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Posts Tagged With: relationships

Growing Old Is Getting Old

 

It has been a wild ride, these last 50+ years. This winter, the shoulder pain has been tougher than ever. CBD oil helps immensely though!. If you’ve not tried it, I highly recommend it. The oil helps my ADD and pain. I also recommend turmeric with curcumin. That stuff is an amazing natural anti-inflammatory and scientists agree that it has benefits and warrants more research. It works wonders for arthritis and joint pains from injury. Aches and pains are just there to remind us of the fun we’ve had I suppose, but growing old really does get old some days!

It’s good to be back here in a space I have always held so near to my heart. Butch Ramblings was my healing journey and my happiness. Ramblings was my home for a long time. I blogged my way through isolation, heartache, stupidity, growing pains and more. Someone once said to me that it was’ time I settled down and put down roots somewhere.’ That life isn’t meant for everyone. It isn’t meant for me. I’m an adventurer.

Don’t let people tell you what to do. You do what is best for yourself and you’ll always be fine. Trust me on that. These are my roots right here. This is my legacy. This website will be around long after I am gone. Hopefully that won’t be for a little while yet. On the other hand, if it happens tomorrow, I’m prepared. I’ve lived a good life and I’ve come to terms with most of the lessons I have learned along this path. I’ve had ups and I have had downs.

I’ve had many sleepless nights. I’ve had other nights where I have slept like a log. I have awakened with clarity over things I had been worried about. I’ve ruminated over a decision for far too long. I have still made the wrong choice. In fact, I’ve made a lot of bad choices. I’ve also made some pretty damned great choices. The universe is awesome that way because there is balance in everything we do. The wisdom that we receive, once we are open to it, is pretty amazing.

I have heard people whine about losing their trust of others. I’ve seen people place blame on everyone else in their life for all the messed up shit they have been neck deep in for years. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and realize that you’ve been an asshole to everyone around you and that’s why nobody sticks around. At some point you choose to trust or not to. You either get tired of living a life that is an empty shell or you get down in it and get dirty. Bathe in the mud!

I’m a mud bather. I admit it. If shit gets deep, I’ll swim out into it a little further just to see how deep it will get. I figure once I have some mud on my boots I may as well get really dirty. I take chances on people. I walk away from people fast too. Things that will get me to walk away fast are people who become passive aggressive. People who don’t know when to shut up or respect my space drive me cuckoo too. People who, in every single conversation, relive the past and place blame on other people constantly. That gets old really, really fast. At some point, stop being a victim in your own novel. Choose to be the hero.

That’s all of my deep thoughts for now. I’ll move on to reality. I am living with a friend who is letting me use her place as a staging area before I make a big move that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet. While here, I’m trying to help her as much as possible. She’s getting older and her house has been falling into disarray for the last few years. She broke her back and has had difficulty with mundane tasks. My goal is to do some work, help her put into place some things/processes that will make it easier for her to function, and make sure that she has what she needs to survive. Right now we are in the middle of showering her with Christmas gifts, thanks to so many Facebook friends! I’m so blessed to have really good, caring individuals that I’ve met there and I choose to keep them around in my life! Such GOOD we get accomplished as a tribe! Love and kindness really do go a long way in keeping people in your life.

I have plans to do some wildlife photography soon, while I still can. I’m writing again, while I still can. Last year I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. In other words, the capillaries in the backs of my eyes have been bleeding. It clouds the vision over time. It has slowed drastically with my blood sugar more under control but the odds of me going blind in time are very high. My eyesight is not what it used to be and I have issues already. I miss little typos here and there. The doctors at the Kittner Eye Institue in Chapel Hill, NC,  also noticed that I have a cataract on my left eye. It isn’t really operable and it is from scar tissue, likely from blunt force trauma. Apparently, according to them, I’ve had it my whole life since infancy. It is very old and that explains a lot about my sensitivity to light. Lasting effects from childhood abuse I presume but don’t really know for sure. At any rate, my vision is an issue but I don’t intend to let it stop me. When the time comes, I’ll see about voice recognition software and dictate.

I’ve been playing guitar again over this last year. I promised myself that I’d do something for myself, personally enriching, for my 50th year on the planet. I’m having the time of my life with it. I used to noodle around with some chords a long time ago. I’ve picked guitars up and put them down a dozen times over the years. I never really got enthusiastically involved in practice and learning because I never really knew exactly where to start. Fender Play got me down the right path. Technology is so advanced these days that there are lessons online everywhere and I’m really absorbing them. I love it! Best thing I’ve ever done was to pick it up again.

