfectly safe to tell you those things.

I used to say that you were too young for me. I used to think in terms of being human and having an expiration date. You used to tell me that it was just a number and you didn’t care about it – but I did. When we started talking again, I remember telling you about the fears that I had, laying in that hospital bed this summer. I felt your reaction to my words and what you said to me too. I realized for the first time, that day and in that conversation, that you may have a different birth year than I but you are an old soul. You are wise beyond your years about matters of the heart. You understand what is important in this life. I think you are amazing and inspiring.

We keep saying to each other, “you get me.” We both seem equally amazed because for too many years we’ve been told by other people that they didn’t get us. There’s nothing you can’t tell me or I can tell you. Today we talked about our fears. That is a huge thing for me. It’s big for you too…yet we seem to do it with each other like it’s no big deal. I’m reminded that you are my miracle in life. You simply being there, typing to me, talking to me…. you are a miracle.

I told you that I was playing for keeps this time. I will stand by you. I will hold you and I will never let you go.

Categories: death, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , | 8 Comments

I Want You

I think it’s only fair that I tell you that when I say I want you that it means all the stuff that comes with you.

I want:

  • The inevitable tears you will cry upon my shoulder from time to time
  • The times you forget that you have something on the stove and set-off the fire alarm
  • The morning grumpiness that you’ll have before getting a cup of coffee in you.
  • The bad dreams and nights you can’t sleep
  • The growing pains as you move through the rest of your life
  • To hear the shriek when you find a gray hair
  • To hear the sound of the swearing that no one else knows you do but I’m not that naive
  • To be there the mornings when you feel like crap because your had a couple cocktails too many the night before
  • The disagreements that we’re bound to have and the kisses that we’ll share when we make-up
  • You heart
Take a bite of my heart tonight....photo courtesy of dailypainters.com

Take a bite of my heart tonight….photo courtesy of dailypainters.com

  • Your fears
  • Your dreams
  • To watch you change as we grow older and always find a reason to be amazed by you.
  • To hold you in silence you when your feelings are hurt and you need to hide from the world sometimes.
  • To see your smile every single day for as long as I live.
  • To share everything with you and know that you’re my best friend.
  • To lay next to you and listen to you breathe.
  • To watch you walk out of the room, knowing that my heart goes with you when you do.
  • To look over and see you’ve fallen asleep on the sofa and cover you, kiss your forehead and smile at you.
  • To hold your hand wherever we go.
  • To hear all the funny things you say that crack me up.
  • To exchange glances with you when others are around and know we are both thinking the same thing.
  • To see you realize your dreams and share the world with you.
  • To snuggle on the couch and watch old black and white movies, under a blanket, with popcorn and M&Ms.
  • To play on the playground of life with you.
  • All the bad, the good, the worst and the best of you.
  • To shower you with kisses and hold you close every day.
  • The times that something happens that is so funny that we can’t stop laughing.
  • To catch your eye from across the room and know that you know that I am thinking dirty thoughts.
  • Your hugs.
  • Anything else that life throws at us.
  • You
Categories: erotica, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , | 4 Comments

The Sound of My Fall

Courtesy of CurlyDee photos, please click photo for link to webpage.

Courtesy of CurlyDee photos, please click photo for link to webpage.

If I whisper your name to the sky,

will the wind carry it to you in your dreams?

Can you feel my heart moving towards you

Crossing highways and mountain streams?

 

Will you still look at me the same way,

after all of this time and these two years?

I’m not sure how I can look into your eyes,

and hold back the flood of happy tears.

 

All my life I’ve made every wrong turn,

For far too long I was heading the wrong way.

Now it’s time to turn this thing around,

And we’ll be face to face soon, come what may.

 

Have you imagined my lips on yours,

as I’ve done dreaming of you oh so many times?

I’m counting down the days by truck stop

food and old, weathered highway signs.

 

You type “I miss you” and my heart

comes to life with joy and pure happiness.

I feel it too, as if my life has been lacking

something that made my world so much less.

 

Sometimes I have to remind myself that

I should probably be holding something in.

