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Posts Tagged With: moving on

Here I Go Again!

 

Here I Go Again!

 

I know that many of you have been following what has been going on with Jo and I. There frankly has been nothing to tell. She’s stuck in this pattern of not being forthcoming, hiding facts and insisting on being secretive. In all honestly, I completely understand this behavior – I really do. Understanding it doesn’t make me want to stick around and be subjected to it though.

You see … while I understand it, that doesn’t mean that I feel I deserve it. As I told her about two weeks ago…I deserve someone who is there for me and that I can build a future with. I’ve simply decided that with all that has happened, I have zero trust for her. Weighing my options and thinking about what I want and need in a love, I can clearly see that I’ll NEVER have that with Jo. I wish her all the best and I’d still be here if she needed help, but I think it is simply time to stop wasting my efforts. I’ve helped as much as I can. I can add domestic abuse to my list of things that I advocate to change. Another lesson, thank-you God.

My peace comes in knowing I did all I could. You can lead a horse to water….

So what happens now? Hmmm…good question, I suppose. I have no real plans. I’m intending to visit FL soon, so that Ellen and I can catch up. She makes me feel better. Our conversations are more “even” nowadays. Back in the days when we were a couple ( 20 years ago), we didn’t feel very equal to me. I felt like the kid who still hadn’t participated in life and had no real experiences to draw upon. Now I’m different and we both have a lot of shared experiences and opinions about life in general. We’ve had some really good conversations and I look forward to having more great conversations while sitting at the beach or over a good meal. She has an infectious laugh and I could use some of that right now.

In fact, I could use some “beach and sunshine” right now. I’ve been thinking about my life a lot these past few weeks. My friend Sheila has been after me to put down roots. I agree with her…I need to, but don’t know for sure where I want to. I’ve moved around so much that I now have many places that call out to me and nowhere really feels like home. It has been very tough for me to figure out what to do and where I want to be. I’ve sort of come to the conclusion that I need to live in FL in the winter and IL in the summer. That said, now I have to work on my income so that I can afford to do that. It isn’t really so hard. Once you set your mind on something and it feels right, then you just do it. That’s the way I’ve always lived my life…decide what to do…then just do it. I still want to visit Ireland next year and now it looks like it may be alone. No…that’s not a hint for women to apply! LOL

Fact is, I’m feeling a little sorrowful today over the things I want from life that I’m not getting – as of yet. I may roam a lot and seem very independent…but the truth is that I’m a little lonely sometimes. I honestly always wanted to marry someone and settle down – though my idea of settling down is not really what other’s ideas might be! I see me traveling the Irish and Scottish countrysides on horse back or bikes with someone. I see me holding someone’s hand and walking on the beach and snuggling at a bonfire, toasting New Year’s Eve in a new place each year.   Somewhere…she’s out there, the one who wants the same things from life, has the same views and understands that it is about the adventure and the journey, not the toys you acquire alone the way! Onward and upward!

***Breathe, Believe, Become***

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Categories: lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , | 14 Comments

Why I Live Like I Do – Blown By the Wind

Great live version!

 

All My Dreams Pass Before My Eyes of Curiosity

Nothing lasts forever, but the earth and sky….no truer words were ever spoken. My philosophy on life, the actual process of living and the purpose for our existence, is far removed from that which most people feel. Firstly, I don’t believe that this is our only ride on the pony. I believe that we come back many times to this earthly realm and we learn more and more as we progress up a ladder, so to speak. In all honesty, I think it a little bold to believe that you could learn all there is to know from living only one lifetime.

I have nearly died a few times. I’ve known others in the same place. All of my life I have been very intuitive and after my parents passed it became very strong and I had to work with a woman to help teach me how to ‘turn it down’ when I needed to. I feel emotions far more deeply than many others do for this reason. I also tend to know when I am being lied to. What makes me different than most people is that I’ll forgive the lies and try to get straight to the root of the thing that is causing you to tell the lies. I am not like most people. Some might call me crazy…that’s okay. I can take it. I forgive them too. I am actually very quick to forgive, but I don’t necessarily let everyone back in. I weigh the circumstances and I wonder whether or not I can help them…or if there is another lesson for me at hand. This determines my decisions.

