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New Year, New Plan

Nothing but open roads to explore.

Unlike most people, I’m not interested in making resolutions at the beginning of a new year. I believe that we should always strive to be better and practice self-reflection. Humans have adapted to this behavior of acting out and then asking for forgiveness. People have truly forgotten how to live in the moment. No resolutions for me, only living in the moments as they present themselves.

Part of learning to live in the moment is believing that you are where you are always supposed to be. Sometimes that is a hard thing to do, especially when nothing is going right, and the world seems to be conspiring against you. Try thinking about it differently. Think that the world is conspiring to move you.

In fact, when life keeps trying to move you and you don’t listen, the lessons you are being taught get harsher until you do listen. If you never learn anything else, learn this.

When it is time for you to move toward something else, the universe
conspires to do everything it can to push you along on your journey. We get stuck sometimes. Some of us spend most of our lives stuck. Don’t be stuck in anything. Be willing to change. Change is an important part of life because along with change comes learning.

Some people refer to this as the ability to adapt. Science calls it survival of the fittest’ and it doesn’t always mean physical fitness. Mental fitness is likely to be more important. My father always said, “If you work smart, you never have to work hard.” I wish I knew where he had originally heard the expression because it has stuck with me for my entire life. I’d like to thank the person that he learned it from because it has served me very well.

I’m making a few changes in this upcoming year. As you know, I’m a wanderer.

I’ve been waiting to announce plans that will blow you away. I’m moving to Alaska! Yes, Alaska. You read that correctly.

I have a friend that I’ve known since just before a couple of years before my father died. Jake is a great guy and we used to hang out all the time, doing what 26-year-olds do; not much really, but having fun doing it. We had a lot of fun. He was there for me when my foot was crushed working at K-mart distribution in Ocala, FL. K-mart denied the entire incident, by the way, because my supervisor, Ed, failed to type a written report when I went to tell him about it the accident. I finished my shift, but I developed a horrible limp which turned out to be the tendon being torn from the bottom of my foot.

I walked with a crutch for quite a long time and it was years before my foot felt normal. Jake was the one who showed-up at my door with a couple of bags of groceries for me, knowing that I was struggling without me every even telling him I had little to nothing in the house. He was just always that guy. He’s also gay, but the sort of gay man that most of society never guesses at a glance because he’s big and rugged looking. He looks like Garth Brooks’ younger brother.

He and I lost track of each other through the early 2000s, but I eventually tracked him down again and we have kept in touch through phone calls and text messages. A year ago, he had cancer and went through treatment. He had part of his liver removed and he also lost part of a lung. He’s come through it okay so far but cancer changes people. Life changes people too.

He contacted me and poured his heart out. He’s sick of the rat race, the political crap, the hate crimes, the hatred and anger in the world. He has a void inside him that he wants to fill with something. He’s soul searching like we all do. I feel it too. Each word that poured out of him, I could relate to. Not wanting to date anyone anymore or really want to be with anyone at all, not really caring about partying, pleasing people or compromising what I want for what others want and see as normal.

His words sank in and I felt them more than I heard them. I felt my soul stirring. I wanted away from it all too. There’s a certain peacefulness that washes over you when you decide that you aren’t going to buy into the rat race.

It’s the same as realizing that when you stop interacting with a narcissist and feeding their desire to get in your head for attention that you are happy without them. When they move your stuff, throw your things in the trash, get loud, and demand your attention, ignoring them and going ghost is what makes them the most crazy and gives you the most peace. 

I digress. We had a few conversations like this and suddenly one day he asked me if I’d go to Alaska with him. He wants to live more in tune with nature and less with civilization. He wants to hunt and fish and just ‘be’ and I can so relate to that. He also wants to be alone most of the time but understands the sense of security in having people around that you can trust. I said yes.

I had always harbored a desire to see Alaska and we all know here that I don’t just go visit anywhere, I move there. I live there and get to know the place, the people, the places and experiences that are there for me to have. That’s been my life heretofore, but I sense that this move is different. Jake is planning on three of us going but all having our own tiny little cabins and our own 5 acres. That will allow us to have safety and security, while still being on our own.

He is selling his house for the money, and since it was basically a flip house when he bought it, he should be able to sell it quickly and make a handsome profit. That money is buying our 15+ acres and tiny houses. He wants to buy my retirement home, and he’ll deed it to me so that if anything happens to him, it will always be mine.

We’ve discussed whether to be off-grid or not. We don’t really want to be totally off the grid. We’d like to at least have electricity and cell phone service. Outhouses or composting toilets are probably going to be necessary and running water is still being discussed. A well seems necessary, so we’ll see how that shakes out. I’m not opposed to roughing it a little because that just means getting back to basics.

A long time ago, when I took the name Jesse MacGregor-Jones, it was to honor my Celtic roots. My last name came from MacGregor. Jones was my mother’s maiden name, which is Welsh. Jesse is a different spelling of my paternal grandmother, Jessie VanFossen Greer. The name was meant to honor my people because one of the basic tenets of Celtic life and druidism is to always ‘honor those from whom you came’ and I try to do that all the time.

I was born from a long, long line of barbarians, historically speaking. Druidism was the way of life in ancient times and the more I learn about it, the more I relate to it Druids are the people you see depicted on shows like Britannia. Druids were in tune with nature, the moon and the seasons. Druids understood the stars, they were the healers who learned to harness the power of the plant world. Druids kept animals and claimed to hear them speak. Druids were the scholars, the poets, the lawyers of their time. People sought the wisdom of the druids because they were the keepers of knowledge. They were never concerned with wealth or pretenses, only with harmony and they things that would bring them the most peaceful existence. 

I identify with much of druid belief and way of life. I also honor animals of all types. I believe that the earth should be honored and taken care of. I feel joy in the changes of season and the boundaries between worlds feel like they are simply portals that we pass through. Magic seems like a good thing to believe in at a time when hope is all we have sometimes. I choose to believe that magic can happen. Druidism isn’t a religion, it’s a way of living your life. I like that, because I’m not religious – at all.

It’s obvious that I’ve undergone a lot of changes since the time I first started this blog. I’m more in tune and self-aware. I feel less of a need to seek happiness and I’m happier with myself. I’m content in many ways. I don’t feel any intense pressure or pain; my emotions are pretty level and my health is good.

I think a lot of my past issues with anger and emotional highs and lows was because my blood sugar was drastically out of control. For over a year now, I’ve been on Trulicity. My sugar was normal at my last A1C check. I’ve not had a normal A1C since 2003 or so. The difference in the way I feel is totally amazing. I’m far less irritable and I’ve also worked hard on meditation and learning to be in tune and aware of my feelings. I’m not perfect. No one is perfect, but I have learned to walk away and not engage in an argument. If something doesn’t serve me in some way, or if it causes me anything other than peace and happiness, I leave it alone.