But I feel I’ve already fallen for you so deeply that

I’m reeling and don’t know where to begin.

 

So sweetly, you smiled at me on a video camera

from over a thousand miles away

My heart stopped, I had tears in my eyes because

I felt so much and didn’t know what to say.

 

I see your face and I just know that there is

nothing that I wouldn’t do for you at all.

It was then that my heart took over and

all that I could hear was the sound of my fall.

Categories: erotica, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love | Tags: , , , | 8 Comments

All Along I Believed I Would Find You

One Step Closer

I distinctly remember when I was very young standing in the pasture and looking up at the stars, as I used to love to do. I remember singing a song that I used to love to sing, it was from Cinderella and wish upon the moon. I talked to God back in those days and I asked if there would ever be anyone for me. I felt so awkward, so strange and so abnormal. In a town of 850 people, I was SURE I was the only one like me. I already knew that I couldn’t talk to my parents. I was 12 and I was already hiding in a closet that was dark and lonely.

Two years ago I met you. You were troubled. You weren’t free. To say that things were complicated would be an understatement.  I wanted more with you, but it was not ready to happen. It was a very hard decision for me to walk away but I chose to protect my heart. Sometimes it helps to be angry, sometimes we mask hurt by pretending to be angry when our hearts are really breaking and we don’t know how to pick up the pieces and put them back together again?

Since that time, I went to stay in a cabin where I could be alone. I lived in the woods, with no heat, no water and not much of anything. From there I chased a life in FL. More of the same emptiness and I almost died twice in the last two years. I’ve tried desperately to solve this puzzle of life. I had no clue that it was life that was solving the puzzle of me… This summer, everything changed for me. So much about life has become clear to me, my sweet angel.

I’ve made wrong turns. I’ve trusted those that I shouldn’t have trusted and I’ve pushed some away that I possibly should have let in. I was protecting when I should have opened up and running when I should have stayed and staying places I should never have come to in the first place. Two years later….a random email reaches out from across the miles….and touches me, as I sat in the dark. A single tear would run down my cheek.

Where my heart is flying to these days....

Where my heart is flying to these days….

Time Spins And A Thousand Years Passes Through My Life Like A Moment In Time

Suddenly, I am catapulted back in time. Everything spins and I’m shot back to those conversations with God, asking if there would ever be someone for me. The earth stops spinning and in the silence I hear you say, “I miss you.” Breathless, I’m beginning to see things clearly. I’m beginning to realize the “why” and the reasons for the journey, starting to see the changes in me and the ways I was prepared for this moment, this place, this decision and this new chapter of my life.

Suddenly, when I was already feeling happiness at knowing my place in life and what my reasons for walking here were all about, you walked back into my world. In a moment my heart was swept away, out into the sea of your soul. I know that you are going to keep it safe. It feels like it has finally come home, my heart finally feels safe. Your smile brings me such joy that I cannot explain and I openly weep because I cannot breathe nor explain how deep my feelings are being touched. Somewhere, in a place locked away deep, down in my soul….it feels like you were already there.

You could never know what you mean to me or how you have awakened the spirit inside of me. I feel like I am flying higher than I’ve ever dared. The last six months have been an incredible journey, but I am not afraid anymore. You are what I was meant to find…I feel it as surely as I can see my hands type these words. You fill me until I overflow and my heart is so happy that I feel that it will surely explode and I just don’t care. Every breath and hour surely have come to this.

Don’t Be Afraid

I sincerely do feel that I have loved you for a thousand years and that you are the one one I was seeking all this time. Some refer to it as a twin flame or a soul mate. I’ve always shied away from using such words but right now I can find no other words to describe the way that I feel. My heart has taken flight and I’m just sitting here watching it like a kite, climbing higher and higher. I’m feeling overjoyed at the experience and out of breath. I do believe that we are meant to be together and that this time is for real, for always and forever. There’s not a single red flag and all I see and feel tell me that you are the one….and I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.

Darling, don’t be afraid. I’ve loved you for a thousand years and I will love you for a thousand more….

Categories: gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , | 2 Comments

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