My belief is that before we are born, we actually plan this life out to a large degree…like an outline. You are still free to write the story the way you wish, but the general outline will guide you. I believe that we choose the battles that we are going to be facing, based on the lessons that we need to learn this time around. I was told by a psychic in 2007/08 that this was my last time to be reincarnated and that I had asked to make this lifetime to be a very big challenge. In her words, “You really wanted everything possible thrown at you so that you could really go out with a bang this time. You wanted to experience it ALL.”

To be perfectly honest….at that time, I thought she was little bit full of shit. She knows it because I sort of told her that. She’s still on my Facebook friends list and she’s honestly really good. As it turns out, I believe her now. It took me a while – it was a slow progression and almost like a game…to see what else could possibly happen and what would I survive. You see, I have complete faith now that I’m SUPPOSED to just keep going through more shit and that I will survive. I also know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that I have a reward of some sort coming. I know that God is going to give me peace and rest, love and somewhere to put down roots. I can feel it moving towards me. Faith. This is my only explanation. I’ve survived many things that should have killed me. I know that I am SUPPOSED to be here, sitting in this booth right now, writing this. Someone out there is being moved by every word and their life is beginning to make more sense to them as they read on. YOU! You may be that person I am supposed to be helping right now. Have some faith and know that you are not alone. I’m aware of your pain and many others are too. You can and will survive, my friend.

My days are spent attempting to touch people with a dose of reality and trying to show others that humility is a good thing. Yes, I get confused and I get scared. You see, while my soul knows the outline I am following, I have no memory of it. For now, I’m just a human being that is also making mistakes and getting by through much trial and error. I’m simply trying to trust that I’m being shown opportunities to grow and given chances to rise above. I’m challenged and tested each and every day. We all are! Some just don’t understand it.

Same Old Song…Just a Drop of Water In An Endless Sea

I’ve risen above homelessness, hunger, my father’s suicide, near death experiences, child abuse from my mother, being cheated on by at least two people that I loved, lied to by people that I trusted with my life and being put in harm’s way, having no family in my life at all…I’m a complete loner, being diagnosed with diabetes in 2005, put on psychotropic drugs that actually caused me to lose my mind for a long time, watching someone die in my arms, being beaten half to death by three grown men just because I was a lesbian, having an older brother come to live with me and take me for money, hit me and break everything I owned for going on two years, having a younger brother go to work at the job I helped him get and tell everyone that as far as he was concerned he didn’t have a sister as long as I was gay, living in a cabin in the winter of 2011 with no running water, no heat, no electricity and surviving by letting the dogs sleep on top of me on those nights when ice formed on the inside of the walls. I’ve tried to help a lot of people who burned me badly. I’ve had people tell lies about me and others judge me. I have been diagnosed with ADHD/ADD and auditory processing disorder, anxiety, agoraphobia and a few other things. All of those issues come and go. I had a panic attack last night and my chest hurt. I knew that it would pass.

In the last month, I came to IL to help someone. She told me she loved me and she tried to hide a lot from me…but I already knew she was lying to me. Again, like I ALWAYS do…I forgave her. It just isn’t worth being angry anymore. I let go of all my anger last summer. God showed me that my life was my own and that He had honestly given me every possible chance to turn things around. This is when I realized that my purpose…my TRUE purpose in life was to help other people. Even if it is a kind word and nothing else…I feel that I can touch people in a way that can change their life. This is what I try to do each and every day now. I don’t hold onto anger and I don’t let things keep me down. Yes, I get down because I’m human, but I quickly recover and remember that I have a purpose and a meaning to my life. I move on.

These days, I’m being tried and challenged with each breath that I take. I’m single and it looks like it’s going to stay that way. You cannot help someone who refuses to be helped because their path has not yet led them to have any faith in themselves or in the world around them. I weep for her, not because she’s hurt me…but because I could not help her. I have still offered to be here and be her friend, but one thing I have become very good at – turning my feelings for someone off. If I choose not to let you in, then you are done. I only resort to this when I feel that the damage I am incurring is greater than I can heal. One of my very first lessons in life was how to save myself, even when it was very traumatic. Honestly, that trauma has followed me for many years and only recently I believe that I was forgiven for it in a way that was meant to help me move on from this current experience faster as well.