Just as I have undergone changes, my writing has changed. I know that it may come as a sad realization to some of my fans, but I have no desire to write any of the erotica that I used to write. I’m too detached from that part of self now. I simply have no interest in it. Be it a hormonal change (I’m fifty and beyond menopause) or be it an emotional change due to how I view my place in this world, I’m different and I want to write things that are more substantial. I want to write impactful things.

With that, I’ve been authoring articles again and earning more than I ever have before. I’m doing surprisingly well, in fact. I’m also working on a new book. A fictional novel that is more of a fantasy book with a flavor of sorcery and witchcraft. I’ve never undertaken something like this before but I’m enjoying my research so far and the bit that I’ve written.

I am very hopeful to finish this book while staring out a cabin window, somewhere on the Kenai Peninsula. Cold weather really doesn’t bother me and I’m completely willing to take allergy pills, so I can handle a wood burning fire all winter. I’ll enjoy not being on the internet as much and enjoying the outdoors in-between writing articles. I’m looking forward to breathing fresher air, maybe doing some whale watching, and fishing. I’m anxious to see my totem animal. My totem is the salmon.

Yes, I was initially dumbfounded when the salmon found its way into my meditation over a year ago. I asked why I had been given a ‘fish’ instead of something cool like a wolf. I’m convinced that people who constantly refer to wolves as their totem animals are just picking that randomly because the wolf seems like a cool animal. I wanted my totem to speak to me. It did, and I never questioned it, no matter how unimpressed I was with it.

Several months later, I had a dog training client who was Irish. She told me about the ancient Celtic tale of Finn McCool and the Salmon of Knowledge. I read the story, after I easily searched it up on Google. I was totally stunned. First, Finn is mentioned in his Gaelic name, Fionn mac Cumhaill, in the readings I had done in tracing my family tree. He’s spoken of as if he were a member of the family. The lines of truth and myth were often blurred in Celtic lore.

I realized that I have a personal connect with the Salmon of Knowledge and it moved me and tickled my soul. I’ve been awakening. These stories, coincidences and happenings are awakening me. I’m following my destiny, whatever it may be. For now, my novel is taking shape and perhaps it will be a sensation? I don’t know. Perhaps it will change a life or two, which is equally successful in my mind. Maybe I will simply have fun while writing it?

While in Alaska, I also hope to do some photography. Early in life, from age 15 to 20, I took a two-year course to be certified as a graphic artist, with my focus primarily in photography. I was apprenticed to a photographer in my junior year of high school. I have some publications that I can submit nature and outdoor articles to, with photos. I am hopeful of getting published in a few of these.

That’s it, guys! I’m moving to Alaska. I’m going to live in a tiny cabin with my two dogs (and probably will get a larger husky or malamute to keeps us safer). I will have a home that is paid for, without a mortgage. I will be able to put my roots down in a way that serves me, in a place of MY choosing. I’m not running from anyone or to anyone. I’m deciding for self and it feels fucking fantastic!

So here is to a new year, a season of change and a life ahead of me to be lived. I wish you all the success and happiness that you desire this new year. I hope that you will find what profoundly moves you to be the person you are meant to be. I hope that you find love, not ust romantic love but a love of life and of self. Love is the answer.

The druids lived by three basic tenets: Wisdom, Creativity, and Love.

I have always said, “Breathe, Believe, Become”

Categories: aging, Alaska, Druidism, life lessons, love, self-help | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment
 
 

GOP Hack Not Reported For Eight Months!

Retired Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan

The National Republican Congressional Committee was hacked in April 2018. When the hack was discovered, by what has been described as a ‘foreign entity,’ it was not immediately divulged. The hack has exposed thousands of emails that were during a period of several months, sent to and from four senior aids. The hacking stopped as soon as the passwords on their email accounts were changed. The F.B.I. was alerted and is said to be investigating this breech of security. 

Obviously, with the ongoing election issues and the current arguments over voter fraud, this total lack of security is a serious concern. The NRCC chose to wait until after they lost 40 seats and control of the House before disclosing the security breech. 

 It seems tobe a mystery as to who is behind the hack. We have twelve-year-old children hacking voting machines, so it could be anyone. All we do know, what has been disclosed, is that it was a foreign entity. It is being said that it was not a large hack. This doesn’t make me feel better. In fact, it is rather upsetting to think that a hack can happen at all, at federal levels. Do we have anyone who is competent in Washington anymore? High school technology students could do a better job. 

Politico broke the news of the breach and it is unclear if we would have been told about it at all, had they not. This is a clear signal that both parties are still at risk of interference from outside entities. We should all be concerned going into the 2020 election cycle. The individuals impacted by this security breach were House Speaker Paul Ryan of Wisconsin, Representative Kevin McCarthy of California – serving as House majority leader, and Representative Steve Scalise of Louisiana – serving as majority whip, none of whom were even aware of the breach until Politico contacted them for comment. 

Several times since 2016, talks have broken down between both parties when any new bills have been introduced to guard against election hacking and create better safeguards before the midterm elections. We are now seeing the fruits of not passing any protections or safeguards. Case in point, mail-in ballot fraud that appears to be an issue in North Carolina. This has kept the state from ratifying election results for more than a month beyond the elections. There is no decision yet on how the state intends to handle the issues. 

Personally, I have no faith that the 2020 election will be fair or credible. If Trump loses, I don’t expect him to leave without a tantrum. I almost expect military involvement. Part of me even wonders if Republicans wanted someone else looking at their emails. Were they pretending to not know? I certainly do not trust anyone right now, especially Republicans. If Politico had not brought this information to the light, would they have never admitted anything publicly? Are they compromised? Like a lot of other Americans, I’m beginning to think that several senior Republicans are in bed with Russians. They’ve traveled there, they have written letters to them, broken bread with them … what else have they done? 

Categories: American government, Politics | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Origins of Happy Christmas

Just Another Way for Nationalists at to Further Divide?

The word ‘happy’ comes from the word “hap,” which means “luck, or chance, and may imply good fortune. Some of you may have heard the term happenstance? Happenstance synonyms are words and phrases such as, “chance, serendipity, fate, fortuity, fortune, a piece of good fortune, a bit of luck.”

 Happy doesn’t seem so bad, does it?

Happy Christmas is the terminology most frequently used in Europe and was the original way Americans welcomed the holiday.

 “Merry” comes from frequent usage during the 18th and 19th centuries, respectively. The term was often used as a term for having fun and was a way of displaying the emotion of happiness. Therefore, the two words became very interchangeable in most cultures who ever used the word “merry” for anything. Over time, happy took on the more emotional connotation, while merry became the word for expressing that happy feeling.  “Merriment” was the word that referred to the making of merry, which in today’s slang might be referred to as a “party” or as “partying” with younger people.

