Dear friends, fans and followers,
As many of you are quite aware, I’ve posted relatively nothing new here in about a year. I took time off because I needed some time to heal, absorb things and make some sense out of my world. I’ve also been involved in some business dealings that have been quite the kerfuffle, with legalities, politics and more. I have begun to feel like a secret agent with all my contacts in other countries and within our own government. I really wish that I could go into details, but if I told you I would then have to kill you. 😉
So I came back to Illinois and endured some fierce cold almost 2 years ago. I was in touch with Jo still but have since completely broken ties and think I’ve probably got her blocked all the way around now, so that she can’t even be an ant at my picnic anymore. I feel good about it and I feel that moving on was the right thing for me and I have not looked back.
My ex-girlfriend from 20+ years ago and I were in touch for about one year. Ellen, as it turns out, hasn’t changed much in those twenty years. In fact, I think she might possibly be MORE tormented than she was back then. She’s no longer speaking to me because after about a one week escapade of her calling me several nights in a row and talking about gloom and doom and how suicidal she felt, I finally gave the Suicide Hotline her address and phone number and asked them to try to deal with it and help her.
I knew it was probably futile and I told the woman on the phone that she’d be dealing with an highly intelligent, mentally ill person who honestly was going to chew her up and spit her out. Turns out I was right about that. I received a nasty message stating “never contact me again” and I was strangely okay with that. I suppose after all the drama that she was bringing and laying at my feet, I was glad to be done with it? I had gotten what I needed from it, which was knowing that the child I had helped her bring into the world at Bayfront Medical Center all those years ago was fine. Complete closure for me…that’s two notches. Let’s move on…
I let myself get involved with another woman which I quickly learned was a complete train wreck of a situation and I got out of that very quickly. Apparently I have learned some important lessons about getting out of a bad situation quickly? Make that three notches on the post for me so far this year! Moving right along….
A woman in England started chatting me up one day. I really liked her but things seemed sort of one-sided. I was going to go there to meet her. She made it clear that she wouldn’t be the first one to travel anywhere. Red flag number one. She found out her daughter was pregnant and kept going on and on about how she didn’t look like a grandmother and it all began to center around how she had raised her kids, was not going to be stuck babysitting and that she didn’t even want to be called grandmother. Conceit because another red flag, as well as ego issues. Eventually we got into it a little over the fact that she let her friends dictate to her just how involved with me she should be and she became more worried about their opinions than my feelings. I ended it. Yay for me! More proof that I had learned lessons! Make that FOUR notches in my post for the year and mooooo-ving right along!
As some of you may recall, I lost Captain shortly after getting back in Illinois. I have since been acquired by an old dachshund named Harley, a 13 inch beagle named Hannah who just turned one year old, and Jack Russell terrier named Hank who is such a little love. They drive me crazy sometimes, especially Hannah because she’s so young and full of energy but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They’ve helped me heal from many wounds.
When I parked this RV here again, if my emotional wounds and scars had been visible, I’d have looked like someone who had been horse-whipped and drug behind one. I’ve always been a strong person. I’ve gotten even stronger over the years, but I have literally been at my breaking point many, many times over this past year.
The children have also healed me. Again, they make me crazy sometimes but there is simply nothing more soothing nor healing for me as the hug of a two year old who lays her head on my shoulder, wraps her arm around my neck and pulls me close to her as I carry her. The level of trust and love overwhelms me and brings me to the verge of tears so many times. I’ve been blessed to hold an infant many times in the past few weeks and look into his beautiful, blue eyes. When he smiles at me I melt into a puddle of emotion. At the bottom of that puddle I found peace and love brought me back to the surface.
Several weeks back, a few months now already, I was very blessed to find myself talking more and more to someone whom I had actually had a crush on for a while. You all know what I’m talking about and I know it. You KNOW….that person who you see in your Facebook feed and you always have to stop and look at what they say. Sometimes you find yourself looking at their pictures and thinking how lucky their girlfriend or significant other is. Maybe you even feel a little twinge of jealousy? Well…I admit it. I did feel all those things.
I’d see her post all these sweet things over the past year or so about her spouse. I admired the way she was so devoted and loyal. Drove me a little crazy because I wanted that with someone and I also thought that she was very beautiful. I was attracted but I’m a very old-fashioned person. I don’t flirt with someone that I know is with someone else. That’s bad juju and you just don’t do it! Well, one day on my wall, lo and behold, she posted that it was over. I won’t go into why, but I can tell you that it surely wasn’t her fault.
I found myself in a conundrum. I wanted to talk to her SO bad and at the same time I wanted to be respectful. After typing and erasing about a dozen messages, I finally sent one of them and then I sat back and nearly had a nervous breakdown wondering if I’d hear from her. I literally, and I’ve told her this, sat there and had a discussion with myself trying to get the balls to send this message to her. I said to myself, “well, maybe you SHOULD reach out and go after someone. For almost 20 years you’ve let women chase you and that hasn’t exactly been working out for ya…” SO….I did it….I made the first move.
A few moments went by and holy cow, I got a response. Now let me assure you that it was all very respectful. I expressed my sympathy for what happened and what she was going through. She thanked me. We had some very nice discussions. Eventually, we both sort of realized that we were moving beyond just friends and I have to say that she is absolutely, hands down, the most amazing person I have ever come to know and when it comes to my past choices….I think that I finally got this one right.
So….there is the last year in a nutshell. So what now? I am happy to say that the business side of things is paying off and that very soon, probably a matter of days, my income will again be freed up and I’ll be in a very good place financially. My chains will be cut away and once again this bird is free to fly. I’ll be headed to the eastern coast of the upper United States. That is where the mystery lady resides. For now, I’m keeping things just between her and I for a lot of reasons. Perhaps that is another thing that I’ve learned?? 😉
My plan is to spend time there while some family things are resolved and just bide my time. I do have some business things that will be happening as well, but now is not the time for me to disclose them. I will say that many people are going to be shocked and excited all at the same time. It is ALL good, folks. Honest.
To start things off on the correct foot, I’ve given the blog an updated look. I’m taking on more of a warm and inviting look, rather than the pained and hard-edged look that it had before. In the last year I believe that I have changed drastically in the way I see things and feel things. I feel happier and kinder. I feel ready to move on and settle down a little. So there you go…a new look and a new outlook. This holiday season, from Halloween thru New Year’s Eve is going to be a whole new start for me. The world has taken on new colors and they are all happy.
I’d like to ask you all to please, share my blog with friends and in groups that you belong to. There are many more adventures coming, as well as plans for three books I have in my head and need to get on paper! This blog is essentially free and takes a lot of time, which was also part of the reason that I stopped doing it for so long. I’m now in the position that I can afford to do it again! What little I receive from advertising only pays the fees for keeping the URL and the site going. I appreciate all your shares. Also, don’t forget to come by Facebook and like my fan page www.facebook.com/mybutchworld