I have plans to begin submitting articles, with wildlife and outdoor themes, to some magazines in the outdoor genre. I have lost a lot of weight in the last year and gained a little winter weight back but I’m on an indoor bike trainer that I was able to plop my Fuji mountain bike on so I am hoping to get that weight right back off plus some more. My mental state is free and easy these days. I’m not running from anything or to anything. I just AM. It’s a great place to be! I’m living life for me. I spread a little joy here and there and just work on being the best me that I can be. If everyone else did that, the world would be such a better place! Don’t you all agree?

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Categories: ADHD, aging, child abuse, death, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

What This Butch Is Into

Hey everyone!

I get asked a LOT of questions. Some of them get pretty personal sometimes. I’m a fairly open person ( more open than the woman I love would prefer me to be most of the time ) so I am going to try to sum it all up for you all. In the future when people ask me, I’ll just send them the link to this blog. 🙂

First of all, I’ll add most anyone as a friend on Facebook. The reason for this is NETWORKING. It’s called social networking! I am a writer and the easiest and cheapest way for me to market my books is by using Facebook and by doing this blog!

The downside to adding so many people, especially those who are already readers of my books, is that they can get pretty flirtatious and overly nosy. When someone requests that I add them and within 2 minutes I start getting messages from them that start off as “so what is your type of woman?”, I know I’m in trouble. I find myself caught between hurting someone’s feelings, having to block them if they don’t quit, or actually pissing them off. I’ve inadvertently done the latter. I don’t mean to.

You see, even though I write the type of books that I do, I’m a bit awkward in social situations and relationships and/or interactions with other people. I’m not good at it! Don’t believe me? Stick around a lil’ while and you’ll see! I’m just a person. I make mistakes and I’m socially awkward from time to time. I like people and I’m outgoing most of the time but I’m also very reclusive sometimes and keep a lot to myself.

So let me make this as clear as I can. First of all: I am not single. I realize that my status on Facebook says that I am single. That’s simply because I’m not at the place with the person that I’m seeing, to be able to make any declarations about status. SHE thinks that stuff is pretty stupid and I see her point. It puts me, however, in the position of constantly having to explain myself. SHE thinks it is no one’s business. Again, I see her point but I do feel like I owe people an explanation when I have 1700 ‘friends’ who are mostly fans, plus an additional 460 fans on a fan page and another 400 people on Twitter who follow me. You all deserve to know the truth, I think? Maybe it’s just that I’m tired of being asked?

The truth? You can’t handle the truth! (sorry, I just had to go there!) Seriously, Jack Nicholson jokes aside, I moved from another state to be where I am not because I love this woman. I made some mistakes and said things that hurt her feelings and dissolved much of her trust in me a few months ago. I’m lucky that she’s even talking to me at all and I realize this. She has made me want to be a better person.

Please, understand that I’ve heard others say this my whole life and it has made me smirk and be overly cynical but I finally get it now! I have never believed in soul mates but I’m beginning to wonder if she is mine … she’s made me grow and change in so many positive ways in just a few short months. She has no idea of the mission she has accomplished! I surely wonder if she’s an angel, at the very least. I know that she was placed in my life by God. I believe this with all my heart. I have a trust and a faith in our relationship that’s hard for me to explain. It doesn’t have to be anything. I don’t need a definition anymore. It is fine just being whatever it is and I see no reason not to just let it evolve however it is going to all by itself. I feel good about taking it slow right now.

Fact is, I love her. The things I feel for her make the things I felt for anyone before seem so insignificant and silly. I trust her, I know she’s there even when she isn’t physically there. So what I’m sexually into is really no one’s business. I’m just into her. That’s all you need to know. I write a LOT of things; loads of different scenarios. Have I lived them all? Done them all? Just dream about them? That’s for me to know and you all to wonder. 😉

I can tell you a few things I’m into:

Being faithful, growing as a person at all times, nerdy books and television shows, politics (please refer to ‘nerdy television shows), chocolate, walking barefoot on the beach, puppy breath, flowers, the simple things in life, fresh air, looking out over 120 acres of corn and remembering where I’m from, nature, warm cookies fresh from the oven, tree hugging, music, laughing babies, borrowing the children of my friends when I need to remember what the world looks like through their eyes, carnivals, bonfires with friends, fishing, the Steelers, eating hotdogs at the ballpark, laughing whenever possible, peace and quiet, the loyalty of an old dog, God (which probably should have been first but I didn’t wanna scare you into thinking this was a sermon), sunrises and sunsets, the mountains, foggy mornings, history, playing with bones – especially those of australopithecus aferensis (again refer to ‘nerdy books’ comment), photography, writing, doing things that make other people smile, driving, helping people when I can, enjoying good conversations with people, learning something new, and being very much in love with a woman that I really hope will be the last person I ever kiss.