Standing on Traditions

For those who enjoy fussing about traditions and the terms that are most proper, they should learn a bit about the history of linguistics and look outside of themselves more. The words that you yourself grew up using, are not necessarily ‘proper’ or even ‘traditional’ terms, even in your own country. Just as you may have learned Merry Christmas from the traditional Anglo-Saxon upbringing that came from migrating to the United States several generations ago someone else learned traditional words from their own grandparents who were Dutch. Words also begin to change over time.

The United States of America has become a melting pot of different traditions over the nearly 250 years since its colonization. I will not use the term ‘discovery’ because that is also simply a point of view.
Natives who already called this place home never discovered it. If I take a wrong turn on the way to Cleveland, OH and end-up in Louisville, KY, I didn’t discover Louisville. The people who already live there may take some issue with that! 

I digress. The song Happy Christmas was released in 1971 as a protest song about the Vietnam War. It was a hit, recorded by John Lennon, with Yoko Ono, and the Harlem Community Choir, based in the United States. John was a famous singer/songwriter who originated from England and grew to fame in the band The Beatles. John was shot and killed in New York City, which had made his home. Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon in the back, four times, killing him. He was pronounced dead on December 8, 1980. The reason given for shooting John, Chapman had become a born again Christian and found Lennon‘s off-the-cuff statement, “The Beatles are more popular than Jesus” to be offensive. Perhaps if more people did feel that way, the world would be so different today? John preached love.

The song opens with the words, “Happy Christmas” being said to each of the couple’s children from previous marriages. In 1980, immediately following John’s death, the song again rose up the charts and peaked at the #3 spot on Billboard. It has become a Christmas tradition to younger generations. Many living today have grown up with this song , having been a song that was released in the birth of the 1970s and still popular today.  This could be behind “Happy” coming back to Christmas?

Why Does It Matter So Much to People HOW You Wish Them Christmas?

The people most often irritated by this issue are those who are most unwavering in their own beliefs, however little facts they use to substantiate their claims. It’s about how it makes them feel. In other words, your feelings don’t matter, only the way in which they perceive Christmas to be is acceptable. These same people are quick to claim disrespect when they respect very little, at the expense of others.

These are the same people who refer to our country as America, never realizing that America is made up of two regions that form a CONTINENT, comprised of North America and South America.  We are The United States (of America –you, know … because we are on the North American continent, as are Mexico and Canada).

When these people say things like, “This is how we do things in America!” They are being so haute and boisterous as to claim that every single country located on the continent made up of North and South America also do things that way.  Mexicans and Canadians are also Americans in the most technical of terms, the same way in which Germans are Europeans. (It really isn’t rocket science!)

These people really should wake up and realize that the world does not revolve around this country. By now, you would think that we humans would have lost our centrist views. We now know that we are not alone in the world, nor are we probably alone in the universe.

We, as a country, have behaved like toddlers long enough. Now that we have a president who behaves the same way, some of us are realizing how awful we look, and we’d like our country to grow up now, so that we can sit at the grown-up table with the rest of the world. This presidency has been an awful look in the mirror at the worst side of ourselves. 

Some of you are spewing , “I will not acknowledge someone who says ‘Happy Christmas’ to me and I will only say ‘Merry Christmas back to them because that is how it is done in America!” I hope that you can one day come to realize how ridiculous, childish, self-centered, poorly educated and hateful you portray yourselves to be. Grow up. Join the rest of in this thing called humanity. 


If Someone Wishes You Anything Other Than Merry Christmas What Should You Do?

I’m not the most approachable person in the world sometimes, due to my ADD, my spectrum issues that make me pull back from people, with my auditory processing disorder, and my general need for space, so for what it is worth:

When someone looks at me and says, “Happy Christmas!” I look them right back in the eye and I say ….

“You TOO!”

When someone walks past me and says, “Happy Holidays” I smile and say…

“Thanks! YOU TOO!!”

When someone at the grocery store tells me that they are Jewish and do not celebrate Christmas,

I smile at them and I say…

“Have a wonderful and Happy Hanukah!”

I’m a human being, just like them. We are all from the human race. We all bleed, we all have hopes, dreams, fears, and we all cry from pain and grief. If someone takes the time out of their day to wish me something meant in merriment, expressed in good cheer, I am going to receive that gift from my fellow human being with gratitude and love, because the world needs more of that. The United States especiallyneeds more of that right now.

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Categories: life lessons, love, Politics, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Today We Bury A US President

Can We Also Bury Anger With Him?

I remember the years after Ronald Reagan very well. My parents were still alive, I was young, and times were different. Times were very different then. There wasn’t access to the news at the spur of the moment because smart phones had not been invented. If you wanted to read the news, you went out and got a newspaper. You put your quarter in the machine on the corner and walked back home, past the telephone booth. In my neighborhood, you waved at the local hooker and gave a head nod to the guy across the street who you knew was selling drugs out of his house. You kept your head down and you stayed out of trouble. 

The Early Nineties

The year was 1991 and I had just moved to St Pete, FL. I was working as a waitress in a place that still required me to wear a dress and pantyhose each day. I walked to work or rode a bicycle. I had a car and it was broken down more than it ran. It stayed parked most of the time. It was a brand new Dodge and to this day I won’t own another one. 

I had moved to the coast because my parents lived in Ocala. I had not been very wild about the fact that they sold their house and followed me to FL in 1987. I considered it my mother’s final attempt at ruining my life and continuing her efforts at manipulating everything she could. Of course, she wasn’t all bad. As an adult now, I can admit this. At that time, however, I had just come out as gay and she and I were not getting along at all. 

The AIDS crisis was in full swing. Being a young lesbian, I was aware of it and was fearful of contracting it myself. Even though it predominantly was an issue that affected gay men, women were not totally safe. I read “And the Band Played On” from cover to cover and was somewhat horrified. It would be many years before that made it to the big screen. Gay people knew. We were living in it, neck deep. 

The Real Reagan Legacy

Ronald Reagan didn’t acknowledge the epidemic for what it was. It was never funded. It was, to be blunt, completely ignored. Gay men were dying at astronomical numbers. These deaths were long and painful. Most of the people I personally knew who died passed away from breathing complications – typically pneumonia. I remember one friend the most. His name was Christopher Gomez. Chris was a wonderful person. There were times that he’d see me walking home after work, or on the way to work. He would do a big U-turn in the middle of crazy 4th Street North, stopping traffic in the process, in order to pull-over and yell, “Get in, I’ll drive you!”

He was a nice person. He had dark hair, brown eyes, a pale complexion, and he was short. Chris probably didn’t stand over five feet, six inches tall. He worked as a waiter and he made good money. Like most of us in those days, he spent more on beer and having fun than anything else. We lived in neighborhoods that were seemingly small in the middle of a large city.