I don’t tend to regret much, as I know it is a learning experience. I do regret when I can’t help someone…but it is time for me to move on. It is time to let the wind blow me again. I place it in God’s hands and where I end-up, I trust I am supposed to be there.

~ all we are is dust in the wind….

 

Categories: abuse, ADHD, child abuse, death, equal rights, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | 7 Comments

The Parking Lot – My Thanksgiving Day Story

It’s a sunny but chilly day today. I watch the cars drive in and drive out. Almost all of them are speeding and whizzing by as if trying to win a race. Frenzied and in that angst that overwhelms the holiday shoppers, they’ve all temporarily lost their sanity and any good judgment that they may have ever had.

The store is closed today – it is Thanksgiving. Even silent is the bell of the Salvation Army’s bell-ringer, whom I have passed with disdain these past few days. I wonder to myself if they have noticed a decline in donations after the public became aware of their support of anti-gay legislation and such? It crosses my mind that the boycotting could be carried a step further and letters and emails could be sent to these stores, demanding that they not allow the group to use their store fronts for such things anymore.

This morning I was awakened by the crows calling loudly. Caw! Caw! Caw! My cats were in the windows, ears perked-up and meowing back at the vile birds as they hopped back and forth across the roof of my RV. The only one who is not disturbed is the dog. He’s grown deaf in recent months and he sleeps a peaceful, innocent sleep now. No longer is he my protector; it is I who have become his guardian, yet again. We’ve returned to the days when he was a pup and I watched over his every move like a concerned parent. No longer can my smart fella walk off his leash with me, for he cannot hear me call him away from danger or tell him to stay when need be. Now he prances and wiggles at the end of his leash, turning to look back and check to make sure I am still there at the end of the leash. “Yes, sweet boy, it is still ME holding your leash.”

This is the parking lot that we’ve made our temporary home. From inside the RV I watch the world go on around us and I have had much time to think and reflect. I may not have much, but I also don’t think that I have the stresses that most of the world has either. Ten cars have come and gone as I have written this much. Are the rolls that they forgot for their Thanksgiving dinner really this important?

In the distance, I can hear an angry man screaming. It is just after 10 am and he is cursing, “fucking, fuck fuck fuck! Fucking BITCH! I didn’t wanna do this anyway….” I wonder what HE forgot?

I think I view the world differently than most people do. I don’t care about money very much. I’d rather be poor than have that guy’s stress. I don’t even care about food all that much anymore. When I have it, I eat. When I don’t, I don’t. If I get to a point that it has been more than ten days and I find myself getting weak or feeling sick, I have learned where to go and I can get help now. It took me time in a new city to figure this out. I know where all the food banks are at. I pick out all the canned meats they give me and feed it to the dog and cats. I don’t typically eat meat anyway and I’m responsible for them so I make sure that they get their fair share too.

Today is a good day, I think. I have money this week, so I am eating. Today, for Thanksgiving, we are having spaghetti, right here in the parking lot – our parking lot today. This is the first meal that I’ve cooked and eaten hot in almost three months at home, here in the RV. Since July, I have lived without electricity. I’ve concluded that as long as I have a can opener, I am capable of eating most things straight from the can. I use free wifi at businesses to do my work all week. So for me, it really is Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for. I see all the little things….and I’m not that screaming guy.

They are fighting again. Another car speeds by, stops at the doors to the Publix and then squeals away, obviously pissed-off that others had the day off too?

Tuesday, I told the woman who I love that I didn’t want to see her anymore. It causes me too much pain. I do love her but she doesn’t see the real me. She lives in another world and I don’t have the ability to make her see mine. I tried but her eyes just cannot focus on things that she cannot begin to even imagine. It is like all along she’s had an image of what I am in her head that isn’t really me. I can’t live up to it. I quit trying.

She’s a good person, she really is, but she’s very damaged in her own way. I think she’s more damaged than I am. I would have accepted all her faults and quirks, because I was capable of looking the other way and thinking that some of it was even funny. I have made some of her damage worse, because I have vehemently stood up for myself and tramped on her feelings a few times in the process. We both had damage and I don’t think we have been good for each other, love or not. The only thing I have accomplished with her is the hurt her feelings while she remains clueless about things.