Categories: erotica, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

Moving Forward By Moving On

Sometimes we KNOW the answers to the issues going on in our lives but it takes friends to help point those things out to us. Perhaps we don’t always want to face those truths because it seems like we are admitting failure or that we’ve made wrong choices. Sometimes it might mean that we really don’t know where we are or why we are there and that can be a very scary thing.

Readily I will admit that I am a handful. I’m a butch lesbian and we’re not always easy to figure out. We are walking enigmas and it isn’t because we choose to be, we just are. We are part of many different worlds and sometimes we don’t even know our feelings. We’re tough on the outside and like melted chocolate on the inside. We cry more than you do. If a butch lets you see her cry…she really trusts you, because like men…we hide our feelings. Part of us feels like we have to be tough. Our estrogen reminds us that we’re girls, sometimes when we least expect it. Most of us wear our hearts on our sleeve and get hurt very easily.

A friend pointed out to me last night that when we are brought up in a Christian society with Christian values, that we are often taught that we should be self-sacrificing – that this is a virtue all should seek to have. We carry this into our personal and private lives to the point of actually being detrimental to our own spiritual well-being. We sacrifice our own needs to please the people that we are with, thinking that this is the right way to go about making relationships “work”. We give to others when we often have needs of our own that are being neglected. Somehow we think that this is okay. We convince ourselves that this is what we must do in order to find happiness. Is it really making us happy?

Ask yourself how many times you have been in a relationship where you felt that you compromised your time, your energy and your feelings without getting much, if anything, given back to you. How easily did you slip into this habit of apologizing for your own feelings? How often have you found yourself in the role of setting aside YOUR time, YOUR wants and YOUR feelings just to be with someone who took those things from you readily without ever offering to give this back to you in return?

The funny thing about those people is that they justify it in a way that makes you actually feel guilty for having your own wants and needs. These people can manipulate you in ways that you don’t even see until DAYS later sometimes. If you are lucky, you’ll see it in days. Sometimes it takes years to realize that you’ve been in a relationship where you gave up so much of yourself just to be with that person. Some times you even question your own thoughts and belief system because they make you feel that your beliefs are somehow wrong, just because they are different from theirs. You find yourself thinking that there must be something WRONG with yourself and your views. You begin to feel as if you are always defending yourself and when you do, the other person is offended by this. It’s as if ‘how dare you have feelings that I don’t share and feel you have the right to express them and make ME feel bad’ and you begin thinking that everything about yourself is wrong somehow.

You begin to change yourself in ways to feel accepted. You convince yourself that you are making positive changes in your life and you rationalize that change is good. You forget that the reasons for the change may not actually be positive. Change is never good when you are doing it to seek acceptance from someone else. In the end you simply feel manipulated and you’ll realize that the person you were trying to ingratiate yourself to really doesn’t care as much about your feelings as you do about theirs and everything is really totally one-sided.

People say that you shouldn’t have expectations or that you shouldn’t do something for someone else and expect something in return. I say that for friendships and in family situations this might hold true, but in a relationship you should absolutely have expectations of reciprocation. If there isn’t give AND take then it simply isn’t a relationship at all…it’s just you trying to make another person happy while they continue to take whatever you are willing to give.

I have more respect for myself than this. I am 44 years old and I have FINALLY reached the point in my life where I am no longer willing to accept that I am here to please someone else all the time while they have no regard for my emotional or physical needs. If you are not here for me when I need you, if you are emotionally unavailable and indifferent to my feelings, then I just don’t need you in my life.

I’m actually quite happy being alone. Eventually, someday someone will come along that understands that I don’t want someone to change me, judge me, evaluate me, observe me, critique me, point out my flaws, analyze me, tell me what’s wrong with me, try to improve me, or expect my time without giving me theirs. I don’t need someone to  tell me that they are too tired to think about planning anything with me and put all the planning on me – because it makes me feel that I’m not worth your time or your energy. I AM worth someone’s time…perhaps just not yours. I’m special and I deserve someone who treats me that way and makes me feel important in their life, rather than me always being the one making them feel important in mine. I AM more than an option!

Categories: gay lesbian | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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