I had several  friends, a different life back then than the one I live now. I was more social and could more easily deal with loudness and chaotic situations. As I’ve grown older, my spectrum disorder has become increasingly a challenge. I don’t react well to intrusions into my quiet time, I do not socialize outside of the home much because the recovery time for me is lengthier than it used to be. I get grumpy if I feel intruded upon too much. It unnerves me. I do look back on those times fondly, in part because I was able to be social. People don’t realize that those on the spectrum want to be social. We just cannot be social all the time

George Herbert Walker Bush was our president in 1991. I do not remember ever hating him back then. I disliked his policies and I disliked the fact that we were at war in Iraq. The Middle East has never seemed like a place for American soldiers, in my opinion. Those people don’t like each other, and I don’t think they ever will. Why we have to get in the middle of it all the time is truly beyond me. I am 28 years older now than I was then, and I still don’t understand our constant involvement in the Middle East. It seems a never-ending circle of death for American soldiers to me. 

Times Were Hard

My mind still goes back to a time when I held the hands of dying friends, like Christopher, with tears in their eyes, knowing there was absolutely nothing that could be done. Watching someone die, resigned to their fate, is a very difficult thing to when that person hasn’t led a full life. You mourn the years that should have been.You wonder whose lives they should have touched, the loves they should have had. . . 

What was extremely troubling, and has haunted the legacy of President GHW Bush, was his continuation of the Reagan administration’s neglect of the AIDS crisis. So many in the LGBTQ community hold them personally responsible for the deaths of countless people in our community. As recently as a year ago I was accused of being a single-issue voter, which I’m not and never have been. The accusation was because of my concern over gay rights issues. That just happens to be a life or death thing for me! As is healthcare. As is social security being there when I am 67 years old one day. As is the housing crisis. As is gerrymandering and voting problems, lobbying, term limits, and a nauseating list I don’t want to focus on at this moment.

I digress. The AIDS crisis is still held against the senior Bush. I have recently seen many people bring this up the last two days. I’ve seen some very hateful things said and shared on social media. I’d be a liar if I said that it didn’t make me sad because it makes me weep for the society we have become. We are just very hateful now! 

Human beings are imperfect. Our special qualities have always been in our ability to forgive, to love, and to understand that none of us is perfect. We all struggle with our demons and we all make mistakes. Some of us make bigger mistakes than others. What I base my judgements of people on is whether or not they intended to harm others. I also look at whether or not the individual has done anything to redeem themselves. 

Should Four Years Determine Your Legacy?

The patriarch of the Bush family has left behind a legacy of charity work that most of us will never achieve. George HW Bush worked in every way he could to do bipartisan work with Bill Clinton, to bring humanitarian aid to others. He supported and founded the Bush Clinton Coastal Recovery Fund. He also supported the following charities: Covenant House, FC Harlem, Heifer International, Save the Children, Smile Train, United Nations Development Program, and the Vijay Amritraj Foundation.

President Bush was a man who could reach across aisles and do what he thought was best for the country. He lied about his age so that he could fight for his country. He is guilty of imperfection. Aren’t we all? Has he fully made up for the lives lost to AIDS? I’m not sure that he could ever have done that. Is it so hard to believe that in the early days of AIDS many people made bad decisions? They did. It caused a loss of life greater than what it probably should have been. Is the man responsible or was it the era that we lived in? We have learned more and we have moved on. Have we not?

I can tell you that Christopher would say that ‘the guy did a lot of great things the rest of his life. He made his peace with his own God.’ Forgiveness is the only way forward. Today, I’m making the choice to forgive him and move on. While we shouldn’t use our current administration to normalize anything, I do believe that it certainly must be a basis for clarity.

We can say a lot of good things about the senior Bush. We can say that he was a man who made mistakes but tried to do much that was right with is life. We can say that he was a sensitive man, a family man who loved his children and his grandchildren. He was one of the last truly moderate Republicans who could listen and work with democrats. He was from an era that wasn’t all that bad, even though it wasn’t totally good. 

The older I get, the more I want peace. I have learned to pick and choose my battles and I’ve learned when to forgive. This is a case that I will choose the latter and show my respect to a man who gave most of his life in service to his country. An honorable member of the armed forces, he never shirked his duties. He knew what decorum meant. Even in death, there is a calm, quiet dignity that we are not accustomed to anymore. I can welcome this return to tradition and values today, with my hand over my heart. 

“Thank-you for your service, Mr. President.”

Categories: aging, American government, death, equal rights, gay lesbian, lesbian, life lessons, love, Politics | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

What’s Going On In America These Days?

Artwork by Steve Penley. His work is really patriotic and beautiful! 

What Is Going On?

Kamalah Harris is going to announce, very soon, whether she is tossing her hat into the ring for 2020. She’s sharp. A lawyer, she is brilliant. She has served as an attorney general in California. She was supported by Republicans in law enforcement there because she was a person who could reach across the aisle. We need that. We need fair, level-headedness that will work for the people!

 She is quick-witted and razor sharp. I like her a lot. Watch out for this woman. I will say that many women in rural farm country will not be comfortable with her. The reason why, honestly, is that she is the opposite of the way they are raised. She’s”big city” and the farming communities hate that because they feel left behind by our government.

The reason they feel this way amazes me because they honestly believe that republicans are going to save them. Yet time and time again, Republicans vote for special interest groups and for big business. They always stand with the wealthy. They have clearly shown that their values are not with working class people.

This Isn’t Rocket Science

I hope that people living where I grew up can still understand simple math. I’m not sure of that as we used to have a great school but most of the tiny schools, with low teacher to student ratios, were forced to consolidate. This was mostly due to the strangulation of the education system that also began in the 80s. As small communities begin to shrink and shrivel into nonexistence, because there is no growth, no jobs, no raises, no infrastructure, and no schools, …. maybe they will wake-up and realize that the problems in America are rooted in the wealthy not just taking your money but in keeping it. 

It’s very simple; a wealthy person doesn’t need more money. It only takes so much money to live and to survive, the rest is gravy. Even those with yachts and million-dollar toys eventually run out of ideas for spending their money. They refer to is as’wealth fatigue’ and it is a real thing. Wouldn’t you like to have this problem?

What they do is get obsessed with growing their money into more money. The way that they do this is to invest into offshore accounts and banks in order to get tax benefits of places that have lower taxes. When this happens, you are moving money out of the country and out of circulation. 

Now the amount of money available in this country is a smaller pile from which we all must pull our share from – including wages and government spending. That money gets taxed and the pile grows even smaller. Bigger companies like Walmart take all that money in,because you need spend it to survive, and they pay very low wages to the peopleat the bottom of the pile. Bigger deficits also mean less for us, as budgets are tightened to make up for it when we have responsible presidents. 

Games With America

It plays out like the divorced parent game. Dad comes along, tells you want to hear, has fewer rules, and he gives you want you want more often than not. Mom comes along and says, we must have rules. No, cannot have everything you want and now we must pay our bills. In this scenario, Dad is a Republican and Mom is a Democrat. We remember Dad as a great guy who cared about us, but reality is that Mom was the best, responsible parent who made sure we had things for rainy days. Am I making this simple to understand? 