When I was laying in a hospital bed a month ago, wondering if I was going to live or die and in so much pain that they were shooting me full of morphine, the only thing I thought about was how I felt about her. Yet, she didn’t bother to call or even offer to come and see me. I took it as her way of not wanting to be seen involved with a woman. She still passes as straight, lives in a straight world and enjoys straight privilege. In recent months I have texted her that I missed her and she never, not one time could bring herself to say “I miss you too” or anything even remotely like that.

In the past six months I have lived without electricity for the most part. I have gone without food for extended periods of time. I have read my bible by the light of street lamps and I have sat in libraries and restaurants (when I had money) to use their wifi and do work, bid on work and write my blog and work on my next book. In that time I have been stiffed by two clients for $478, when I was starving, literally. I was in the process of being evicted.

I never asked her for anything, but when I sent too many emails to her (probably because down deep I was frantic and worried and stressed and looking for any kind of friend or someone to listen), she called me needy. The St Vincent De Paul society came through for me and gave me a 30 day bus pass so I could get to the soup kitchen and pantry. Finally, I could eat daily! I remember the first day I stood in line with homeless people, men and women were all in the same boat as me. In fact, I was better off because even though I may have to park in parking lots, I had a bed that went with me everywhere.

The abandoned parking lot that my RV in far background made home for Thanksgiving Day.

Through it all, the woman I loved would call once in a while, talk about how hectic her work schedule was, how awful her patients were from time to time, going out to eat with other friends, how she didn’t understand why I spent so much time on Facebook even though I have told her a thousand times it is how I network and sell my books and market my blog. She would tell me that I wasn’t hearing her when she was telling me what she wanted/needed. I’d think to myself that I was starving, had been in the hospital and she couldn’t even call me and she wanted me to hear HER? This is when I began to realize that I didn’t love her anymore. In fact, I had grown to resent her. All I ever wanted was to be accepted, to be given some kind of affection … a hug once in a while. In six months, I haven’t been hugged, kissed or even touched first by her. She said to me one day, “you know if you had a car we’d see more of each other.” She hadn’t even listened to me talk about not being able to afford food or rent or having chest pains before I went in the hospital … but she thought if I had a car we could see more of each other.

Don’t get me wrong. Through the entire ordeal of the last 9 months of my life, I have a lot to be thankful for. I heard God speak to me and I’ve been able to let go of a lot of pain and agony from my life, especially my childhood. This woman who has hurt me so many times also helped me by being the catalyst that pushed me to these things … so I don’t regret knowing her or coming here, but I realize that the time of being useful to each other has passed. I can learn nothing else from her now. It’s time to move on.

In the last six months I have published 6 books and I have 2 more on the way. In June I started this blog, which now has over 2100 followers. I have a fan page with almost 500 fans and nearly 500 followers on Twitter too. I am getting back on my feet now and I have that to be thankful for. My old dog may not be what he used to be, but he understands how to show me that he loves me and I’m really thankful for his hugs and his kisses.

Today, I am thankful for this parking lot. There’s a guy in a car parked not far away. He’s drinking straight from a bottle of booze in the front seat. I bet he hates his life today. It’s sad. I should but I don’t. I feel sorry for this guy. Here I sit, with paper and pen – I’ll type it out tomorrow when somewhere with wifi is open. I’m armed with my cell phone and I am alive. I have food. There is a bed in here. I don’t want or need much else, except I guess to be loved for who and what I am. For someone to realize that this simple way of life is sort of what I am best at. I survive for a living in many ways.

Today, I want to remind you all that you should be thankful for what you have. Be thankful if you have love. Be thankful for every friend you have ever had, every person you have ever loved regardless of how it ended because they served a purpose in your life. If you don’t see that, then you have not learned your lesson. If you forget the butter or the rolls today, tomorrow and or any other day, eat the rolls with gravy instead. Be thankful you are eating because there are many who do not. There were a lot of people who had no one around or a big meal to boast about on Thanksgiving day.

Just CHOOSE to be okay with what you have! You will survive. You’d be surprised at what we can survive when we have to. God bless you all, from my parking lot to your home … remember that we are all just temporarily parked in the parking lot of life and eventually our space will be vacant. Enjoy the parking lot while you can.

