Posts Tagged With: soul mates

I Won’t Let Go

I push the button to connect and wait for you. You miss the call – typically –  and I am sitting here laughing as I know I will get an IM saying something like “oops….try again! LOL”

Chuckling at you, I try again. I hear you answer but it takes a moment to load. Suddenly there you are, looking back at me and I feel myself getting warm all over. You think you are “average” and don’t see yourself the way I do at all. I think you are stunning and you take my breath away.

You don’t know how the things you say about your past hurt me inside. The abuse… I was there for part of it …but when you talk about it or tell me things that I didn’t know about …. it makes me cry. I fight tears in front of you, because I know you’re so proud. I know that you have the same convictions in life that I do. You tell me that these were lessons and that they made you strong. Woman, you are so strong. I see a beauty in you that you will probably never be able to understand, but I want to spend the next 50+ years doing my best to make you see it.

There’s something in your eyes, when you look at me, that makes me tingle all over. No one’s ever looked at me like that. It makes me feel so humble and so happy. You make me see how unbelievably lucky we have both been to find ourselves back to where we are. How many gazillion little things all had to happen in this crazy world in order for us to ever meet in the first place? Then for me to go so far away from you, only to find out that you had never let me go? Who could know I’d be going to somewhat crazy lengths to try to get back to you now? I feel like it’s you….YOU are my destination.





I’ve never believed in having a soul mate. I’ve never believed in any of that. I always just felt like we found someone that we could care about and we called it love. So many things have happened in the last year of my life and I’ve come to learn so much. I finally understood how one single event could set-off a chain of other events. I came to realize that making the wrong choice was okay with God. He let me make a LOT of wrong choices in my life, knowing that I’d eventually figure it all out. He sent people into my world to help teach me those lessons and some of the lessons were very hard. I’ve cried my fair share of tears. I know you have too. Now we have angels working on our behalf to help me get back to you. SO many people that I owe thanks to. I give thanks every night when I crawl into my little sleeping bunk …. then I dream about you.

All of a sudden, here you are again. It was like we collided in a turmoil once before. Both of us in so much of a vacuum in our own lives that we both trapped in our worlds. There was simply no way we could just “happen” back then. It wasn’t going to happen then, but it seems like we both got sent on our own adventure’s and pains, heartbreaks and lessons to learn. Now, here you are in front of me, on my screen … smiling at me and stealing my heart with every smile and each sigh. Do you realize that I’ve told you things and admitted fears to you that I don’t tell anyone else? Do you realize that I’m not AFRAID to tell you those things and that I know beyond a doubt that I am perfectly safe to tell you those things.

I used to say that you were too young for me. I used to think in terms of being human and having an expiration date. You used to tell me that it was just a number and you didn’t care about it – but I did. When we started talking again, I remember telling you about the fears that I had, laying in that hospital bed this summer. I felt your reaction to my words and what you said to me too. I realized for the first time, that day and in that conversation, that you may have a different birth year than I but you are an old soul. You are wise beyond your years about matters of the heart. You understand what is important in this life. I think you are amazing and inspiring.

We keep saying to each other, “you get me.” We both seem equally amazed because for too many years we’ve been told by other people that they didn’t get us. There’s nothing you can’t tell me or I can tell you. Today we talked about our fears. That is a huge thing for me. It’s big for you too…yet we seem to do it with each other like it’s no big deal. I’m reminded that you are my miracle in life. You simply being there, typing to me, talking to me…. you are a miracle.

I told you that I was playing for keeps this time. I will stand by you. I will hold you and I will never let you go.

Categories: death, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , , | 8 Comments

What This Butch Is Into

Hey everyone!

I get asked a LOT of questions. Some of them get pretty personal sometimes. I’m a fairly open person ( more open than the woman I love would prefer me to be most of the time ) so I am going to try to sum it all up for you all. In the future when people ask me, I’ll just send them the link to this blog. 🙂

First of all, I’ll add most anyone as a friend on Facebook. The reason for this is NETWORKING. It’s called social networking! I am a writer and the easiest and cheapest way for me to market my books is by using Facebook and by doing this blog!