The people at the top, who in the 70s used to take about 20 to 50x the amount that their employees made, are now taking salaries that are 600x what they are paying their lowest paid employees! Sometimes they take more than that because they find ways to pay themselves big bonuses, all while they show a business ‘loss’ for the year so that they pay no taxes.

Since no human being really needs that much money, they invest it …into offshore things that they don’t have to pay taxes on. The pool of cash remaining within America gets smaller each year. It isn’t rocket science. Big businesses have slowly killed America. Even worse, politicians have utterly convinced you to blame your problems on low income families rather than on their corporate greed.

They’ve managed to get you to believe that the wealthy  earned their huge salaries and deserve to keep every penny, and any other thought is socialist. No, people, they have conned you. They didn’t earn it. They used corporate tax breaks that they received by paying off members of the House and Senate to put those tax laws into effect. They played the system to steal from America by getting politicians to make it legal. They took from you. They didn’t make those huge profits, they squeezed it from your hard labor. They padded Rand Paul’s pockets and Mitch McConnell’s pockets, Paul Ryan’s pockets, and a hundred other people. Meanwhile, you take the trickle down and smile, while continuing to vote for them because they want to ‘give power back to the states and protect the second amendment.’ What you got is lip service and laid off. Right Ford? Right GMC? Harley Davidson? WV coal miner? Your second amendment was never, and has never been, in jeopardy. Some decent regulations would be nice but that is another article. 

Helping Ourselves Out Of This Mess

We NEED to shop small! You need to imagine every dollar that you spend at places like Walmart being put in an envelope and being sent to Russia, or Saudi Arabia, or Bermuda. Yes,it may cost you just a little but, in the end, it will come back to you! Can’t you shop at the local store that is closer to your house? That money is going into a local bank account, will probably be used within your own community to pay bills and find its way back to the employer who pays you.

This is how local communities thrive, by keeping their money freshly circulating in a big circle that doesn’t stop. You grow by finding ways of attracting some outside money occasionally. Tourism is a great example of bringing in outside money. Having a local high school, with home football games that attracts the opposing teams’ fans is also a great example. When you lose your school, you lose your heart, as a small town. Sadly, you also lose revenue potential. In terms of a country, it is the same practice, simply on a grander scale. None of this is rocket science!

I’m going to write to all the United States’ democratic senators and representatives. I’m going to ask them to consider a CAP on the amount of salary and bonuses that any CEO can take from their company. It should be based on a percentage, which means that if your lowest employees get a raise, you can too. The more they make, the more you can make. It means that more money stays in America and it also means that capitalism is still strong. You can control your salary and be upwardly mobile if you are taking your employees too! No more of this capitalism running amok!

Perhaps we even offer a bit of a tax break to the companies that have a lowest paid employee of at least $15 per hour? Maybe that break is structure to be in tiers so that if you start people out at $20 per hour, your company gets a better tax break at year end? Perhaps we say that that amount must be $20 per hour within 10 years in order to keep that tax break or lose it?

The Struggle Is Real

The working people aren’t even really living anymore, they are surviving – barely. Some people aren’t even surviving and if they manage three square meals it is a miracle. People wouldn’t need welfare if they earned enough money! Research has shown that we would spend less on food stamps and housing subsidies, as a country, if companies paid what they should in taxes and pay employees a fair living wage!

Working people, we already know, would spend that money they earn. Folks would go straight out and buy steaks instead of chicken and splurge on that package of crab meat. Parents would sign kids up for after school programs they can’t afford now. Families could all go out to the movies again. Parents would buy more clothes for the kids that they couldn’t afford for school last year. Families would take vacations again – something that has drastically dropped since the 1970s, which coincidentally was a time when auto workers and steel workers were earning $20+per hour. Is it also a coincidence that Walmart got its big start in the 80s?

In the 80s it began to become the norm for businesses to pay themselves outrageous salaries. Families began living on credit cards while corporations sucked up all the actual money. Because of credit, which was a relatively new concept, companies were able to quietly steal the cash and put it into countries like Saudi Arabia, in oil stocks, only it really wasn’t done all that quietly. Thanks to fewer regulations at that time, Wall Street wasn’t keen for anyone to see what was going on. THEY were making enormous commissions on all this offshore investing.

Ironically, all these things were happening in the 80s, as a direct result of another Republican in office who didn’t really know half of what was going on. Ronald Reagan was in beginning stages of Alzheimer’s and it was kept from the public. Suddenly, after years of being heroes, the union was a bad guy. They had “too much power” according to the press releases being fed to the public. It was all setting us up for where we are today. 

This union busting became popular and was a mantra all throughout the 90s. Today, unions have less power than they ever have. Wages for skilled workers is at an all-time low. We desperately need skilled labor, but they don’t pay well compared to inflation. In fact, most of these jobs start for less per hour than they did 30 years ago. In 1979, people were being paid $20 per hour to start as floor sweepers in factories that included the steel mill my father was working at. 

In the 1980s, the American public was distracted with the AIDS crisis, we were neck deep in theIran-Contra Affair, and politics was a shell game that the American people seemedto stop trying to figure out. When that happened, we opened the door to what we have today. Banks were also digging the country into a huge mess that would later cause recessions; the subprime loan industry being one such example. That came back to bite us in the rear end approximately twenty years after it began. Credit as a means of living better than we ever had would soon become the problem that took us down.

What Now?

Your recent Trump taxcut was temporary and when you do your taxes this year, you are very likely going to realize that. The stock market went up over the last year, only to lose it all in the month of November. This is because it was a manipulated rise. It wasbound to happen, and the smartest analysts tried to warn you but some of you were so desperate to hear that you could find your way out of this dark tunnel without having to make any personal changes, that you swallowed hard. It will take a huge December to finish off with a market gain for the year. This will be hard when 150K employees have gotten their walking papers this fall from major employers, like GM and Ford. 

The current president talks that talk but he walks the walk of the wealthy. He is a white dude who is protecting the other wealthy, white dudes. Look around. People all around you are still struggling. Trump’s father made his money off that housing market and used huge loans to build projects for housing. He then stiffed skilled laborers who built his buildings and then he refused to rent tominorities because it would cause his buildings to drop in value. His son did the exact same thing. 

We need to put a cap on the percentage of salary a CEO can be paid in relation to their lowest paid employees. This will guarantee a higher wage for even the lowest paid people. We need to offer tax breaks with CLEARLY SPELLED OUT RULES to avoid things like GMC laying off 15,000 people after receiving $6B in tax goodies and then asking to payout something like $5M in bonus money to CEOs! NO!!! The payouts in such cases need to be percentage based also, so that those being let go receive a portion as severance pay!