 

Love,

Jesse

Categories: life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 29 Comments

I Wrote Your Name On A Balloon

Have you ever been at someone’s side as they died? Have you watched the breath escape their body and hear the rattle as their body shudders to a halt? I have. I know death and know the things that people speak about in their last moments. I remember hearing the stories of her youth, watching the tears well in her eyes remembering an old dog she had as a child. Her memories, good and bad, were everything to her at that time, as her long life was drawing to a close.

The lessons that I’ve learned in my life are not the same as you will learn because our purposes here are different. I think all souls are beautiful but I don’t think all people are. Sometimes I’m amazed at people’s inability to see the world outside of themselves. Sometimes I am even more amazed when they have convinced themselves that they do.

Here is what I know. My past experiences have made me who I am today. Every thought and every decision I make are based on the experiences in my life that I have been through, good or bad. True, I have choices, but my choices are a product of the things I have learned to be true. My past IS my truth. I owe the past a debt for teaching me, for bringing me here to where I stand now. Am I perfect? Certainly not and I have never professed to be so. I’m human. I was made to make mistakes. I’m beautiful in my constant state of imperfection and I’m okay with me.

Do I over react? Sometimes I do and sometimes I have been the voice of reason in the lives of other people. I suppose it is a trade-off?

What have I learned most recently? To honor my truth. As I said, my past IS my truth. I don’t have to live in the past in order to honor it. I need to pay attention to what I have learned, in order to honor myself … and in doing so, I honor my past as well as my present and my future. Time is not a straight line. Neither am I.

Here is what I promise to honor in my future; the truths I need to uphold in my life:

 

  1. I will never again date anyone who does not openly identify as lesbian and is proud of that fact. I feel that this is important to the cause of gay rights, it is important to the gay youth who need positive role models, it is important to the people in the closet who need that reassurance that there are people out here who will embrace them and lastly … because it is important to change the world. I also feel it is something that I need to have in a healthy relationship.
  2. I will never ask someone to lay low in my life or not be my friend because someone that I am dating, or going to date, isn’t comfortable with my friendship with you. I don’t care if you are an ex or just a friend or someone I had a one night stand with. There are two of them on my Facebook page now and I have no intentions of getting rid of them. If you can’t trust me then we have nothing to begin with.
  3. Never again will I defend myself to someone over and over. I am who I am and if you don’t like it, hit the road. This is my new motto.
  4. I’ll never apologize for my past, because without it I wouldn’t be here. It is part of me, it reminds me when I move in the right direction or the wrong direction. I learn my own lessons, at my own pace, without someone else having to point it out to me.
  5. I will live my life for me. Never again will I conform to what someone else wants me to be, do, think, feel, wear, eat, read, learn, play or see. If someone doesn’t honor me, as I am, and bring positive to my life, then I will leave them behind.
  6. I will never, ever hide who I am ever again. I will never again date someone who cannot happily introduce me to someone as their date, their girlfriend or partner. I’ll never again be a shadow in someone’s life.
  7. I will only date femme women who clearly understand the butch femme dynamic and have done it before, get it and know how to treat a butch woman and honor me for who and what I am.
  8. At the sign of the first red flags, I am going to trust my intuition and walk away. I am going to listen to my gut and stop hanging around too long, expecting a different result from the same situation.

 

These are just a few of the things that are going to be a part of the new me. I don’t need someone in my life. I’m truly a very happy person alone most of the time. My life is going along really well and even though things are tough right this very moment, I don’t foresee this lasting much longer. Physically, I feel fantastic. Emotionally, I feel stronger than I have in a long time. I’m standing up for me, what is right for me and what I need. It may not be right for others and that’s fine. I honor you and your truth, even if you don’t think I do. As I said before, I think all souls are beautiful and I wish you well on the journey of your soul.

Recently I was questioned why I said I was spiritual and have also said I’m an atheist. I’m going to clarify this while I’m at it today. I do not believe in heaven, hell or God in the sense that Christians believe in those things. I do not need “God” to be spiritual. My thoughts on religion are not good, in all honesty. I subscribe to thoughts more along the line of Taoism or Buddhism. I believe in reincarnation, I believe in a progression of the soul. I believe in learning to be a better person. I know I am not perfect but I honestly really do my best to learn and evolve. I do try to work on my short comings and I try to be a good person overall.

