I push the button to connect and wait for you. You miss the call – typically – and I am sitting here laughing as I know I will get an IM saying something like “oops….try again! LOL”
Chuckling at you, I try again. I hear you answer but it takes a moment to load. Suddenly there you are, looking back at me and I feel myself getting warm all over. You think you are “average” and don’t see yourself the way I do at all. I think you are stunning and you take my breath away.
You don’t know how the things you say about your past hurt me inside. The abuse… I was there for part of it …but when you talk about it or tell me things that I didn’t know about …. it makes me cry. I fight tears in front of you, because I know you’re so proud. I know that you have the same convictions in life that I do. You tell me that these were lessons and that they made you strong. Woman, you are so strong. I see a beauty in you that you will probably never be able to understand, but I want to spend the next 50+ years doing my best to make you see it.
There’s something in your eyes, when you look at me, that makes me tingle all over. No one’s ever looked at me like that. It makes me feel so humble and so happy. You make me see how unbelievably lucky we have both been to find ourselves back to where we are. How many gazillion little things all had to happen in this crazy world in order for us to ever meet in the first place? Then for me to go so far away from you, only to find out that you had never let me go? Who could know I’d be going to somewhat crazy lengths to try to get back to you now? I feel like it’s you….YOU are my destination.
I’ve never believed in having a soul mate. I’ve never believed in any of that. I always just felt like we found someone that we could care about and we called it love. So many things have happened in the last year of my life and I’ve come to learn so much. I finally understood how one single event could set-off a chain of other events. I came to realize that making the wrong choice was okay with God. He let me make a LOT of wrong choices in my life, knowing that I’d eventually figure it all out. He sent people into my world to help teach me those lessons and some of the lessons were very hard. I’ve cried my fair share of tears. I know you have too. Now we have angels working on our behalf to help me get back to you. SO many people that I owe thanks to. I give thanks every night when I crawl into my little sleeping bunk …. then I dream about you.
All of a sudden, here you are again. It was like we collided in a turmoil once before. Both of us in so much of a vacuum in our own lives that we both trapped in our worlds. There was simply no way we could just “happen” back then. It wasn’t going to happen then, but it seems like we both got sent on our own adventure’s and pains, heartbreaks and lessons to learn. Now, here you are in front of me, on my screen … smiling at me and stealing my heart with every smile and each sigh. Do you realize that I’ve told you things and admitted fears to you that I don’t tell anyone else? Do you realize that I’m not AFRAID to tell you those things and that I know beyond a doubt that I am perfectly safe to tell you those things.
I used to say that you were too young for me. I used to think in terms of being human and having an expiration date. You used to tell me that it was just a number and you didn’t care about it – but I did. When we started talking again, I remember telling you about the fears that I had, laying in that hospital bed this summer. I felt your reaction to my words and what you said to me too. I realized for the first time, that day and in that conversation, that you may have a different birth year than I but you are an old soul. You are wise beyond your years about matters of the heart. You understand what is important in this life. I think you are amazing and inspiring.
We keep saying to each other, “you get me.” We both seem equally amazed because for too many years we’ve been told by other people that they didn’t get us. There’s nothing you can’t tell me or I can tell you. Today we talked about our fears. That is a huge thing for me. It’s big for you too…yet we seem to do it with each other like it’s no big deal. I’m reminded that you are my miracle in life. You simply being there, typing to me, talking to me…. you are a miracle.
I told you that I was playing for keeps this time. I will stand by you. I will hold you and I will never let you go.