I will be voting in 2020. I will likely vote for someone like Kamalah Harris. There are many who talk about running and some of them are great. The primaries will determine which candidate stands out from the pack. I’ll be voting for the person who puts American workers back to work and does it the right way, not by manipulating a stock market via Tweeting. I’ll vote for the person who understands that most Americans can’t afford to invest in stock because they are worried about food, rent, medication, and utility bills – all while caring about the homeless and giving constantly to good charities that keep each other going. I’ll vote for the candidate that remembers that unions are good, and they’ve been there to help families when no one else was.

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Growing Old Is Getting Old

 

It has been a wild ride, these last 50+ years. This winter, the shoulder pain has been tougher than ever. CBD oil helps immensely though!. If you’ve not tried it, I highly recommend it. The oil helps my ADD and pain. I also recommend turmeric with curcumin. That stuff is an amazing natural anti-inflammatory and scientists agree that it has benefits and warrants more research. It works wonders for arthritis and joint pains from injury. Aches and pains are just there to remind us of the fun we’ve had I suppose, but growing old really does get old some days!

It’s good to be back here in a space I have always held so near to my heart. Butch Ramblings was my healing journey and my happiness. Ramblings was my home for a long time. I blogged my way through isolation, heartache, stupidity, growing pains and more. Someone once said to me that it was’ time I settled down and put down roots somewhere.’ That life isn’t meant for everyone. It isn’t meant for me. I’m an adventurer.

Don’t let people tell you what to do. You do what is best for yourself and you’ll always be fine. Trust me on that. These are my roots right here. This is my legacy. This website will be around long after I am gone. Hopefully that won’t be for a little while yet. On the other hand, if it happens tomorrow, I’m prepared. I’ve lived a good life and I’ve come to terms with most of the lessons I have learned along this path. I’ve had ups and I have had downs.

I’ve had many sleepless nights. I’ve had other nights where I have slept like a log. I have awakened with clarity over things I had been worried about. I’ve ruminated over a decision for far too long. I have still made the wrong choice. In fact, I’ve made a lot of bad choices. I’ve also made some pretty damned great choices. The universe is awesome that way because there is balance in everything we do. The wisdom that we receive, once we are open to it, is pretty amazing.

I have heard people whine about losing their trust of others. I’ve seen people place blame on everyone else in their life for all the messed up shit they have been neck deep in for years. At some point you have to take responsibility for yourself and realize that you’ve been an asshole to everyone around you and that’s why nobody sticks around. At some point you choose to trust or not to. You either get tired of living a life that is an empty shell or you get down in it and get dirty. Bathe in the mud!

I’m a mud bather. I admit it. If shit gets deep, I’ll swim out into it a little further just to see how deep it will get. I figure once I have some mud on my boots I may as well get really dirty. I take chances on people. I walk away from people fast too. Things that will get me to walk away fast are people who become passive aggressive. People who don’t know when to shut up or respect my space drive me cuckoo too. People who, in every single conversation, relive the past and place blame on other people constantly. That gets old really, really fast. At some point, stop being a victim in your own novel. Choose to be the hero.

That’s all of my deep thoughts for now. I’ll move on to reality. I am living with a friend who is letting me use her place as a staging area before I make a big move that I’m not quite ready to talk about yet. While here, I’m trying to help her as much as possible. She’s getting older and her house has been falling into disarray for the last few years. She broke her back and has had difficulty with mundane tasks. My goal is to do some work, help her put into place some things/processes that will make it easier for her to function, and make sure that she has what she needs to survive. Right now we are in the middle of showering her with Christmas gifts, thanks to so many Facebook friends! I’m so blessed to have really good, caring individuals that I’ve met there and I choose to keep them around in my life! Such GOOD we get accomplished as a tribe! Love and kindness really do go a long way in keeping people in your life.

I have plans to do some wildlife photography soon, while I still can. I’m writing again, while I still can. Last year I was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy. In other words, the capillaries in the backs of my eyes have been bleeding. It clouds the vision over time. It has slowed drastically with my blood sugar more under control but the odds of me going blind in time are very high. My eyesight is not what it used to be and I have issues already. I miss little typos here and there. The doctors at the Kittner Eye Institue in Chapel Hill, NC,  also noticed that I have a cataract on my left eye. It isn’t really operable and it is from scar tissue, likely from blunt force trauma. Apparently, according to them, I’ve had it my whole life since infancy. It is very old and that explains a lot about my sensitivity to light. Lasting effects from childhood abuse I presume but don’t really know for sure. At any rate, my vision is an issue but I don’t intend to let it stop me. When the time comes, I’ll see about voice recognition software and dictate.

I’ve been playing guitar again over this last year. I promised myself that I’d do something for myself, personally enriching, for my 50th year on the planet. I’m having the time of my life with it. I used to noodle around with some chords a long time ago. I’ve picked guitars up and put them down a dozen times over the years. I never really got enthusiastically involved in practice and learning because I never really knew exactly where to start. Fender Play got me down the right path. Technology is so advanced these days that there are lessons online everywhere and I’m really absorbing them. I love it! Best thing I’ve ever done was to pick it up again.

I have plans to begin submitting articles, with wildlife and outdoor themes, to some magazines in the outdoor genre. I have lost a lot of weight in the last year and gained a little winter weight back but I’m on an indoor bike trainer that I was able to plop my Fuji mountain bike on so I am hoping to get that weight right back off plus some more. My mental state is free and easy these days. I’m not running from anything or to anything. I just AM. It’s a great place to be! I’m living life for me. I spread a little joy here and there and just work on being the best me that I can be. If everyone else did that, the world would be such a better place! Don’t you all agree?

Categories: ADHD, aging, child abuse, death, life lessons, love, self-help, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

I’m BACK!

Oh the Ramblings that have been going on in these past few years! There are more adventures waiting to happen! I’ve been in about 5 more states with stints in Texas, Tennessee, North Carolina and everywhere in between since the last time I posted a blog here.

I have recovered from some very sore wrists and burn-out from my writing. You could say that I just needed a break, so I walked away from writing. I wasn’t feeling it anymore. I think I have my spark back!

Life has been, as always, a bit up and down over these past few years but I’ll be updating you soon. I wanted to reach out and say hello to old fans, wave at new fans and dust the cobwebs off of Butch Ramblings. It is time to start getting things set up to start again!

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Let The Adventures Begin Again!

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Dear friends, fans and followers,

As many of you are quite aware, I’ve posted relatively nothing new here in about a year. I took time off because I needed some time to heal, absorb things and make some sense out of my world. I’ve also been involved in some business dealings that have been quite the kerfuffle, with legalities, politics and more. I have begun to feel like a secret agent with all my contacts in other countries and within our own government. I really wish that I could go into details, but if I told you I would then have to kill you. 😉

So I came back to Illinois and endured some fierce cold almost 2 years ago. I was in touch with Jo still but have since completely broken ties and think I’ve probably got her blocked all the way around now, so that she can’t even be an ant at my picnic anymore. I feel good about it and I feel that moving on was the right thing for me and I have not looked back.