I’ve been called mean by two people in my life. They were both people who made me uncomfortable, insulted me over and over without even realizing that they were doing it, didn’t listen to me when I tried to tell them how I felt, and just generally were people that I should never have had in my life to begin with. The red flags were flapping in the wind and I just kept ignoring them. As a result, I believe that I acted out and really was mean to them. For that I apologize. I should have let you go sooner.

This morning I wrote your name on a balloon and I released it. I watched it fly away, to heights unknown. I honored you as I did this. I released your soul to move on and follow the path that you need to follow. I will not hold you back. I wished you well and I was happy for you. I pray that you’ll have a care free life, that you will find your health again and that you will do what we are meant to do, spread your wings and fly.

Categories: death, equal rights, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Moving Forward By Moving On

Sometimes we KNOW the answers to the issues going on in our lives but it takes friends to help point those things out to us. Perhaps we don’t always want to face those truths because it seems like we are admitting failure or that we’ve made wrong choices. Sometimes it might mean that we really don’t know where we are or why we are there and that can be a very scary thing.

Readily I will admit that I am a handful. I’m a butch lesbian and we’re not always easy to figure out. We are walking enigmas and it isn’t because we choose to be, we just are. We are part of many different worlds and sometimes we don’t even know our feelings. We’re tough on the outside and like melted chocolate on the inside. We cry more than you do. If a butch lets you see her cry…she really trusts you, because like men…we hide our feelings. Part of us feels like we have to be tough. Our estrogen reminds us that we’re girls, sometimes when we least expect it. Most of us wear our hearts on our sleeve and get hurt very easily.

A friend pointed out to me last night that when we are brought up in a Christian society with Christian values, that we are often taught that we should be self-sacrificing – that this is a virtue all should seek to have. We carry this into our personal and private lives to the point of actually being detrimental to our own spiritual well-being. We sacrifice our own needs to please the people that we are with, thinking that this is the right way to go about making relationships “work”. We give to others when we often have needs of our own that are being neglected. Somehow we think that this is okay. We convince ourselves that this is what we must do in order to find happiness. Is it really making us happy?

Ask yourself how many times you have been in a relationship where you felt that you compromised your time, your energy and your feelings without getting much, if anything, given back to you. How easily did you slip into this habit of apologizing for your own feelings? How often have you found yourself in the role of setting aside YOUR time, YOUR wants and YOUR feelings just to be with someone who took those things from you readily without ever offering to give this back to you in return?

The funny thing about those people is that they justify it in a way that makes you actually feel guilty for having your own wants and needs. These people can manipulate you in ways that you don’t even see until DAYS later sometimes. If you are lucky, you’ll see it in days. Sometimes it takes years to realize that you’ve been in a relationship where you gave up so much of yourself just to be with that person. Some times you even question your own thoughts and belief system because they make you feel that your beliefs are somehow wrong, just because they are different from theirs. You find yourself thinking that there must be something WRONG with yourself and your views. You begin to feel as if you are always defending yourself and when you do, the other person is offended by this. It’s as if ‘how dare you have feelings that I don’t share and feel you have the right to express them and make ME feel bad’ and you begin thinking that everything about yourself is wrong somehow.

You begin to change yourself in ways to feel accepted. You convince yourself that you are making positive changes in your life and you rationalize that change is good. You forget that the reasons for the change may not actually be positive. Change is never good when you are doing it to seek acceptance from someone else. In the end you simply feel manipulated and you’ll realize that the person you were trying to ingratiate yourself to really doesn’t care as much about your feelings as you do about theirs and everything is really totally one-sided.

People say that you shouldn’t have expectations or that you shouldn’t do something for someone else and expect something in return. I say that for friendships and in family situations this might hold true, but in a relationship you should absolutely have expectations of reciprocation. If there isn’t give AND take then it simply isn’t a relationship at all…it’s just you trying to make another person happy while they continue to take whatever you are willing to give.