The downside to adding so many people, especially those who are already readers of my books, is that they can get pretty flirtatious and overly nosy. When someone requests that I add them and within 2 minutes I start getting messages from them that start off as “so what is your type of woman?”, I know I’m in trouble. I find myself caught between hurting someone’s feelings, having to block them if they don’t quit, or actually pissing them off. I’ve inadvertently done the latter. I don’t mean to.

You see, even though I write the type of books that I do, I’m a bit awkward in social situations and relationships and/or interactions with other people. I’m not good at it! Don’t believe me? Stick around a lil’ while and you’ll see! I’m just a person. I make mistakes and I’m socially awkward from time to time. I like people and I’m outgoing most of the time but I’m also very reclusive sometimes and keep a lot to myself.

So let me make this as clear as I can. First of all: I am not single. I realize that my status on Facebook says that I am single. That’s simply because I’m not at the place with the person that I’m seeing, to be able to make any declarations about status. SHE thinks that stuff is pretty stupid and I see her point. It puts me, however, in the position of constantly having to explain myself. SHE thinks it is no one’s business. Again, I see her point but I do feel like I owe people an explanation when I have 1700 ‘friends’ who are mostly fans, plus an additional 460 fans on a fan page and another 400 people on Twitter who follow me. You all deserve to know the truth, I think? Maybe it’s just that I’m tired of being asked?

The truth? You can’t handle the truth! (sorry, I just had to go there!) Seriously, Jack Nicholson jokes aside, I moved from another state to be where I am not because I love this woman. I made some mistakes and said things that hurt her feelings and dissolved much of her trust in me a few months ago. I’m lucky that she’s even talking to me at all and I realize this. She has made me want to be a better person.

Please, understand that I’ve heard others say this my whole life and it has made me smirk and be overly cynical but I finally get it now! I have never believed in soul mates but I’m beginning to wonder if she is mine … she’s made me grow and change in so many positive ways in just a few short months. She has no idea of the mission she has accomplished! I surely wonder if she’s an angel, at the very least. I know that she was placed in my life by God. I believe this with all my heart. I have a trust and a faith in our relationship that’s hard for me to explain. It doesn’t have to be anything. I don’t need a definition anymore. It is fine just being whatever it is and I see no reason not to just let it evolve however it is going to all by itself. I feel good about taking it slow right now.

Fact is, I love her. The things I feel for her make the things I felt for anyone before seem so insignificant and silly. I trust her, I know she’s there even when she isn’t physically there. So what I’m sexually into is really no one’s business. I’m just into her. That’s all you need to know. I write a LOT of things; loads of different scenarios. Have I lived them all? Done them all? Just dream about them? That’s for me to know and you all to wonder. 😉

I can tell you a few things I’m into:

Being faithful, growing as a person at all times, nerdy books and television shows, politics (please refer to ‘nerdy television shows), chocolate, walking barefoot on the beach, puppy breath, flowers, the simple things in life, fresh air, looking out over 120 acres of corn and remembering where I’m from, nature, warm cookies fresh from the oven, tree hugging, music, laughing babies, borrowing the children of my friends when I need to remember what the world looks like through their eyes, carnivals, bonfires with friends, fishing, the Steelers, eating hotdogs at the ballpark, laughing whenever possible, peace and quiet, the loyalty of an old dog, God (which probably should have been first but I didn’t wanna scare you into thinking this was a sermon), sunrises and sunsets, the mountains, foggy mornings, history, playing with bones – especially those of australopithecus aferensis (again refer to ‘nerdy books’ comment), photography, writing, doing things that make other people smile, driving, helping people when I can, enjoying good conversations with people, learning something new, and being very much in love with a woman that I really hope will be the last person I ever kiss.

Categories: erotica, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 15 Comments

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