My ex-girlfriend from 20+ years ago and I were in touch for about one year. Ellen, as it turns out, hasn’t changed much in those twenty years. In fact, I think she might possibly be MORE tormented than she was back then. She’s no longer speaking to me because after about a one week escapade of her calling me several nights in a row and talking about gloom and doom and how suicidal she felt, I finally gave the Suicide Hotline her address and phone number and asked them to try to deal with it and help her.

I knew it was probably futile and I told the woman on the phone that she’d be dealing with an highly intelligent, mentally ill person who honestly was going to chew her up and spit her out. Turns out I was right about that. I received a nasty message stating “never contact me again” and I was strangely okay with that. I suppose after all the drama that she was bringing and laying at my feet, I was glad to be done with it? I had gotten what I needed from it, which was knowing that the child I had helped her bring into the world at Bayfront Medical Center all those years ago was fine. Complete closure for me…that’s two notches. Let’s move on…

I let myself get involved with another woman which I quickly learned was a complete train wreck of a situation and I got out of that very quickly. Apparently I have learned some important lessons about getting out of a bad situation quickly? Make that three notches on the post for me so far this year! Moving right along….

A woman in England started chatting me up one day. I really liked her but things seemed sort of one-sided. I was going to go there to meet her. She made it clear that she wouldn’t be the first one to travel anywhere. Red flag number one. She found out her daughter was pregnant and kept going on and on about how she didn’t look like a grandmother and it all began to center around how she had raised her kids, was not going to be stuck babysitting and that she didn’t even want to be called grandmother. Conceit because another red flag, as well as ego issues. Eventually we got into it a little over the fact that she let her friends dictate to her just how involved with me she should be and she became more worried about their opinions than my feelings. I ended it. Yay for me! More proof that I had learned lessons! Make that FOUR notches in my post for the year and mooooo-ving right along!

As some of you may recall, I lost Captain shortly after getting back in Illinois. I have since been acquired by an old dachshund named Harley, a 13 inch beagle named Hannah who just turned one year old, and Jack Russell terrier named Hank who is such a little love. They drive me crazy sometimes, especially Hannah because she’s so young and full of energy but I wouldn’t trade them for the world. They’ve helped me heal from many wounds.

When I parked this RV here again, if my emotional wounds and scars had been visible, I’d have looked like someone who had been horse-whipped and drug behind one. I’ve always been a strong person. I’ve gotten even stronger over the years, but I have literally been at my breaking point many, many times over this past year.

The children have also healed me. Again, they make me crazy sometimes but there is simply nothing more soothing nor healing for me as the hug of a two year old who lays her head on my shoulder, wraps her arm around my neck and pulls me close to her as I carry her. The level of trust and love overwhelms me and brings me to the verge of tears so many times. I’ve been blessed to hold an infant many times in the past few weeks and look into his beautiful, blue eyes. When he smiles at me I melt into a puddle of emotion. At the bottom of that puddle I found peace and love brought me back to the surface.

Several weeks back, a few months now already, I was very blessed to find myself talking more and more to someone whom I had actually had a crush on for a while. You all know what I’m talking about and I know it. You KNOW….that person who you see in your Facebook feed and you always have to stop and look at what they say. Sometimes you find yourself looking at their pictures and thinking how lucky their girlfriend or significant other is. Maybe you even feel a little twinge of jealousy? Well…I admit it. I did feel all those things.

I’d see her post all these sweet things over the past year or so about her spouse. I admired the way she was so devoted and loyal. Drove me a little crazy because I wanted that with someone and I also thought that she was very beautiful. I was attracted but I’m a very old-fashioned person. I don’t flirt with someone that I know is with someone else. That’s bad juju and you just don’t do it! Well, one day on my wall, lo and behold, she posted that it was over. I won’t go into why, but I can tell you that it surely wasn’t her fault.

I found myself in a conundrum. I wanted to talk to her SO bad and at the same time I wanted to be respectful. After typing and erasing about a dozen messages, I finally sent one of them and then I sat back and nearly had a nervous breakdown wondering if I’d hear from her. I literally, and I’ve told her this, sat there and had a discussion with myself trying to get the balls to send this message to her. I said to myself, “well, maybe you SHOULD reach out and go after someone. For almost 20 years you’ve let women chase you and that hasn’t exactly been working out for ya…” SO….I did it….I made the first move.

A few moments went by and holy cow, I got a response. Now let me assure you that it was all very respectful. I expressed my sympathy for what happened and what she was going through. She thanked me. We had some very nice discussions. Eventually, we both sort of realized that we were moving beyond just friends and I have to say that she is absolutely, hands down, the most amazing person I have ever come to know and when it comes to my past choices….I think that I finally got this one right.

So….there is the last year in a nutshell. So what now? I am happy to say that the business side of things is paying off and that very soon, probably a matter of days, my income will again be freed up and I’ll be in a very good place financially. My chains will be cut away and once again this bird is free to fly. I’ll be headed to the eastern coast of the upper United States. That is where the mystery lady resides. For now, I’m keeping things just between her and I for a lot of reasons. Perhaps that is another thing that I’ve learned?? 😉

My plan is to spend time there while some family things are resolved and just bide my time. I do have some business things that will be happening as well, but now is not the time for me to disclose them. I will say that many people are going to be shocked and excited all at the same time. It is ALL good, folks. Honest.

To start things off on the correct foot, I’ve given the blog an updated look. I’m taking on more of a warm and inviting look, rather than the pained and hard-edged look that it had before. In the last year I believe that I have changed drastically in the way I see things and feel things. I feel happier and kinder. I feel ready to move on and settle down a little. So there you go…a new look and a new outlook. This holiday season, from Halloween thru New Year’s Eve is going to be a whole new start for me. The world has taken on new colors and they are all happy.

I’d like to ask you all to please, share my blog with friends and in groups that you belong to. There are many more adventures coming, as well as plans for three books I have in my head and need to get on paper! This blog is essentially free and takes a lot of time, which was also part of the reason that I stopped doing it for so long. I’m now in the position that I can afford to do it again! What little I receive from advertising only pays the fees for keeping the URL and the site going. I appreciate all your shares. Also, don’t forget to come by Facebook and like my fan page www.facebook.com/mybutchworld

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2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 56,000 times in 2013. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 21 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Dear Keeper of My Heart

Dear Keeper of My Heart,

You reminded me that it had been a while since I had written anything. This I already knew because writing anything at this point in my life is almost more than I can bare. My wounds run so deep. Daily I feel the pain, just as fresh as if it were all just yesterday. Like the cold steel of a razor blade cutting into my flesh, I feel the pain; sharp and cunning as it sets my nerves on edge and makes me feel as if it is my soul which is bleeding out all over the floor. I look down and I see the pool of blood at my feet, always there with me though no one else can see. The emotions that I am feeling are impossible to explain. I feel as though I pour my heart out to people all the time, yet a reviewer can say that I do not share enough of my pain or go deep enough. How do I bring people into my hell? Perhaps she had a point? In shielding myself from it, perhaps I do not do it justice – the pain that is.