I have more respect for myself than this. I am 44 years old and I have FINALLY reached the point in my life where I am no longer willing to accept that I am here to please someone else all the time while they have no regard for my emotional or physical needs. If you are not here for me when I need you, if you are emotionally unavailable and indifferent to my feelings, then I just don’t need you in my life.

I’m actually quite happy being alone. Eventually, someday someone will come along that understands that I don’t want someone to change me, judge me, evaluate me, observe me, critique me, point out my flaws, analyze me, tell me what’s wrong with me, try to improve me, or expect my time without giving me theirs. I don’t need someone to  tell me that they are too tired to think about planning anything with me and put all the planning on me – because it makes me feel that I’m not worth your time or your energy. I AM worth someone’s time…perhaps just not yours. I’m special and I deserve someone who treats me that way and makes me feel important in their life, rather than me always being the one making them feel important in mine. I AM more than an option!

Categories: gay lesbian | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Jaded Just Enough

Life is a beautiful journey. Embrace it.

There comes a time in our lives where, if we are lucky, we question ourselves; question our own motives and our reasons for existence. This doesn’t mean that we are jaded, and if we we think of ourselves in such a way then maybe it is actually a good thing? If we don’t question these things, then I would humbly suggest that we are not truly living. Knowing one’s place in the world is perhaps one of the greatest mysteries of life, yet it probably doesn’t have to be.

Perhaps it is from the wisdom of age that I have come to realize that life is not an appointment, nor is it a goal? Life is not an “achievement” or any one specific event. Life is a process of learning that is ever continuous and evolving. There is no perfect life, for perfection is subjective. What is right for one may be completely wrong for another. Life is a constant flow of energy, and even in death that energy doesn’t subside, it merely changes from one form of existence to another.

People come and go from our lives in order that we may have learning experiences. Our path and their path are quite different. At some points, our paths may cross and they may even run parallel to one another for a short period of time (even 50 years is but a bat of an eye in the realm of time and space), but eventually we part. This is an inevitable part of existence. Your soul and my soul may touch each other deeply and even have connections from previous lives, but we may not stay together, we must not. For in doing so, in clinging to another when the time has come to move on, we hold their soul back and keep them from continuing their journey and moving on to their next life lessons. Even more cruelly, we do the same thing to ourselves.

Knowing when to part ways is possibly the hardest part of the human condition. Our human form is encumbered with emotions that our soul does not necessarily get bogged down with. As humans, we want to be part of something. We find ourselves wishing for others to bring us happiness and quiet our fears. The fact is that our souls already know calm and quiet. Turning inward is the only true way to find peace and happiness, it will not come from beyond and outside of our own self. Many people go through life unable to take a true look at themselves and never fully learn that love begins with self.

This does not mean, by any means, that we think of ourselves as infallible or that we have learned every lesson. That is completely impossible. Humans are flawed. Do not be insulted that I say so. While it is true that we are flawed, it is also true that there is much beauty in imperfection and that indeed “perfection lies in the imperfection”. It is our imperfections that make us individuals and unique. Our ability to accept these imperfections and move on, learn lessons and assimilate the best from all lessons is what makes us successful human beings.

So when is it time to move on? I would say that for me, this is a lesson that I have been working on learning, diligently, for the past three years of my existence. After staying in two failing relationships that lasted over 6 and 7 years, respectively, the Universe saw fit to teach me some lessons in how to move on. Mind you, a person must be open to these lessons, or the Universe will continue to throw it at you over and over until you do. At some point, it may get quite painful for you. I assure you that when you finally “get it”, you will have a feeling of calm wash over you as the realization hits home. That’s when you’ll know what is right.

For me, the realizations often hit me as what I like to describe as ‘having an epiphany’. It’s like a bolt of thunder audible to only my own ears, something people often refer to as that “ah-ha moment”. When that inner voice says to you, “Why are you here? This IS NOT where you want to be is it?”  and you can stand and say, “No…in fact it isn’t, let’s go find out where I DO want to be”, that is when you’ll know it is time to move on. You’ll know it is the right decision when you feel relieved the instant you have moved on in your heart and with your feet. Whether it is a job you hate, a home you no longer find joy in, or a dinner conversation with someone that you suddenly realize being around only makes you feel stressed and unhappy…. when there is no joy to be found, it is time to move on.

 

 

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