Keeper of My Heart, I met you a long, long time ago. My mind would not accept the attraction that I felt initially. You were in a relationship with someone else, even though it was a very bad one. You were also much younger than me and I felt like I was somehow wrong to take advantage of that.  Me – always trying to be the one with scruples and the one who stands for something. I always tried to have some code of honor that made sense then but it makes no sense to me now. I loved you and I wouldn’t accept it and I would not act on it. “Keeper” you persisted. You stayed in contact with me. You talked to me and you poured yourself out to me. I got to see parts of you that I know you have not shared with others, even now. You had yourself wrapped-up in a relationship that damaged you daily and had your emotions up and down. You wanted to do what your own honor told you that you should do – stay and make it work. Admirable quality in all honesty. I just wish you weren’t always trying to make things work with everyone else but me….

Eventually I had to walk away. It wasn’t because I didn’t care or that I didn’t have the patience. I left because my heart felt as if it had been shoved through a meat grinder and I hurt so bad. I left feeling not good enough. I felt like I was good enough for you to reach out to, depend on, flirt with and talk to but not good enough for a relationship. I wasn’t good enough for you to leave her and give me a chance. I blamed myself for putting you off in the beginning. I told you that you were with someone else. I told you that you were too young. I told you everything except that I loved you but I did.

I ran away from you. Those were even your words. I went to another state. I wanted and needed to be alone. No one really understood why. They saw a bigger picture I suppose, but the truth was that my heart was broken and my feelings of not being good enough – or just “enough” – had me feeling rejected, humiliated, angry and lost. You left me feeling frustrated and never good enough. I needed to go heal and be alone. I chose the woods and a cabin.

I started down a path of punishing myself. This I didn’t realize until recently. I was so angry at myself for not knowing what to do to get you to leave her. I was mad at ME for never being enough or what you needed. I wasn’t enough to get you to leave that abuse and the thoughts that you’d stay with someone like that when all I wanted to do was love you and protect you was just too much for me. I swirled into depression and anger. I eventually ended-up in FL to date a woman who was what you weren’t. She was free, she was closer to my age and she wanted me around. I couldn’t stand her almost from the beginning. Yes, she was my age. Yes, she had a fantastic career and she wanted me to move in with her. Still…she wasn’t you and her soul just didn’t speak to me. I didn’t like who she was underneath all of those superficial things.

Oddly, you contacted me – you basically found me – shortly after I had told her goodbye. I was several states away by then and all we could do was talk. We talked and talked. My heart got happy again and I realized that I had a chance to make good on the huge mistake I’d made before. I should have stuck around and I should have had more patience. My heart had been so hurt, but soul had never forgiven my brain for running. I had a chance to fix it all…and I loved you. I struggled through more heartaches and pain to get back to Illinois and I survived through extreme conditions for several months only to find that you STILL weren’t ready to leave her. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights. I felt like you misled me and once again, I felt like you had made me ‘second best’ in your life. I felt like I just was destined to never feel quite good enough for you. I spent countless days and nights just waiting and hoping that I’d get to see you or spend some time with you. All I wanted in this world was to just touch your face! I waited and waited and finally, after several months, I gave-up … but I didn’t leave here this time. My soul won that battle this time. I knew there was unfinished business between us I guess? We can’t help who we love or how our heart reacts.

A few months later, you contacted me and told me you were finally free. We talked and I wanted to see you. I hoped to see you alone, but you always protect yourself by being in groups. I get that and yes, I recognize it as a behavior you have when you are protecting yourself. It is very scary how much I actually understand you sometimes. I agreed to come out and meet you with a group of your friends. Somehow we missed each other and I felt stood-up. I felt like I was right back to two years prior and you made a promise to me that you didn’t keep. ALL those times you told me you’d ‘try’ to come by and see me when you knew I was there waiting on you. All those times that you told me I would see you and I’d wait around for hours only for you to pop online and tell me that you got busy with something or sometimes to not even mention that you knew you had let me sit there – hopeful, sad, and broken-hearted.

Don’t get me wrong, on one hand I completely understood. Just on the other hand, my heart was being completely shredded and I just had to assume that you had NO CLUE how much I really did love you. So anyway, I got mad. Very mad. My anger was a reaction to my pain. Drinking six beers while I waited and got more and more upset did not help. I went home and I sent you a message that was probably the nastiest thing I have written to anyone in my life. Looking at it today, I cry. I never wanted to say such hurtful things to you ever. I never wanted to hurt you at all. I only ever wanted to hold you and wipe your tears away. I wanted you to feel my love and know that I’d always be there. Instead, I ended-up saying hurtful things and walking away again because of my own pain. It wasn’t what I wanted.

Yes, I had a rebound relationship this time. Not something I typically ever do but I guess she said the right things and I was vulnerable. It lasted about two months. My thoughts went straight back to you and I contacted you and apologized. I needed to and I knew that. Regardless what ever would or wouldn’t happen between you and I, I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t apologize to you for hurting you. I find you dating someone. I take the kick in the crotch as well as can be expected. A) I understand all the reasons and B) I had no right to be upset because I’m the one who walked away and fucked things up when you were finally free.

Here is what I know though: this new person doesn’t know you like I do. They don’t know half of what you have been through nor who you really are. They don’t know the precious gift they hold in their hands…and the things going on and being said already actually prove that. You know what I mean. I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve held on for three years just hoping for a chance to show you how much I truly loved you and wanted to be able to take care of you. I wanted to be able to hold you and touch you and tell you that you are perfect just the way you are. I wanted to tell you that you are beautiful and that your soul is a bright, shining star in my universe that has led me and kept me going for so long. I wanted to build something with you that would last and I think in a lot of ways that scared you too.

I’ve decided that I’m going to be okay with what you are doing with your life right now. Go ahead and have your fun. I’m back and I am not going anywhere and when you are ready to settle down and start moving towards all the dreams you ever wanted, with someone who values who you are and respects you for that, I will still be here. So when you flirtatiously told me that I really needed to write you something…we both know you didn’t mean like THIS, but here it is – the whole truth, nothing but the truth and totally honest. Not many people ever come into someone else’s life and tell them that they love them and will wait for them as long as it takes because their happiness is the most important thing in the world. I want you to be happy and I want you want me in your life because it is what YOU want … not what you need. I want to share your world, not a piece of you. I want to be the person who puts you first and takes good care of you. I want to give you the world and watch you grow into the amazing person that I know you are.  I know the things you want for your future and your life and I am prepared and able to give you all those things. All you have to do is make up your mind to be happy once and for all. In the time being, I’ll be here, waiting and not going anywhere. There…I wrote something just for you. Might not be what you expected but it was what I needed to say.

Jess

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